The RIght side of Wrong

Being an athlete is great.  There are a lot of cool things about it like travel, reaching goals, making gains, meeting new people and going to a job that you truly enjoy (most of the time).  But there is another side of the athlete world that most people do not think about and that is, when you don't make the cut.  When you work so hard, and perhaps even harder than others put still come out a second short.  How do you reconcile that?  How do you move forward?
I hate to say it, and I will admit a little embarrassed to say that I have come out on the short side more than once.  Sometimes it seemed fair, and others not but every time I have had to reassess my life situation, remind or perhaps decide what I really want and then reshape my goals to get back in the game.



My sentiments stem from our latest selection, which was for World Cup 1 and 2.  What it came down to was me and one other athlete in some racing over 2 races on 2 separate days in the priority boat.  I am not going to give to much detail out of respect for my team and program but in the end although making one boat faster I was not the one who made the priority boat faster and hence my change of plans for the summer.
Our coaches do us the courtesy of meeting with the racing athletes post to debrief and give the verdict and after mine I certainly wanted to cry.  I was disappointed in myself, and angry that I once again found myself in the position I was in, just slightly on the right side of wrong, but I would not let myself do it.  Somewhere along the line I have learned to box up emotion and try to move on without dealing with it.  Take my word, it NEVER works.  My husband gets angry for me immediately, and I always defend coaches and whomever else no matter my true feelings (just to clarify I was not angry at anyone but myself), and then a few days later when I am about to explode with stress and fatigue I let it all out.  In this case I just cried, uncontrollably while on the phone with my husband.  In those 20 mins or so, I indiscernably (to Matt) let out a lot of my fears about the journey, and those who have been a part of it.  Things that I did not even know were so rooted in my motivations.  I walked away from that with more respect for my husband, a greater appreciation for what he gives up for me and once again reminded of what UNCONDITIONAL love is.  And my mind was clear to see what the next day could bring.
So, once the tears were out, the emotions dealt with I could move on, and see the opportunities that were laid before me.  My end goal of being at the 2016 Olympics has not changed, but the process that I tried to plan has.  God has it figured out and I need to let him do the organizing and preparing of my mind and body with me. 
The next month while the majority of the team is away, 3 of us will be training hard to build speed in another potential boat and we will race some more "local" events  where our speed will be tested.



The journey is hard.  Being an athlete is less media and sponsorships and more hard work, heartache, and taking small steps toward a big goal.  When you watch the 2016 Olympics there are not only the athletes racing, but upwards of 15 athletes who did not make it through the 4 years of training to get there (more depending on the sport).  These athletes had big goals and dreams, and some chose to move on and others just fell on the right side of wrong.  My advise, when you find yourself in that kind of place (because everyone will at some point) is to remember that you are important and valuable.  You have a purpose and God has a plan for you.  He promises us more than we can ask or imagine all we have to do is listen and then take hold and sooner than later the Right side of Wrong will seem a lot more right!

The drought is over!

Alright, here we go!

How long has it been now?  Way too long.  I have felt strongly that I should start writing again, but kept making excuses;
-  Don't have time
-  Too late in the day to start
-  Too far behind to catch up
-  No one is reading anymore anyhow
-  I am not much of a writer
...just to name a few.

None of these are truly good reasons for my long sabbatical and as I wait for dinner to finish cooking and I had nothing to do, I thought "Now, now is the time to do it, no catching up or thinking about what to write, just do it!"  So here I am!

I will give a quick recap;
 In the fall after making a tough decision I had all but told my coach I was packing up and going home.  And after a very pointed sermon at church I was in tears but ready to do just that.  But in that surrender God gave me new hope and an unexplained change of perspective to move forward onto our Canadian National regatta.  I was still not 100% but I felt that I was getting the nudge forward.  After some tough racing it came down to a time trial (not my forte).  I had a good race but had conceeded before leaving the water that I was probably not first but at least the top 3.  I was wrong and just barely snagged 1st!  God is good.  It was a clear reminder of what He can do when we let him take the reins.

Life is getting "easier" since my mom passed and although I miss her and still feel lost or angry I am more myself.  The depression that took a hold for so long is on the back burner and the joy of life is returning.

Jump forward several months and I have to say it has been up and down but I am plugging away.  As it stands right now I will not be traveling to the World Cup regattas.  I was edged out by a worthy opponent for the 4x (quad) spot and now find myself working with a new 2x partner in hopes of making it to our main goal, World Championships in August.  It was hard being beat but I have learned quite a bit in the process, and have a sense of the Holy Spirit giving me peace and joy despite the situation.  No matter the outcome this summer I want to know that I did more than just row a boat.  I want to know that I did my best to make a mark on the London area in big or small ways.

Well, time is up!  Dinner is served.  Lasagna and garlic bread.  A perfect dinner after a long week with a 2k speed order in the morning.  Send me prayers, fast thoughts and health :)

Thanks for sticking it out with me, I am blessed to have you join my journey.


  

Sing Sing Sing

Is anyone still out there? 
I realize I have taken a long sabbatical from blogging and so I do not expect many readers but I need to do this for myself.
My long hiatus has a lot... or rather everything to do with my Mom's death.  Even writing that is hard because all I want is for her to be a phone call away. 
As many can imagine, or maybe have experienced, life has been hard the last several months, and it is hard to believe that a year will have passed in 4 months.  I miss my mom everyday, and some days I feel her absence more than others.  I feel slightly selfish in admitting this but in my rowing life I feel her absence most.  I did not realize until after our latest trip to Europe for World Cup 3 that she really has been the foundation of my support.  My husband is a great support don't get me wrong, but my mom has been that role my entire life, and she was someone I could talk to about anything and I know she would be praying for me often, especially in her last few years.  It is not until after her death that I feel how strong her prayers were as I feel their absence now. 
Our latest trip to Europe culminating in World Cup 3 was a challenging one.  I struggled emotionally and constantly doubted my ability, dedication and desire for rowing.  I truly missed my mom and wished every moment that I could guarantee that upon my return home she would greet me with arms and smile wide ready to hear of all my adventures and the racing experience. 
It was during this trip and post trip that I see how important it is for me to stay in contact with people.  I have been shutting the world out and burying myself in the work of rowing only to find nothing at the end of the day except for more pain, suppressed tears and lack of motivation to do anything.  So this is what spurred me to write again.  It has been pressing on my heart for a while, but today is the day I start unpacking myself, unloading my baggage and accepting what God has for me in LIFE!
This song by Citizen Way called Sing Sing Sing, was actually the official culprit for my return to living and I have now listened to it about 5 times while writing.

The road is not going to be easy, and as many have said time heals but I also know that God heals. 
I do not know what the future holds for me.  I am not going to World Championships in a traditional role, but potentially as a spare in the event someone is injured, (a humbling experience) but I know God will make clear what HIS plan is, as he always has.  I continue to need prayer for a multitude of things, but the biggest for healing and acceptance.  I will always miss my Mom but I know my support system is greater than just she, I just have to let the change happen.

A Season of Firsts

It has been almost a month since I returned from Australia, and I know I am guilty again of not updating this blog.  In my defense the internet was expensive and even after paying for it, I had limited usage and access; one way in which Australia is behind the curve. 

On my flight home I had A LOT of time to mull over my trip, to think upon what was worth sharing and what I had learned and one of the things that struck me was the number of "firsts" I experienced on this trip.  Some of those experiences were good, others difficult and challenging but in it all God was shaping me and sharing in the moment.


The first and obvious first was the trip itself.  I had never been to Australia, let alone across the world.  It was an amazing experience and opportunity that I may not get again for a long time.  Travel was uneventful, and the atmosphere was friendly and light during training.  In training I had a first, which was rowing in a tidal river, and if you have had that experience before you know how challenging it can be, especially if you are the one responsible for the crew.  Fortunately our group had no firsts beaching ourselves and having to wait hours for the next tidal flow to get home. 

The next big first was the reason we were Down Under in the first place, and that was to race World Cup 1.  I have never raced a World Cup event.  That said I have raced a World Championship event, just never the lead up event.  My overall experience at the race course (the 2000 Sydney Olympic course) was great, probably the best course I have been on.  There was a lot to soak in but little time to really fully appreciate the environment.  What we did not miss on was plenty of racing.  Over 3 days I raced 6 times, 50% in each the 4x and the 8+ and learned a lot about myself in both.  The overall theme for me this trip was confidence.  I became so paralyzed with discouragement and a sense of self doubt and worth, something that has been plaguing me since the early fall exploding with the death of my mom.  The depression that I have been struggling with is dissipating but my time in Australia really tested me and although I am now aware of what was happening it took a while to get to that point, and I still have a ways to go in standing on two strong feet again. 

Something that was not a first, but lead to a first, was another rib fracture which appeared in our training camp in Tasmania.  It came on fast with really no warning but it was the response that surprised even myself.  When I realized that I was facing another rib problem, I prayed that God heal my body, that he would hold my ribs together at least long enough to get me through racing with little to no pain.  And for the first time in my life I actually TRUSTED that God follow through.  I strongly believe that we pray far to often with little to no conviction.  We think we are trusting but when we look at the greater picture we have set up so many safety nets "just in case".  God did fulfill his promise and He managed the pain for me through the rest of our trip, and continues to heal my body as I train out of the boat until full healing.  I continuously remind myself to let go and let God work.

Despite the difficulties I had physically and psychologically, God gave me insight enough to know I had to just get the job done and in the 8+ I had yet another first;  my first medal at an international event.  It was a painful race, as I had raced a few hours prior in the 4x final, however with focus and determination of our crew we crossed the line in 3rd, enough for a bronze medal, only an indication of the future potential.  It was an amazing experience to stand on the podium and to realize that this is the fruit of many years of labour, and a gracious gift encouraging me to keep moving forward. 
You know, I just had a thought, I was inclined to write that this result puts me on the map, and I almost thought, it makes me somebody in the rowing world.  In many ways this is true, but before I could even get to that thought, I smiled and thought, how blessed are we, knowing that we are somebody no matter if we stand on a podium, have our names in the news, or spend our days at home taking care of family.  We are precious and most important to our Creator; pure love.

I think I could go on about firsts but the last and probably most challenging was my first race without probably my biggest fan;  Mom.  Somehow traveling and racing was different knowing that she was not sitting at the computer trying to figure out results, or watching races from home.  Often my first response after racing is to contact my mom because I know no matter the result she is excited, embarrassingly so, about the efforts and results.  I am glad my mom never stopped being excited about the little things, despite how we (my siblings) and I teased her about the ear to ear grins, squeals of delight and just overall over joyous celebration.  I now realize how much I needed that and how good it felt to know she was proud.  And that is just it,  I know she would be proud of me and what I have accomplished in the last few months.  I would love her to be with me but I respect and honour the fact that God decided it was time for her to come home and He always has the best plan.
I want everyone to know including my husband, dad and siblings that I appreciate greatly your support and cheerleading.  I am so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to keep me moving forward and seeing the greater picture.  No one can replace my mom but everyone does a wonderful job of making me feel loved.

Firsts are sometimes scary, and sometimes they are exciting.  I often think of this time in my life, post mom's passing as starting a new phase.  I don't know exactly what it is but life is different now, and I am changing and working to balance, shuffle and embrace that.  I hope that I can continue to please God in all I do and that He will direct my paths.  Please keep praying for health, God's Will to be known and perseverance to finish the race God has set out for me to complete.

Here is to new Beginnings and Firsts of many things in the future.

A trip Down Under

Since mom passed away I have neglected to stay on top of blogging.  To say I had no desire is an understatement, I just needed time.
Over the last month or so I have thought about posting but have not taken the time to do so.  That changed this morning when I got a message from a friend and cheerleader reminding me kindly that she reads my blog and that she would continue to do so.  I think I was getting a little nudge to say, "it is time", and I know she was right.

So here we are back in business and on the road.  I cannot fill you in completely on the last few months, but fortunately nothing more than hard training and a great training camp has happened.  Did I mention that I was selected for the World Cup 1 team for both the 4x (quad) and 8+?  Well, I was and you now read a post written Down Under!

After 24 hrs of travel our team of about 13 plus 1 coach arrivedin Australia, specifically our training course in Tasmania.  And in less than 10 days we depart for Penerith, the home of the Sydney Olympic rowing course to race World Cup 1.
The weather is pretty hot, and it would seem that the Aussies handle this heat better than we, as our AC consists of a fan and what looks like a dehumidifier which as we were told yesterday will blow cooler air if you add ice; I am not convinced.  Rows are sweaty and hot but beauitiful and the people are easy to get along with.
Our coach who is from the Launceston (the city we are in), took us on our first running adventure yesterday to find wallabies.  We laughed at him when he arrived in Canada and got excited at his first sight of a racoon; I think he got his payback.  We look forward to other sightings of Aussie wildlife and hope it does not also involve a trip to the hospital (just about everything is poinsonous or deadly).

We are all adjusting to the trip around the world, and as we sit on day 4 our coach is bracing for the moody, tearfilled rows that could ensue as we make the final adjustment in time.  Fortunately we are all pretty self aware and make efforts to stay out of each others way during this time haha.

As far as my own personal journey, I am feeling more like myself.  Time does heal in many ways, but acceptance also.  I miss my mom and on a trip like this it is hard not to be emotional at times knowing how proud she would be.  I know I have a lot of support and cheerleaders around the country but there is nothing quite like a mom's support.
I am still making changes as I need to in order to gain speed, but patience is the name of the game and I am doing what I can to stay in it.  God still provides me with the strength I need, the support and friendships that get me through, even when I am not always the best in return.  Matt, continues to be patient and supportive as I pursue this dream, something I continue to be grateful for every day.

As my mom wrote multiple times in one of her journals;  "The heart of the King is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water, he turns it wherever he wishes" Proverbs 21:1

Moving forward

I think I have probably lost my audience by now, but I will write on as I can for my own sake.

The trouble with training in a high performance center is that rarely do you ever feel like what you do is enough, exceptional, on target or many other things.  I would say that when you are on top you might feel good for a bit but even then there is always a striving for more that takes the wind from your sails pretty quickly.
As I sit here I want to say how terrible I have felt the last few weeks, and honestly months.  I don't have the confidence I once had, I cannot seem to keep my motivation going when things get painful because I "just don't care" (or so that is my thought) and I see myself at the bottom of the pool in the on land testing and cannot shake the discouragement despite the fact I KNOW the message I am getting from myself is not the truth of the whole picture. 
I said I "want" to tell you how terrible things have felt but I guess I just did tell you.  The other side of it is that even in the shady place I am in, I know that God is looking out for me and keeping me from jumping ship (on goals, rowing etc.  Don't worry I am not on the deeply depressed train).  The last few days I have noticed that I have let myself drift a bit and it is not that I don't want to be close with God these days, but for some reason despite my desire to be close, I cannot get past myself to let it happen.  I took the first step and just opened my Bible last night, it happened to be to 2 Samuel since I had a tag in it, probably from a reading a while back.  I think God was pleased to see me move in that direction, and today I did feel a bit of that gap in our relationship close.  It takes work, not just trying.

Despite what I may be feeling or struggles I may be having, the team is moving forward, and at a rapid pace.  Our first big race is World Cup 1 in Australia in the month of March.  This means we have been preparing ourselves this fall on the water, and will take advantage of camps in the new year to get the water time needed for success in Australia.  The team has not been selected and will not for a while, but my goal is to be on it in some capacity.  I have many abilities which makes me a good candidate for the trip but at the same time there are many alike.
Today was our last day of training before Christmas, and despite icy waters we had some success today with workouts on the erg prior to a team BBQ.  It was a good day with the team, and I am going to miss having that training environment over Christmas, although I will enjoy family time with my husband and dogs as well as my siblings and their families.  Oh did I mention I am getting Lasik surgery done next week?  I am really excited to not have to travel with glasses, contacts and all the associated supplies.  Prayer for success and quick healing is always welcomed!

Thanks for keeping me in your prayer.  I hope you all have a wonderful Advent season!

The End is where we Begin

I have heard it said that one of the hardest things after you lose someone is going back to work.  I would have to agree.
A little over a week ago I lost my Mom.  She was only 63 and my biggest supporter.  I was only gone from the training environment for a little over a week but when it came closer to returning to the training center I started to feel sick, and nervous about the whole thing.  The rational side of me could not understand why I should feel such a way especially since I wanted to be training to keep my mind occupied and my eyes dry but the other side started to analyze and figure out what the root of the feelings were.  Here is what I came up with;
1.  The Pity Eyes-  I hate being the center of attention (great for sport eh) and I dislike even more feeling like people are treating me softly because they are afraid of my fragility or that I need some space.  I appreciate the sentiment but I want to be treated like everyone else, especially in the training environment where every day counts.  In this I also realize that the coach understands things differently but I don't want to read on their face that I am being given a little extra room to breathe.
2.  The Spontaneous Waterworks-  I do my best to keep my emotions under the radar.  It works in my favour a lot in sport especially when having to work with team mates with roller coaster personalities.  They don't bug me so much and I can level them out.  However, since my mom passed I cannot seem to control the tears.  Sobbing I seem to have under control now, but I can't lie, the ugly cry still happens every so often, and I fear it will continue for a while.  It just makes it worse when you know people are going to ask how you are doing or worse they are talking about something completely unrelated reminding me of my mom sending me into the breath holding to suppress the inevitable tears.  I would rather avoid these situations.
3.  Leaving the Nest.... Again-  In the short time I had home to celebrate my mom's life (which I will continue to celebrate every day of mine)  I spent every day with my siblings and dad just going through things, hanging out, eating... more eating... playing with the kiddos etc and all without my mom.  It is kind of like our family has pressed a "reset" button and we are learning to do it all again.  My support network has changed a bit and it was hard to fathom leaving it again.  Just like leaving for college.
4.  Life Without -   The number one reason I think I had such a sense of fear in returning here is that I am without my #1 fan.  I know she is with me in many ways, but life from here on out will be different.  I won't have my mom sending me emails with an encouraging verse or quote, or phone calls to just talk about whatever is going on.  There will be no more hope of a  gentle warm hug upon arriving home or the silly gifts she would give on occasion.  Life is different, and training is different without her.
In all this discovery I had to make decisions as to how I was going to cope.  I make it sound like I thought very structurally about it all, but it has been a smattering of thoughts and feelings in the last week or so since returning to my training home.  One of the first things I had to remember was to take care of my health.  It is not uncommon after stressful situations (my life has been upside down for months now and also had Canadian Nationals just before my mom passed) to get sick.  And since most of my team mates seem to be sick with something I realized even before I left for the funeral etc that I had to step up my nutrition game.  I made a point to eat as well as I could even when i did not feel up to it, and keep my Ultragen recovery regime post workouts.  I also took care to sleep when possible and to not stress over how much training I was missing.
The other big thing I have been working on is to not make any big decisions and to not allow the loss of a parent to translate into, "I cannot do this anymore without her".  I think it is easy for anyone who suffers deep loss whether it be a person, animal or even sport to make hasty decisions that may be regretted later.  Lately I have felt semi apathetic.  I don't have the same little edge that I did before that pushed me to add the extra kilo on squats or push the extra bit to get ahead on the water.  I have moments and I believe it will return, but that is the key, you have to trust in your past and potential.  It did not change overnight, the circumstance just did.
So as I proceed with training, I do my best to be patient with myself and give myself time to adjust to this new life/circumstance.  I know my mom would be proud to see me move forward.

As it turns out the return was relatively painless (despite entering back during a high intensity week), and instead of being overwhelmed I have been pretty stress free.  I have managed to stay away from illness and get to every workout with decent energy.  I would love to say it was just that I have a strong immune system or that I am tough as nails but I think it comes down to being in tune with your body and taking the time to think through things with your heart and your head.  Things will come back, and life will move forward, just maybe a little differently than originally planned.

 

"But, I don't want to"

Somehow the post title seemed right.  I am posting but I really don't feel like it.  It is not that I am feeling lazy exactly but I just don't want to.  I guess it has a bit to do with the fact that if I post I will inevitably write the following, I am tired, I am overly emotional these days and I don't really want to face potential reasons for any of them. 
A few contributing factors:
-  Low in Vit D (this is actually true the doctor asked if I had spent any time in the sun this summer...)
-  Hard training paired with RADAR testing that is just going wonderfully (catch the sarcasm).
-  Mom's health and the frustration of her care and the fatigue I get when I think of how she must feel.
-  Being away from my husband and 2 dogs.

Some of these seem kinda silly maybe and I am trying to let God take my worries, and sometimes I am able but other times I have a hard time opening my hands all the way, I THINK I am but how I feel tells me otherwise.
There are times I am angry.  Other times I am just sad and just want to cry even when I have no idea why.  I have so much support but at the same time feel lost in everything.
I have tried to talk to God but something always stands in my way from fully hearing and feeling Him.  Another odd comment and I realize that I am probably the only one who can remove that barrier but I think that I am afraid of what the barrier is;  anger.  When I think about it I am not exactly angry at God but at the same time it is the only word I can pare it all down to.  He has done immeasurably more for me and continues to take care of my family and somehow I still feel it ok to be angry?  Maybe I need to sit at His feet again and just sit, maybe cry or yell or all the above.  All I know is that whatever is eating my heart needs to go.
There is another part of me that wonders if all of this is just fatigue mixed with hormones and a rough training week and that next week my eyes will be opened again and heart lifted.  Part of me really hopes that is true but I think it will only be a temporary fix.

So, how is that for depressing?  I like that I can write here and know that maybe one or no one will read but it does allow me to say what I feel without any glaring repercussions.  I appreciate the sounding board and more than invite feedback or stories of your struggles.  We are in this together, the whole Christian walk so maybe that is what this blog post is about, walking through the mud together when there is fog all around.  Together we can trudge through it and find the clarity we seek.

Back at it

Ok, Ok, so I am a little off track for my weekly updates.  My excuse;  travel, family and getting back into the swing of training.

I finished up my time at home in OR a couple of weeks ago and spent some time with my family at my childhood home.  As I mentioned in a previous post my mom had surgery and is now in a rehab hospital to regain what she can of her walking and general function for daily use.  It is a slow process but she is making progress daily.  It is so hard to see her struggle, and in some ways harder to see my dad struggle with his emotions and feeling about the whole ordeal.  He has a whole new responsibility and I think he wonders how he is to succeed.  I know he will be just fine, and he would be even better if he just let God take over of all the past, present and the future.  I know he wants to but I think he believes he is not worthy of it (who is? But God WANTS to give us freedom from worry).  Anyhoo, I won't talk more about that.  I have to daily give my concerns and worry to God so dad is certainly not alone.
One great improvement was having my mom at a family wedding reception for a few hours.  She looked great, like herself and besides getting pretty worn out she enjoyed herself and recovered well.

So what next?  Well, I am back in the training environment after having trained alone in OR for the past few months.  It is a whole different atmosphere now that the new quadrennial has begun.  Many of the Olympic women have moved on, and some others are either taking a breather, or finishing school.  I have realized even in the first few days of being back that I have to set some goals.  The past year or so was pretty simple; make it to the Olympics.  Now that we are past that I have to start with the next Olympics as my end goal but there are 4 years prior to cover and in those I need good solid goals for each year, and even throughout each year.  I am already working on eating better, which is easier when I cook for myself and it is only me.  Somehow I reason bad choices when at home.  And my next two rowing goals are Head of the Charles in Boston in which I will be racing the Championship 2x with my partner from World Championships in 2011, and of course there is Canadian Rowing Championships in November where I race the 1x again to defend my title.  These are not easy tasks but I will train hard and work to be the best I can be and leave the rest to God to pan out. 

If I can ask for prayer yet again please pray;
-  for a better sense of my limits as to prevent injury
-  healing of current muscle problem in the rib/shoulder area
-  My mom of course and her local support system, namely my dad and sister.
-  Courage and a listening ear to Christ as I continue on my rowing journey.  I want to do the right things and I don't want to waste time on the wrong things.
-  My incredibly understanding husband. 

Faith that moves Mountains

After my last post I realized, I was quite non-commital in my desire to be healthier.  The funny thing is, almost immediately I started to cut the "extras" and eat with veggies on the mind.  I cannot say I followed that all week but overall this week has been an improvement from the last.  Along with this my hours of training have gone up a bit and I have been more committed to getting ever last minute out of my workouts.  This week I will aim to step up the intensity slightly on selected workouts as to stretch my heart rate limits.  I return home to Ontario in a week and that is where I will begin to be more serious about my food choices and start posting more on this blog to keep myself accountable!

 On other and more important news, my mom is doing well and on her way to recovery.  As I was laying in bed the other night writing in my mental gratitude journal I thanked Jesus for his healing hands on my mom and in that moment I saw clearly how our attitude toward prayer and Christ's healing power plays a major part in our ability to see the outcome of his Grace.
Let me explain.  I have heard before that we can ask God for anything and He will answer, and I believe that.  I also have heard that we need to pray for the right thing (seems kind of vague doesn't it). I have also learned how to do this, and sometimes by trial and error.  But what I have been thinking on lately, even before my mom had more difficulties is that we need to pray, in my words, without looking back.  That is we need to pray and BELIEVE that God is able to do what it is we are asking.  Once we ask we need to let it go and trust it to God.  Yes we should continue to pray that He do His will and that he heal, but not because we think He did not hear us the first time.
I found an article written by Roderick Meredith, that talks about prayer in 12 "keys".  It does a pretty good job of laying out the whole picture of prayer as I have started to learn it (article: 12 Keys to Answered Prayer).  In the latest with my mom I struggled for at least a week, worrying and trying to give it over to Jesus to deal with but was not successful.  I am not sure exactly what happened to change this but one day I decided that I had not been praying with faith.  I know God is capable but I did not pray that way.  It was almost like clamoring up a hill with loose rock just trying to reach the top instead of taking the rope that had been dropped right next to me.  When I decided to take whole of that rope it was amazing the relief and it was astounding how things improved.  I do not think that my prayer is the only one that God listens to, especially when I know people across the world have been praying for our family (and thank you we are a blessed family) but one chink in the armor can cause it to fail right?
This got me to thinking about miracles.  I wonder if more miracles would happen today if we believed better and had faith that made people turn their heads, faith to move mountains perhaps?
My mom is doing very well, and has moved now to a rehabilitation hospital where she is learning to work with her new hip.  It looks like she has about 6 weeks until she can return home!  I am excited to see her and talk to her about her progress.  God will continue to bless her and mend her body, and I have faith that her lungs will be healed also.

Wow, I started this post today thinking I had little to say but here I am with even more thoughts to share.  To close out I want to say how proud I am of my mom.  I don't know what it was but at some point during her time of crisis she made a decision that she was not done with fighting with her body.  She is an amazingly strong woman in faith and fight.  It was after this decision that I started to see big changes in her progress, both mentally and physically, and to God we must be grateful for giving her that character.  I don't get my ability to push myself in sport from nowhere.  My dad has lots of athletic talent, but my mom holds some personality traits that also come into play and I am proud to share those with her.  And on the topic of family, my sister has also shown the same fight and persistence in life in her battle with weight loss.  She is doing such an amazing job despite a lifetime of disliking sport she has found a love and desire to make a change.  I am so incredibly proud of her and I am realizing as I type that God might be teaching me something through both of them
Both of these women in my life are great examples of surrendering fear, failures, worry and a host of other things for the grace of God and his great plan for life.  I am learning more from them every day.
As I approach the start of a new training cycle I am tentative, I am scared and I find myself trying to create "plan B, C" etc, but guess what God has told me time and again that the only plan is His plan and I should simply go with that.  So, day by day I walk toward an end I am not sure, but in the end I can be sure that God's true Will is there.

A New Day and a healthier me

Finally finished.  This testing week has gone on long enough and I finally completed testing Saturday with a personal best for the 2 km piece.  I was on my own as my husband went camping with his brothers but I managed to pull out a good test with a little (lot) Jesus on my side :)
The testing overall was not great and I have a long way to go to reach the points I need for increased funding, but I have no choice, and have decided to let God figure that one out.  I probably could have done better if I had decided that before testing began but I was holding so tightly to it and trying to control it that I missed that boat.  I don't know what the plan is but I am going to go back to basics;  Just work hard and be smart, seems simple enough!

 Now that a new training season has begun (when did the last one end?) I have a new goal.  I am having a hard time typing it because as soon as this posts I am then committed to something I am not sure I want completely... 
In the last month or so I have struggled with seeing my body as being fit for a National team.  Sure I am getting stronger and making some gains but I also see a lot of extra stuff that can hold me back.  Every little pound counts and although I don't feel I am overweight, I am not my HEALTHIEST.  This is more what I am concerned about, eating healthy to give my body the right fuel to do its best.  If I eat right the rest will follow. 
I think some of my realization also came around during the Olympics when I watched several athletes talk about their journey and see where they were at.  And even more so there was an add for something (not a great AD since I cannot remember what it was for) featuring athletes saying things like  "I have not had dessert in over a year".  Matt was sitting nearby when I was like "Ya right!"  "There is no way an athlete does not eat dessert, unless you are a lightweight, or gymnast."  Matt immediately responded, "A lot of athletes don't eat junk, I think you guys [rowers] are a little different".  Matt has spent much of his time in running, triathlon and cycling, and I do not doubt the lack of sweets in that diet but it still seems impossible to cut it all out!  After thinking upon it I started to feel a little frustrated and annoyed at myself for not having better self control.  If it is nearby I HAVE to eat it (or rather it feels that way), just as my sister, I am always raiding their sweets stash.  It is a constant battle and although I know some of it is unwarranted pressure on myself, I do see the value in being healthy and saying no to my cravings.  I know how to eat better, I have done it before, it just takes time and BIG time self control.
So what is my goal you ask?  To become a healthier, leaner me that I can be happy with.  I don't want to wonder if I could have done something better if I had just avoided the ice cream.

My younger sister has recently started her journey to a better more healthy self, along with her husband.  They are doing great and so I hope that maybe she and I can work together on this along with all of you!

The Game Plan:
- My first week will be a "detox" week.  Don't worry I am not into the weird and unhealthy cabbage detox or anything.  My method is guided a little by a book I read a while back and means eating unlimited veggies (non starch), protein, and limited wheat and grains such as bread.  There is no room for sugar of any kind outside of limited fruit, even gum is out.  My allotment of these will be greater than some because of my exercise regime but the basic principles remain.  Oh I will have some sugar as my recovery drink has some simple sugar so that is hard to avoid.
-  In order to help stay on track I am going to be writing out everything that I put in my mouth including vitamins and medications.
-  I hope to post at least one example a week of my day, exercise, food and perhaps even some recipes.  This way I have support and I am accountable to my food choices. 

I am not sure exactly when I am going to start this.  I should start today but I don't know that I am ready.  Sometimes it is good to just do it, no time like the present, however, because of the place I am in right now I think it is best to wait a bit longer.  I will let you know when I begin.  I challenge you to take up the same kind of healthy regime, post your goals and progress in the comments of my posts.  I am here for you as much as you have been here for me!

My hope is found in Christ alone

How long has it been?  1 month? Two?  Whatever it is, I know I have probably lost any following with my inconsistency.  That said, Matt, my husband has challenged me to write once a week, even if you write a few sentences.  In my pursuit to increase my "media" presence over the next couple of years (granted all goes well with rowing) updating this more regularly may help me find more financial support or support with gear, and nutritional supplementation.  I enjoy writing here, but often find it hard to think of something "worth" talking about, but I have to remind myself that life is not always eloquent or well thought out despite what we may sometimes think.  Writing that I ate some good stuffed peppers for dinner, and that I can't wait until this week is over might just be interesting to someone.

So, what is new?  As you can imagine there have been a lot of decisions my husband and I have made involving our future.  With rowing turning out the way it did it was hard to walk away feeling like I had done all I could do.  I may be holding onto something that is not realistic, but in making the decisions I felt like it was not over yet.  That said, right now, during the heat of testing I think about packing it up and moving home (to Oregon).  However, I know not to make decisions on a high or low as you tend to be swayed by emotion.  The plan is to stick with it and take the next 4 years one at a time moving toward the 2016 Rio Olympics.

Speaking of the Olympics.  Can I say that it was one of the hardest years to watch!  The coverage was not really great with too much focus on only a handful of sports but my real issue was with being both excited for my team mates, and disappointed and frustrated, maybe even angry that I was not there.  I don't know that I should have been there but it has been a tough cookie to swallow.  I did get up in the wee hours to watch our women row an amazing race to silver, but the days leading to that were tough in my own workouts and still can be challenging, especially while on my own in OR until I return to the center in September.
This week we have our RADAR testing.  For those who don't know it is the series of tests that help identify athletes from the intro level to the top elite.  Each test gets designated points and certain levels give you certain financial benefits (or rather give you the opportunity).  I have put a lot of pressure on myself to meet the next tier of financial aid, so that I am able to contribute more to our family budget as I tend to suck from it more than give.  I know I am capable of what the tests require, however, it requires me to be on my game every test.  I started the tests on Monday and had 2 successes and 2 not so great tests.  I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take it a test at a time, that God has it in his hands and that whether I get increased funding or not He will provide.  Perhaps I would be better off as a high dependent.  Tomorrow I have the 6 km test and Saturday will complete the testing with a 2 km piece all on the rowing machine.  Usually there would also be a water component but because I am away I am forfeiting those points this round.  These last two tests I have felt good about, but I have to keep my mind in the game, as lately that is what is failing faster than my body.  When it hurts, I have to push through the wall.

The underlying problem in all of this is my lack of fervor for Christ as of late.  I have not lost faith, or my love, but I feel lethargic.  I can only guess that it is a quiet time, and with all the stress in life lately I am sure I really do need to just be still and quiet.  Maybe I need to listen more for His voice and talk less.

With all I have said above, let me not forget to say I have much to be grateful and joyful about.  My mom who has had more than her share of health drama in the last 5 years, has added another event to her list.  After a fall on the back patio, she broke her hip and has had a hip replacement.  Unfortunately for her, a hip replacement goes from being routine to being high risk due to her medications and health history.  It was a little scary for a bit but the Lord prevailed and she came out of surgery with a new hip and with only a few days of concerning issues she leveled out and I have chatted with her on the phone a couple of times.  I know my mom has been fighting for a while and I know she is tired but she finds her strength in Christ alone.  I want her to continue to see value in her fight and I can only pray that God gives her more energy than she knows what to do with.  A miracle is possible and I have faith that it is in motion.

God is good.  I know this.  God is powerful.  God should be feared.  And God is on my side or rather I am on His.

(Photo is of my youngest Maple doing what she does best, snuggling, after my erg session)

Victory is the Lord's

Whew!  What a whirlwind few weeks!
If you have been following me at all through my family, facebook or wherever you know that I returned from Europe/UK last Monday after some amazing racing on Sunday to finish of the Royal Henley regatta!  Since then I have been unpacking, repacking and visiting family and friends as well as reuniting with my very patient husband!

I realize I have no posted about my final race in Henley so here it goes!
Every evening after racing and before our next days race we meet together as a team for a meeting.  It usually addresses our goals for the previous race and the execution of them, things to improve upon and other notable things.  We then move onto the next days race where we discuss our goals for execution (usually 3 things), implementation of changes to race plan based on feedback of previous races and of course we briefly discuss our competition and possible course conditions.
I was pretty nervous but also excited about our race.  We found out we were up against the German Olympic team which is a pretty neat opportunity, or so I thought and I won't lie, I am still out for blood to show myself, my rowing organization and the world that I AM world class and can even go from sculling to sweep in only a few months.  I knew what we were capable of as a crew, and have never felt such a cohesive crew before.  Little drama and lots of aggression.  Our coach talks often about how we decide the outcome of a race long before the day of the race comes.  It might be the night before or in my case when you start a training journey.  What is important here is that if you don't decide before the even comes what happens is you are forced to decide in the heat of the moment, when things get tough and your brain is lacking the oxygen it needs to make the best decision.  By deciding ahead you have already prepared your mind for those questions and will more easily be able to answer it with MORE instead of less.  It is a good lesson for life, make the decision before you go out for dinner not to order fries but instead a salad, set your clothes out for a walk in the morning before getting in bed, or decide to make changes in your relationships, set out a clear plan before you go back to it.
To get back on topic, our post/pre meetings are to set us up for success and move us from one level on the ladder to the next.

Race day is always a fun day.  I go between wanting to get over the nerves and the race to embracing every part of the day.  If you are looking for success the latter is what you should always strive to do, but even the best athletes can tell you that sometimes you have to remind yourself to stay in the moment.
Our race was in the afternoon and so the morning was our usual pre-row followed by waiting... I am pretty sure we all were sick of waiting but again you find things to do, have a nap (albeit a short one), play some Words with Friends, surf the net, read etc before it is time to head down to the course.
The walk to the course was kind of fun.  When you feel good about your training, and your abilities that walk is tall, confident and assured.  And when you feel the presence of God with you, it is exciting.  In typical fashion I had some chat with God on my walk and take a big breath where I think about breathing in His presence and Will and exhaling my own reservations, concerns and will. 
On arrival to the course we typically put the boat down so our coach can wash it (while in his obligatory suit for riding in the umpire boat while we race) and then we sit, watch the hats walk by and on this day, the victories coming into the dock.  It is a pretty neat scene.  As we approach our launch time for on water warm up we do an erg, last minute bathroom breaks and bag check.  After that it is  hands on and on the water where we get our bodies more prepared for the impending pain.
The race was a euphoric one.  At the start line I have learned that my best companion and bearer of all is Jesus.  As funny as it sounds, He and I row hand in hand from stroke one.  In this race we flew off the line and never looked back.  As the pain settled in and the lactic acid started coursing through my body I was asked the question "how much more do you want?  How much more can you take?"  They are tough questions but every time they were asked I was able to answer "All of it!" and "MORE".  A few time I even went as far as to put it back in God's court and say "If you (Jesus) were able to take the weight of the world, I think I am capable of a few minutes of physical pain", it is always possible with Him.
Our gap ahead of the German crew grew, not easily I might add but with determination and confidence, and at the end of the race we found ourselves to have tested our strength and will to the max. 

I am blessed and I know that God is with me and with my husband on this journey.  I don't always know why I am led to row and more so, be away from my husband but there is a plan.  I believe that God is in everything we do, we just have to let Him SHINE!  I am always at the brink of tears when I think of what joy I have in my sport and how blessed I am and all I can hope is that God is looking down with pleasure  on what I do.

Our trip ended well, and I got home to Canada safely.  Like I mentioned I am now with my husband visiting friends in Connecticut and we will head home to Oregon after some time with my family.  I am excited about my summer, and excited to see what the rest of the year brings.

Thank you for constant prayer and love.  Every uttered thought and word have been felt and answered.
Until next time!

Planned for God's Pleasure

It is no surprise that I have so much to write about and no way to get it all down cohesively.  This is what I get for not updating earlier.

The Big Move
To those on facebook, it is no surprise that I have changed locations from the Netherlands to the United Kingdom.  We arrived in Henley on the Thames Saturday afternoon and have settled into our respective homes around town.  We are all relatively close to one another and it would seem that our home stay families are friends or acquaintances.  We each have our own bed (I was sharing with our cox for the last week in Holland), and share a room with one other team mate.  The house is lovely and the family also.
It is about a 20 min walk each morning to the course for training and we either stay around have a snack then train again or on a day like today we walk home, rest and eat and return later.
The course is quite busy with both regatta traffic and leisure boat traffic.  It is a whole different beast for coxwains to navigate, even though it is a straight course;  course is lined with just above water cement barriers, weaving traffic, large boats coming toward you, a strong current due to lots of rain etc.  We manage and have settled into the hub bub downtown on and off the water.
For those who do not know this race it is quite the ordeal.  It is based on the similar idea of horse racing.  All races are dual style, so only 2 at a time head to head.  There is not the same cheering in the grand stands as the people are dressed with their blazers, dresses and hats and often are busy drinking their beverage of choice or enjoying lunch sandwiches.  However, there is betting that occurs, which we discovered after being made to weigh in on our first morning.  I suppose they think this might help people decide who the winners might be?  The point is racing is quite different here as is the atmosphere, but it is a sight to behold.  Our first race is Friday against France.  From there the winner progresses and the loser is done racing.  There are two brackets and so we won't see anyone from the other side until we progress.  There are a handful of potentially good crews such as ourselves so racing should be exciting.

The Queen's visit
One big event I experienced yesterday was the arrival of the Queen by boat on the Thames.  As a part of the Diamond Jubilee she is touring around London.  There was a river pageant put on to entertain and display the history of the river and we all got to watch as the Queen smiled as she took in the sites.  Those of us watching her gave a few "Hip hips!" as she arrived.  It was quite the affair.
(She is the one seated in blue, next to her lady in waiting.)

Giving God my Attention
In the last few weeks, a lot has happened, and in that I have learned how to overcome some of my pride, control and the importance of recognizing the little chinks in my armor that Satan will use to bring me down.  The last bit in Holland as I think I wrote, was difficult, with injuries, and boat seating changes and just taking what the coach was saying as valuable.  Much of my problem came from pride of which I am learning how to lay down.  As I began to lay that down, God was able to continue his work in me, and what do you know he presented things before me again that I had been holding onto as important but for the wrong reasons.  What is comes down to for me is, God does not have my attention, focus, or affection (amongst other things) unless I GIVE IT TO HIM.
I cannot take complete credit for the thought as I heard it first in a sermon from my London church (Gateway)but it hit home.  The series is entitled "A Life of Purpose" and covers many aspects of how we can do that and ultimately how God has created us for a specific purpose.
To go back to the point on us giving our attention to God, I realized that it was a different way of thinking of God as our center.  Jesus is always there, always watching, waiting and ready for me to look His way.  Does not take much but the return is immense.  Taking a few mins or longer to give God my attention needs to be my constant focus, and I am working to do this through the day.  When rowing is difficult or things are going well, I give a little "thank you" or "please give me courage", inviting Christ to take a lead, and therefore I take the following role.  This brings me to another point, again from this sermon series and that is, it does not matter WHAT you do but WHO you do it for.
In the time I have started rowing again I have realized that often things start going awry when I forget to give God my attention but also forget that all I do should be a gift to God.  My abilities and gifts should be used not only to fulfill the great commandment but also to worship Him.  Winning does not always happen, and when it does the high more often than not fades and you can be left with a sinking feeling.  When I hit the water for practice or a race I am confident knowing that God and I are on the same page, that I have asked him and talked to him about the day and what lie ahead.  I do my best to remember to take the time to dedicate the outcome to God's glory.

God has a purpose for us all.  It often comes through many hardships but small in comparison to sending your child to die for a world of undeserving humans.  Our purpose comes with our talents and gifts, and our gift to God is our hands open, giving God the attention and affection He deserves.
As I prepare to race on Friday in our first dual, I want and am able to say that God is there with me, hauling on the oar and helping me set a pace for the rest of the team.  If every stroke is done with purpose and meaning I can rest assured that I have more than two hands on my oar and at the end of the day I can say that what was accomplished was most pleasing to God.

To close out I have a few prayer requests and praises:
-  Thank you for continued prayer regarding injuries on our team.  Both of our serious injured girls are back in the boat and managing.  I know they are not comfortable but I believe God can continue to ease their pain until they can rest next week.  Please continue to pray for them.
-  Pray for the best conditions for our racing.  It is a hard prayer for me sometimes because I want to pray for what I think the best conditions are for racing but God knows more than I, he knows the competition and he knows me better than I know myself.  Currently we have a big current against us which makes for some hard rowing.  I know we can manage but I certainly could use a little help staying on top of it :)
-  My last request is for myself and that is that I would stay healthy and injury free.  A few niggling things keep me cautious at times but I know it is in better hands.  So far so good!

OH we are racing as Western Rowing Club so if you are trying to look at results online on the Henley Royal webpage that is who we are!

Thanks as always for your prayer and support.  I am excited to race but also excited to be back with family and friends in Canada!

Cheers!

Versatilty and experience

It is almost a week past but having just finished lunch and having some time before second practice, I felt I should FINALLY update!

As you know last weekend we raced the Holland Beker regatta, and as some may not know we had some good success.  I cannot say we had our best racing the first 2 races but the most important race brought good changes and some rhythm to the crew.
Day 1 of racing we took on the Under 23 Netherlands crew with a commanding start and slight lead early on.  They put on some good racing and we fuddled our way through the race with varying levels of success.  We did cross the line first to capture a gold medal (the first for our coxwain who is very inexperienced but certainly won the lottery with our crew).
Our second day included a heat in the morning against some club crews.  We set out with a bang off the start and because it was a heat and we just wanted to get to the final we took the rate down through the race as to not win by too much.  It was not a superbly executed race but it was an improvement on the previous day.
The big event was in the evening when we were sandwiched between the Netherlands Olympic 8+ and their Under 23 8+ .  Again off the start we took the edge out and pushed to hold on to them as long as possible.  Our focus was to keep the gap between the Olympic boat and ours as close as possible.  This was our way of making them work the entire race, giving OUR Olympic boat some data to work with.  This race was by far the best we have had.  It was quick, light and there was a good rhythm through the body of the piece.  It certainly hurt plenty but the reward was great when we knew we did all we could do.

Racing always has its ups and downs and as I gain more international experience I learn more about how I approach racing and training.  This weekend I reflected a lot on the 2x final last year at World Championships.  For those who have not caught up, my partner and I did not qualify for the Olympics last year, for many reasons but one being experience.  Racing is a fine balance of rowing like every race is a final and racing smart as to not waste too much energy too soon.  It takes time to figure it all out and sometimes there are still surprises.  At Worlds I was so confident in the POTENTIAL of our boat that I think what ended up happening is we did not realize the potential for each step of the racing process.  What I mean is that in the heat we thought we were racing our best but in reality we were holding back, not thinking of the level of racing to be had and done.
At the end of the day, you have to find some value in everything you do, and sometimes it is about hindsight.  I could not have learned from my past experience without the continued experience I have today.

Speaking of experiences, due to unfortunate events; a rib injury in one of our teammates, we have been doing some modifying of our crew to get the work in (we do not have any spare bodies on our trip).  Yesterday morning we rigged some other boats including a quad (4x), pair (2-), and a single (1x).  Can you guess what I rowed?  Of course the single!  I was quite happy to get in again and row.  I was plesantly surprised with my rowing and the change in strength to hold my body in a good position.  I also was able to row a new Hudson boat that  has a new bow mount rigger unlike my stern mounted one.  Different feeling but nice!  I might look into selling my boat and buying this new style.  So continuing about changes, Last night our coach sat in the empty seat of the 8+ which is always fun (he is a former Olympian), Oh and I have also been in bow seat for a few days from my usual stroke (another fun experience to have).  And today thus far I have switched sides to row Starboard while we rowed with one less person.  So to sum up the last 2 days, I have;  sculled, and swept both on Port and Starboard!  Who knows what tonight brings!

On other things, we moved hotels for a few days as the Novotel was booked solid.  I think they were glad to see us go... or so that is what it felt like.  The Mercator where were are now situated is quite pleasant, amazing food and a peaceful atmosphere.  I am loving being able to look out the window to see a little pond, bunnies, and birds, not to mention lots of greenery.  Our bike ride to and from the course is also far more scenic.  My roommate remains the same which we are quite happy with.  We will see how she feels after a few more days :)

That is it for now!  Please continue to pray for healing for my teammate (who is also Christian) and for protection for the rest of us from injury and illness.  Talk to you again soon!

Euro Tour 2

Here we go, post two of the Euro trip!

Tomorrow is our first day of racing, and man is it ever different racing in the 8+ as opposed to small boats.  I am so used to having heats, semis, finals at least and with the 8+ because of the low entries that are typical (the eight sucks up a lot of athletes and so most countries do not have a competitive boat) we pretty much have finals and perhaps a heat on our second day of racing. 
In some ways this is nice, in others it means you have to get it right the first time!  No second chances.
I don't think we will need the second chance as things are coming together pretty well.  We still have a lot of room for improvement but that is just the nature of the sport.  We strive to perfect one aspect of the stroke at a time, and typically have to cycle back to that point eventually.  We do it in hopes that on race day we are cleaner, faster and more precise than the competition.

In non rowing news, we have taken to riding our bikes two and from practice every day for each practice.  It is a 10-15 min ride through this part of town.  We do stick out in the commuting crowd but I think more because we are all tall, athletic and don't quite fit properly on our bikes due to our size. 
The weather here is nicer than some made it out to be.  It rains every day and has been quite windy but nothing we cannot handle.  The course is so protected that strong winds that would blow us off the water in London ON are just creating some choppy water here.

All in all things are good, I hope to get some laundry done soon and I look forward to our free day on Monday!  I will do my best to give some racing updates, but if you want to follow us online check this website:
Holland Beker Regatta

There is the option to view in English in the top right corner, and options to view live racing and results on the page also.    We race both Saturday and Sunday evening  in the W8+ for CAN

Thanks for your cheers!

Re-defining my Adventure

Hey everyone!

Well after a long hiatus I am back and ready to re-start and continue the adventure I have set out to do.  And you know what, perhaps it has changed a bit. 

My adventure is first and foremost to spread God's love, to team mates, family, friends, strangers in the street and beyond. 
The setting: On the Canadian National rowing team in whatever location we find ourselves.
The Goals: To bring people toward God's love and everlasting promise, and if I happen to make an Olympic team or World Championship team I will gladly accept and spread the news abroad :)

So now that this is clear.  The last few months have been a major roller coaster ride with returning to London, and switching from sculling in my single to sweeping in an 8+.  It has been a long time since I have sat in a sweep boat and my body was not too happy but neither was my head and heart.  After some long needed wake up calls I decided to give it all to God and let him guide my body, heart and head to His plan.  This is another reason I feel my adventure needs to be stated for God's Will.  Doing something I am not in love with is another way God can show himself; in my attitude toward the activity.

After my attitude change I have been able to simply enjoy rowing and learn more about my abilities and where I can improve.  So now I find myself with a development group newly arrived in Amsterdam ND to race the Holland Beker regatta on the first course I ever raced internationally (Under 23 team) followed in a few weeks by the Henley Royal Regatta in London England.  I am very excited to be in the group and to have an opportunity to race with Canadian colours once again, even if it is not the Olympics. 
Today was our first day of rowing and I am headed shortly for a second row.  We have a great hotel in close proximity to the course and bikes to get from A to B.  The women I am working with are wonderful, and if I did not mention it in previous posts a few are Christians as well which is a great experience also.  I have always had a great sense that God  has been working in my life and the rowing world the last year or so and this is just another way He shows his power and planning.

I do not have much more to report as of now, but I thought I should get the ball rolling again.  Perhaps I can even start getting photos in here!

Thank you so much for all your prayer even in my silence.  God is doing amazing things and He continues to do so even when things are quiet.

Oh one prayer item.  Matt and I are looking at trying to make my rowing and his career work together and to do that being in closer proximity would be nice.  If you can pray that God's will be done and that the transfer we are looking to get works if I am indeed meant to continue rowing, and if His will is to do it through other means that it be VERY clear.  I believe he will answer a one or the other prayer but I also realize God's will is not always able to fit in a box, and I by no means want to fit in a box!

Talk to you all soon!

Hebrews 12:1-3   Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Everything and Nothing

My inspiration for writing has been fleeting lately and it seems that when I feel inspired I am no where near a computer or journal to write things down.  It would be hard to say that is my only reason for not updating this blog, but it is a contributing factor.
A while ago I think I mentioned (or so I had been thinking to mention) that sometimes it is hard to write a blog such as this and then have the dream you were gunning for, slowly fade away.  I don't have to please everyone but human response is to think I have let someone down or disappointed those who have been praying and supporting me.  My dream is not gone, I am just a little confused over the game plan for my life in rowing.  I see glimpses of purpose when I get opportunities to witness to teammates, supporters and other people along my journey but I cannot lie and say that I know what is ahead for me.
So this is another factor in my lack of posts.  Not a good one, but a tough one to swallow sometimes.  But as I have learned in sport, there are days when you don't feel inspired, you feel beat down and hopeless, and in order to get to the other side, to reach your goal you have to rise above.  It is not just enough to go through the motions (although that is what happens often), but to put every ounce you have left into every stroke even if you are only able to work at 50% of your normal 100%.
This week was one like that and I did not always do the best job of rising above.  There were days where I spent the energy I should have spent on the oar on thinking about how tired and sore I was.  Did you know it takes the same amount of energy to do it right as to do it wrong?  But for some reason we like doing it wrong more than right, especially when we are in the pit of despair, hurt and confusion.  I am making it my focus in the next few weeks to change my thinking by ditching the self pity and taking on an attitude of strength, courage and that of Philippians 4:13; I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.

Now, that I have written my motivating self talk for all to read I should probably fill you in on what I am up to and the direction I am headed now.
Upon arriving back in London, after 4 weeks of healing time for my 3rd rib fracture (3rd is a charm...?) I got back on the water.  I spent a couple days in the single, easing into rowing again, and then made a big switch to sweep rowing (one oar in my hand).  I spent a couple of weeks rowing in a couple of different boats and then this past week made a switch to the opposite side of sweep (there is Port and Starboard) to help fill in some gaps.  I am happy to be versatile but it did become a little overwhelming for my body as I found out after I switched back into the single for the last few days.  I survived and I will be in the 1x for the next week as we are racing in Welland next weekend for the Development regatta (Sat-Sun, not as important for me as it is for some of the younger ones but still good experience).  I am not looking forward to the major ego hit this race will more than likely be, as I have not done much sculling lately and it does take time to reacquaint before going fast, but I will do my best, and it is always good to get a dose of reality sometimes right?
Our little group of 7 is training toward 2 European races; English Henley in London and the HollandBeker regatta in Amsterdam.  We are looking forward to it, and hope to have a better idea of what we will be racing as the Olympic group completes their selection in the next week.
Deep down I know God can work a miracle and I could be at the Olympics, but I decided that I need to step back and let Him work the wonder and not me, so I concede to the non Olympic dream this year but I am praying that God will make it clear what the plan is for the next cycle.  It is a big decision for Matt and I but we know God will answer prayer and tell me clearly whether to stay or go.

Keep praying, and believing the impossible can happen and in the end we believe that as we may worry about our future, we already know the important part, that this is not home, that our home lies in heaven with Christ.  That is our future, and it looks pretty bright :)


Song for the week: Everything and Nothing by Matt Maher
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yEMeRQs4tI

The latest and greatest

Hello!
There is a lot of new news here but nothing too riveting. 
As I posted a while back I went to a camp in Sacramento, which was a great experience overall despite challenging my mental confidence I came away stronger... oh well besides that impending rib fracture thing...
In the last day or so of camp it would turn out that I caused another rib stress fracture but on my left side instead of my usual right.  Fortunately after only a couple of days I decided to pull myself from the water and start trying to get a handle on the pain and inflammation.
From that point forward I have been off the water (now 2 weeks) and my life or rather my rowing life has been flipped upside down once again.  With 2 more weeks minimum of recovery I was not invited, despite my best efforts to the last Sacramento camp happening as we speak, and I am on my way back to London to join my old group for non Olympic events for the year.  My dream remains the same as I get myself back to full health using the bike, and running as my workouts.

Yesterday I left Victoria, with some sadness, to our home in Oregon where I will spend a few days and work my way back to Ontario with my husband from there.

I am still looking forward what lies ahead, and despite the changes I am always reminded that God has things under control... not me. 

Hope in the Lord, He will renew strength

It is hard to keep my head on straight when I am fatigued, feeling a time crunch and comparing myself to others who in the end I will be faster than.be
Camp is going well, I am learning a lot from my new 2x partner (temporary as HE is male haha).  He is a multiple time world and Olympic champ and has so much great experience and way of explaining things that makes sense.  We have made some great changes in our boat and I am feeling like I should be stronger for it.  The catch comes when I get in the 1x.  I feel slow (and comparatively am) and have not been able to transition the technical changes from the 2x to the 1x completely...yet.  The most difficult part is the time crunch that is present but I keep imposing more on myself than necessary.

I am tired, my body is on the edge but I also know that good things can happen with patience.  God continues to be good to me and gives me strength when I need it most and I will continue to trust His plan for me.  What I need to do is start fighting against the powers of negative suggestion, spiritual battering and discouragement that comes through my own thoughts but most likely egged on my Satan. 
Most of you reading probably know me well enough to laugh at my constant battle of feeling fast enough or good enough.  I do realize how silly it sounds when other times I am so sure of the next step but it still does not change the feeling of being in a pit of frustration and discouragement. 

On a more positive note, I have been encouraged during a challenging piece by Isaiah 40:28-31;

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and  His understanding no one can fathom.

Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall;

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;  They will run and not grow weary;  The will walk and not grow faint.

I just kept repeating the last part in my head as we crossed the line and I know Jesus reminds me in small things of His power and might.  I would encourage you to look closely at the entire chapter of Isaiah 40.  I just read over the whole thing again and man does it speak volumes to a people who were wandering the desert for YEARS!  An 8 day trip that was prolonged simply because they could not leave their lives to God's keeping.  I don't want to wander for years I want to stay focused and trust in God, not looking to the left or the right.

Despite my struggle I feel that I am going to come out the other side faster;  this is a time of breaking down then building back up stronger than before.  Patience, trust and courage are the keys to making it back on top.
Prayer requests:
-  Injury -  I have been holding up ok but having some rib issues that are manageable right now but hope to clear it right up!
-  Sleep!  I am not really sleeping well and most certainly need it.
-  I need to keep focused and free from Satan's grasp.  I want people to notice something different about me, so they will start to think twice about who leads their life.
-  Continued safety and recovery for all the athletes and discernment for the coaches and staff.

I thank God for my supporters, the ones I know and don't.  On hard days I can hear individuals cheering me on and reminding me of what I have set out to do. 

Live, boldly, hold open your hands and raise them high!