Is anyone still out there?
I realize I have taken a long sabbatical from blogging and so I do not expect many readers but I need to do this for myself.
My long hiatus has a lot... or rather everything to do with my Mom's death. Even writing that is hard because all I want is for her to be a phone call away.
As many can imagine, or maybe have experienced, life has been hard the last several months, and it is hard to believe that a year will have passed in 4 months. I miss my mom everyday, and some days I feel her absence more than others. I feel slightly selfish in admitting this but in my rowing life I feel her absence most. I did not realize until after our latest trip to Europe for World Cup 3 that she really has been the foundation of my support. My husband is a great support don't get me wrong, but my mom has been that role my entire life, and she was someone I could talk to about anything and I know she would be praying for me often, especially in her last few years. It is not until after her death that I feel how strong her prayers were as I feel their absence now.
Our latest trip to Europe culminating in World Cup 3 was a challenging one. I struggled emotionally and constantly doubted my ability, dedication and desire for rowing. I truly missed my mom and wished every moment that I could guarantee that upon my return home she would greet me with arms and smile wide ready to hear of all my adventures and the racing experience.
It was during this trip and post trip that I see how important it is for me to stay in contact with people. I have been shutting the world out and burying myself in the work of rowing only to find nothing at the end of the day except for more pain, suppressed tears and lack of motivation to do anything. So this is what spurred me to write again. It has been pressing on my heart for a while, but today is the day I start unpacking myself, unloading my baggage and accepting what God has for me in LIFE!
This song by Citizen Way called Sing Sing Sing, was actually the official culprit for my return to living and I have now listened to it about 5 times while writing.
The road is not going to be easy, and as many have said time heals but I also know that God heals.
I do not know what the future holds for me. I am not going to World Championships in a traditional role, but potentially as a spare in the event someone is injured, (a humbling experience) but I know God will make clear what HIS plan is, as he always has. I continue to need prayer for a multitude of things, but the biggest for healing and acceptance. I will always miss my Mom but I know my support system is greater than just she, I just have to let the change happen.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A Season of Firsts
It has been almost a month since I returned from Australia, and I know I am guilty again of not updating this blog. In my defense the internet was expensive and even after paying for it, I had limited usage and access; one way in which Australia is behind the curve.
On my flight home I had A LOT of time to mull over my trip, to think upon what was worth sharing and what I had learned and one of the things that struck me was the number of "firsts" I experienced on this trip. Some of those experiences were good, others difficult and challenging but in it all God was shaping me and sharing in the moment.
The first and obvious first was the trip itself. I had never been to Australia, let alone across the world. It was an amazing experience and opportunity that I may not get again for a long time. Travel was uneventful, and the atmosphere was friendly and light during training. In training I had a first, which was rowing in a tidal river, and if you have had that experience before you know how challenging it can be, especially if you are the one responsible for the crew. Fortunately our group had no firsts beaching ourselves and having to wait hours for the next tidal flow to get home.
The next big first was the reason we were Down Under in the first place, and that was to race World Cup 1. I have never raced a World Cup event. That said I have raced a World Championship event, just never the lead up event. My overall experience at the race course (the 2000 Sydney Olympic course) was great, probably the best course I have been on. There was a lot to soak in but little time to really fully appreciate the environment. What we did not miss on was plenty of racing. Over 3 days I raced 6 times, 50% in each the 4x and the 8+ and learned a lot about myself in both. The overall theme for me this trip was confidence. I became so paralyzed with discouragement and a sense of self doubt and worth, something that has been plaguing me since the early fall exploding with the death of my mom. The depression that I have been struggling with is dissipating but my time in Australia really tested me and although I am now aware of what was happening it took a while to get to that point, and I still have a ways to go in standing on two strong feet again.
Something that was not a first, but lead to a first, was another rib fracture which appeared in our training camp in Tasmania. It came on fast with really no warning but it was the response that surprised even myself. When I realized that I was facing another rib problem, I prayed that God heal my body, that he would hold my ribs together at least long enough to get me through racing with little to no pain. And for the first time in my life I actually TRUSTED that God follow through. I strongly believe that we pray far to often with little to no conviction. We think we are trusting but when we look at the greater picture we have set up so many safety nets "just in case". God did fulfill his promise and He managed the pain for me through the rest of our trip, and continues to heal my body as I train out of the boat until full healing. I continuously remind myself to let go and let God work.
Despite the difficulties I had physically and psychologically, God gave me insight enough to know I had to just get the job done and in the 8+ I had yet another first; my first medal at an international event. It was a painful race, as I had raced a few hours prior in the 4x final, however with focus and determination of our crew we crossed the line in 3rd, enough for a bronze medal, only an indication of the future potential. It was an amazing experience to stand on the podium and to realize that this is the fruit of many years of labour, and a gracious gift encouraging me to keep moving forward.
You know, I just had a thought, I was inclined to write that this result puts me on the map, and I almost thought, it makes me somebody in the rowing world. In many ways this is true, but before I could even get to that thought, I smiled and thought, how blessed are we, knowing that we are somebody no matter if we stand on a podium, have our names in the news, or spend our days at home taking care of family. We are precious and most important to our Creator; pure love.
I think I could go on about firsts but the last and probably most challenging was my first race without probably my biggest fan; Mom. Somehow traveling and racing was different knowing that she was not sitting at the computer trying to figure out results, or watching races from home. Often my first response after racing is to contact my mom because I know no matter the result she is excited, embarrassingly so, about the efforts and results. I am glad my mom never stopped being excited about the little things, despite how we (my siblings) and I teased her about the ear to ear grins, squeals of delight and just overall over joyous celebration. I now realize how much I needed that and how good it felt to know she was proud. And that is just it, I know she would be proud of me and what I have accomplished in the last few months. I would love her to be with me but I respect and honour the fact that God decided it was time for her to come home and He always has the best plan.
I want everyone to know including my husband, dad and siblings that I appreciate greatly your support and cheerleading. I am so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to keep me moving forward and seeing the greater picture. No one can replace my mom but everyone does a wonderful job of making me feel loved.
Firsts are sometimes scary, and sometimes they are exciting. I often think of this time in my life, post mom's passing as starting a new phase. I don't know exactly what it is but life is different now, and I am changing and working to balance, shuffle and embrace that. I hope that I can continue to please God in all I do and that He will direct my paths. Please keep praying for health, God's Will to be known and perseverance to finish the race God has set out for me to complete.
Here is to new Beginnings and Firsts of many things in the future.
On my flight home I had A LOT of time to mull over my trip, to think upon what was worth sharing and what I had learned and one of the things that struck me was the number of "firsts" I experienced on this trip. Some of those experiences were good, others difficult and challenging but in it all God was shaping me and sharing in the moment.
The first and obvious first was the trip itself. I had never been to Australia, let alone across the world. It was an amazing experience and opportunity that I may not get again for a long time. Travel was uneventful, and the atmosphere was friendly and light during training. In training I had a first, which was rowing in a tidal river, and if you have had that experience before you know how challenging it can be, especially if you are the one responsible for the crew. Fortunately our group had no firsts beaching ourselves and having to wait hours for the next tidal flow to get home.
The next big first was the reason we were Down Under in the first place, and that was to race World Cup 1. I have never raced a World Cup event. That said I have raced a World Championship event, just never the lead up event. My overall experience at the race course (the 2000 Sydney Olympic course) was great, probably the best course I have been on. There was a lot to soak in but little time to really fully appreciate the environment. What we did not miss on was plenty of racing. Over 3 days I raced 6 times, 50% in each the 4x and the 8+ and learned a lot about myself in both. The overall theme for me this trip was confidence. I became so paralyzed with discouragement and a sense of self doubt and worth, something that has been plaguing me since the early fall exploding with the death of my mom. The depression that I have been struggling with is dissipating but my time in Australia really tested me and although I am now aware of what was happening it took a while to get to that point, and I still have a ways to go in standing on two strong feet again.
Something that was not a first, but lead to a first, was another rib fracture which appeared in our training camp in Tasmania. It came on fast with really no warning but it was the response that surprised even myself. When I realized that I was facing another rib problem, I prayed that God heal my body, that he would hold my ribs together at least long enough to get me through racing with little to no pain. And for the first time in my life I actually TRUSTED that God follow through. I strongly believe that we pray far to often with little to no conviction. We think we are trusting but when we look at the greater picture we have set up so many safety nets "just in case". God did fulfill his promise and He managed the pain for me through the rest of our trip, and continues to heal my body as I train out of the boat until full healing. I continuously remind myself to let go and let God work.
Despite the difficulties I had physically and psychologically, God gave me insight enough to know I had to just get the job done and in the 8+ I had yet another first; my first medal at an international event. It was a painful race, as I had raced a few hours prior in the 4x final, however with focus and determination of our crew we crossed the line in 3rd, enough for a bronze medal, only an indication of the future potential. It was an amazing experience to stand on the podium and to realize that this is the fruit of many years of labour, and a gracious gift encouraging me to keep moving forward.
You know, I just had a thought, I was inclined to write that this result puts me on the map, and I almost thought, it makes me somebody in the rowing world. In many ways this is true, but before I could even get to that thought, I smiled and thought, how blessed are we, knowing that we are somebody no matter if we stand on a podium, have our names in the news, or spend our days at home taking care of family. We are precious and most important to our Creator; pure love.
I think I could go on about firsts but the last and probably most challenging was my first race without probably my biggest fan; Mom. Somehow traveling and racing was different knowing that she was not sitting at the computer trying to figure out results, or watching races from home. Often my first response after racing is to contact my mom because I know no matter the result she is excited, embarrassingly so, about the efforts and results. I am glad my mom never stopped being excited about the little things, despite how we (my siblings) and I teased her about the ear to ear grins, squeals of delight and just overall over joyous celebration. I now realize how much I needed that and how good it felt to know she was proud. And that is just it, I know she would be proud of me and what I have accomplished in the last few months. I would love her to be with me but I respect and honour the fact that God decided it was time for her to come home and He always has the best plan.
I want everyone to know including my husband, dad and siblings that I appreciate greatly your support and cheerleading. I am so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to keep me moving forward and seeing the greater picture. No one can replace my mom but everyone does a wonderful job of making me feel loved.
Firsts are sometimes scary, and sometimes they are exciting. I often think of this time in my life, post mom's passing as starting a new phase. I don't know exactly what it is but life is different now, and I am changing and working to balance, shuffle and embrace that. I hope that I can continue to please God in all I do and that He will direct my paths. Please keep praying for health, God's Will to be known and perseverance to finish the race God has set out for me to complete.
Here is to new Beginnings and Firsts of many things in the future.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
A trip Down Under
Since mom passed away I have neglected to stay on top of blogging. To say I had no desire is an understatement, I just needed time.
Over the last month or so I have thought about posting but have not taken the time to do so. That changed this morning when I got a message from a friend and cheerleader reminding me kindly that she reads my blog and that she would continue to do so. I think I was getting a little nudge to say, "it is time", and I know she was right.
So here we are back in business and on the road. I cannot fill you in completely on the last few months, but fortunately nothing more than hard training and a great training camp has happened. Did I mention that I was selected for the World Cup 1 team for both the 4x (quad) and 8+? Well, I was and you now read a post written Down Under!
After 24 hrs of travel our team of about 13 plus 1 coach arrivedin Australia, specifically our training course in Tasmania. And in less than 10 days we depart for Penerith, the home of the Sydney Olympic rowing course to race World Cup 1.
The weather is pretty hot, and it would seem that the Aussies handle this heat better than we, as our AC consists of a fan and what looks like a dehumidifier which as we were told yesterday will blow cooler air if you add ice; I am not convinced. Rows are sweaty and hot but beauitiful and the people are easy to get along with.
Our coach who is from the Launceston (the city we are in), took us on our first running adventure yesterday to find wallabies. We laughed at him when he arrived in Canada and got excited at his first sight of a racoon; I think he got his payback. We look forward to other sightings of Aussie wildlife and hope it does not also involve a trip to the hospital (just about everything is poinsonous or deadly).
We are all adjusting to the trip around the world, and as we sit on day 4 our coach is bracing for the moody, tearfilled rows that could ensue as we make the final adjustment in time. Fortunately we are all pretty self aware and make efforts to stay out of each others way during this time haha.
As far as my own personal journey, I am feeling more like myself. Time does heal in many ways, but acceptance also. I miss my mom and on a trip like this it is hard not to be emotional at times knowing how proud she would be. I know I have a lot of support and cheerleaders around the country but there is nothing quite like a mom's support.
I am still making changes as I need to in order to gain speed, but patience is the name of the game and I am doing what I can to stay in it. God still provides me with the strength I need, the support and friendships that get me through, even when I am not always the best in return. Matt, continues to be patient and supportive as I pursue this dream, something I continue to be grateful for every day.
As my mom wrote multiple times in one of her journals; "The heart of the King is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water, he turns it wherever he wishes" Proverbs 21:1
Over the last month or so I have thought about posting but have not taken the time to do so. That changed this morning when I got a message from a friend and cheerleader reminding me kindly that she reads my blog and that she would continue to do so. I think I was getting a little nudge to say, "it is time", and I know she was right.
So here we are back in business and on the road. I cannot fill you in completely on the last few months, but fortunately nothing more than hard training and a great training camp has happened. Did I mention that I was selected for the World Cup 1 team for both the 4x (quad) and 8+? Well, I was and you now read a post written Down Under!
After 24 hrs of travel our team of about 13 plus 1 coach arrivedin Australia, specifically our training course in Tasmania. And in less than 10 days we depart for Penerith, the home of the Sydney Olympic rowing course to race World Cup 1.
The weather is pretty hot, and it would seem that the Aussies handle this heat better than we, as our AC consists of a fan and what looks like a dehumidifier which as we were told yesterday will blow cooler air if you add ice; I am not convinced. Rows are sweaty and hot but beauitiful and the people are easy to get along with.
Our coach who is from the Launceston (the city we are in), took us on our first running adventure yesterday to find wallabies. We laughed at him when he arrived in Canada and got excited at his first sight of a racoon; I think he got his payback. We look forward to other sightings of Aussie wildlife and hope it does not also involve a trip to the hospital (just about everything is poinsonous or deadly).
We are all adjusting to the trip around the world, and as we sit on day 4 our coach is bracing for the moody, tearfilled rows that could ensue as we make the final adjustment in time. Fortunately we are all pretty self aware and make efforts to stay out of each others way during this time haha.
As far as my own personal journey, I am feeling more like myself. Time does heal in many ways, but acceptance also. I miss my mom and on a trip like this it is hard not to be emotional at times knowing how proud she would be. I know I have a lot of support and cheerleaders around the country but there is nothing quite like a mom's support.
I am still making changes as I need to in order to gain speed, but patience is the name of the game and I am doing what I can to stay in it. God still provides me with the strength I need, the support and friendships that get me through, even when I am not always the best in return. Matt, continues to be patient and supportive as I pursue this dream, something I continue to be grateful for every day.
As my mom wrote multiple times in one of her journals; "The heart of the King is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water, he turns it wherever he wishes" Proverbs 21:1
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