I think I have probably lost my audience by now, but I will write on as I can for my own sake.
The trouble with training in a high performance center is that rarely do you ever feel like what you do is enough, exceptional, on target or many other things. I would say that when you are on top you might feel good for a bit but even then there is always a striving for more that takes the wind from your sails pretty quickly.
As I sit here I want to say how terrible I have felt the last few weeks, and honestly months. I don't have the confidence I once had, I cannot seem to keep my motivation going when things get painful because I "just don't care" (or so that is my thought) and I see myself at the bottom of the pool in the on land testing and cannot shake the discouragement despite the fact I KNOW the message I am getting from myself is not the truth of the whole picture.
I said I "want" to tell you how terrible things have felt but I guess I just did tell you. The other side of it is that even in the shady place I am in, I know that God is looking out for me and keeping me from jumping ship (on goals, rowing etc. Don't worry I am not on the deeply depressed train). The last few days I have noticed that I have let myself drift a bit and it is not that I don't want to be close with God these days, but for some reason despite my desire to be close, I cannot get past myself to let it happen. I took the first step and just opened my Bible last night, it happened to be to 2 Samuel since I had a tag in it, probably from a reading a while back. I think God was pleased to see me move in that direction, and today I did feel a bit of that gap in our relationship close. It takes work, not just trying.
Despite what I may be feeling or struggles I may be having, the team is moving forward, and at a rapid pace. Our first big race is World Cup 1 in Australia in the month of March. This means we have been preparing ourselves this fall on the water, and will take advantage of camps in the new year to get the water time needed for success in Australia. The team has not been selected and will not for a while, but my goal is to be on it in some capacity. I have many abilities which makes me a good candidate for the trip but at the same time there are many alike.
Today was our last day of training before Christmas, and despite icy waters we had some success today with workouts on the erg prior to a team BBQ. It was a good day with the team, and I am going to miss having that training environment over Christmas, although I will enjoy family time with my husband and dogs as well as my siblings and their families. Oh did I mention I am getting Lasik surgery done next week? I am really excited to not have to travel with glasses, contacts and all the associated supplies. Prayer for success and quick healing is always welcomed!
Thanks for keeping me in your prayer. I hope you all have a wonderful Advent season!
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
The End is where we Begin
I have heard it said that one of the hardest things after you lose someone is going back to work. I would have to agree.
A little over a week ago I lost my Mom. She was only 63 and my biggest supporter. I was only gone from the training environment for a little over a week but when it came closer to returning to the training center I started to feel sick, and nervous about the whole thing. The rational side of me could not understand why I should feel such a way especially since I wanted to be training to keep my mind occupied and my eyes dry but the other side started to analyze and figure out what the root of the feelings were. Here is what I came up with;
1. The Pity Eyes- I hate being the center of attention (great for sport eh) and I dislike even more feeling like people are treating me softly because they are afraid of my fragility or that I need some space. I appreciate the sentiment but I want to be treated like everyone else, especially in the training environment where every day counts. In this I also realize that the coach understands things differently but I don't want to read on their face that I am being given a little extra room to breathe.
2. The Spontaneous Waterworks- I do my best to keep my emotions under the radar. It works in my favour a lot in sport especially when having to work with team mates with roller coaster personalities. They don't bug me so much and I can level them out. However, since my mom passed I cannot seem to control the tears. Sobbing I seem to have under control now, but I can't lie, the ugly cry still happens every so often, and I fear it will continue for a while. It just makes it worse when you know people are going to ask how you are doing or worse they are talking about something completely unrelated reminding me of my mom sending me into the breath holding to suppress the inevitable tears. I would rather avoid these situations.
3. Leaving the Nest.... Again- In the short time I had home to celebrate my mom's life (which I will continue to celebrate every day of mine) I spent every day with my siblings and dad just going through things, hanging out, eating... more eating... playing with the kiddos etc and all without my mom. It is kind of like our family has pressed a "reset" button and we are learning to do it all again. My support network has changed a bit and it was hard to fathom leaving it again. Just like leaving for college.
4. Life Without - The number one reason I think I had such a sense of fear in returning here is that I am without my #1 fan. I know she is with me in many ways, but life from here on out will be different. I won't have my mom sending me emails with an encouraging verse or quote, or phone calls to just talk about whatever is going on. There will be no more hope of a gentle warm hug upon arriving home or the silly gifts she would give on occasion. Life is different, and training is different without her.
In all this discovery I had to make decisions as to how I was going to cope. I make it sound like I thought very structurally about it all, but it has been a smattering of thoughts and feelings in the last week or so since returning to my training home. One of the first things I had to remember was to take care of my health. It is not uncommon after stressful situations (my life has been upside down for months now and also had Canadian Nationals just before my mom passed) to get sick. And since most of my team mates seem to be sick with something I realized even before I left for the funeral etc that I had to step up my nutrition game. I made a point to eat as well as I could even when i did not feel up to it, and keep my Ultragen recovery regime post workouts. I also took care to sleep when possible and to not stress over how much training I was missing.
The other big thing I have been working on is to not make any big decisions and to not allow the loss of a parent to translate into, "I cannot do this anymore without her". I think it is easy for anyone who suffers deep loss whether it be a person, animal or even sport to make hasty decisions that may be regretted later. Lately I have felt semi apathetic. I don't have the same little edge that I did before that pushed me to add the extra kilo on squats or push the extra bit to get ahead on the water. I have moments and I believe it will return, but that is the key, you have to trust in your past and potential. It did not change overnight, the circumstance just did.
So as I proceed with training, I do my best to be patient with myself and give myself time to adjust to this new life/circumstance. I know my mom would be proud to see me move forward.
As it turns out the return was relatively painless (despite entering back during a high intensity week), and instead of being overwhelmed I have been pretty stress free. I have managed to stay away from illness and get to every workout with decent energy. I would love to say it was just that I have a strong immune system or that I am tough as nails but I think it comes down to being in tune with your body and taking the time to think through things with your heart and your head. Things will come back, and life will move forward, just maybe a little differently than originally planned.
A little over a week ago I lost my Mom. She was only 63 and my biggest supporter. I was only gone from the training environment for a little over a week but when it came closer to returning to the training center I started to feel sick, and nervous about the whole thing. The rational side of me could not understand why I should feel such a way especially since I wanted to be training to keep my mind occupied and my eyes dry but the other side started to analyze and figure out what the root of the feelings were. Here is what I came up with;
1. The Pity Eyes- I hate being the center of attention (great for sport eh) and I dislike even more feeling like people are treating me softly because they are afraid of my fragility or that I need some space. I appreciate the sentiment but I want to be treated like everyone else, especially in the training environment where every day counts. In this I also realize that the coach understands things differently but I don't want to read on their face that I am being given a little extra room to breathe.
2. The Spontaneous Waterworks- I do my best to keep my emotions under the radar. It works in my favour a lot in sport especially when having to work with team mates with roller coaster personalities. They don't bug me so much and I can level them out. However, since my mom passed I cannot seem to control the tears. Sobbing I seem to have under control now, but I can't lie, the ugly cry still happens every so often, and I fear it will continue for a while. It just makes it worse when you know people are going to ask how you are doing or worse they are talking about something completely unrelated reminding me of my mom sending me into the breath holding to suppress the inevitable tears. I would rather avoid these situations.
3. Leaving the Nest.... Again- In the short time I had home to celebrate my mom's life (which I will continue to celebrate every day of mine) I spent every day with my siblings and dad just going through things, hanging out, eating... more eating... playing with the kiddos etc and all without my mom. It is kind of like our family has pressed a "reset" button and we are learning to do it all again. My support network has changed a bit and it was hard to fathom leaving it again. Just like leaving for college.
4. Life Without - The number one reason I think I had such a sense of fear in returning here is that I am without my #1 fan. I know she is with me in many ways, but life from here on out will be different. I won't have my mom sending me emails with an encouraging verse or quote, or phone calls to just talk about whatever is going on. There will be no more hope of a gentle warm hug upon arriving home or the silly gifts she would give on occasion. Life is different, and training is different without her.
In all this discovery I had to make decisions as to how I was going to cope. I make it sound like I thought very structurally about it all, but it has been a smattering of thoughts and feelings in the last week or so since returning to my training home. One of the first things I had to remember was to take care of my health. It is not uncommon after stressful situations (my life has been upside down for months now and also had Canadian Nationals just before my mom passed) to get sick. And since most of my team mates seem to be sick with something I realized even before I left for the funeral etc that I had to step up my nutrition game. I made a point to eat as well as I could even when i did not feel up to it, and keep my Ultragen recovery regime post workouts. I also took care to sleep when possible and to not stress over how much training I was missing.
The other big thing I have been working on is to not make any big decisions and to not allow the loss of a parent to translate into, "I cannot do this anymore without her". I think it is easy for anyone who suffers deep loss whether it be a person, animal or even sport to make hasty decisions that may be regretted later. Lately I have felt semi apathetic. I don't have the same little edge that I did before that pushed me to add the extra kilo on squats or push the extra bit to get ahead on the water. I have moments and I believe it will return, but that is the key, you have to trust in your past and potential. It did not change overnight, the circumstance just did.
So as I proceed with training, I do my best to be patient with myself and give myself time to adjust to this new life/circumstance. I know my mom would be proud to see me move forward.
As it turns out the return was relatively painless (despite entering back during a high intensity week), and instead of being overwhelmed I have been pretty stress free. I have managed to stay away from illness and get to every workout with decent energy. I would love to say it was just that I have a strong immune system or that I am tough as nails but I think it comes down to being in tune with your body and taking the time to think through things with your heart and your head. Things will come back, and life will move forward, just maybe a little differently than originally planned.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
"But, I don't want to"
Somehow the post title seemed right. I am posting but I really don't feel like it. It is not that I am feeling lazy exactly but I just don't want to. I guess it has a bit to do with the fact that if I post I will inevitably write the following, I am tired, I am overly emotional these days and I don't really want to face potential reasons for any of them.
A few contributing factors:
- Low in Vit D (this is actually true the doctor asked if I had spent any time in the sun this summer...)
- Hard training paired with RADAR testing that is just going wonderfully (catch the sarcasm).
- Mom's health and the frustration of her care and the fatigue I get when I think of how she must feel.
- Being away from my husband and 2 dogs.
Some of these seem kinda silly maybe and I am trying to let God take my worries, and sometimes I am able but other times I have a hard time opening my hands all the way, I THINK I am but how I feel tells me otherwise.
There are times I am angry. Other times I am just sad and just want to cry even when I have no idea why. I have so much support but at the same time feel lost in everything.
I have tried to talk to God but something always stands in my way from fully hearing and feeling Him. Another odd comment and I realize that I am probably the only one who can remove that barrier but I think that I am afraid of what the barrier is; anger. When I think about it I am not exactly angry at God but at the same time it is the only word I can pare it all down to. He has done immeasurably more for me and continues to take care of my family and somehow I still feel it ok to be angry? Maybe I need to sit at His feet again and just sit, maybe cry or yell or all the above. All I know is that whatever is eating my heart needs to go.
There is another part of me that wonders if all of this is just fatigue mixed with hormones and a rough training week and that next week my eyes will be opened again and heart lifted. Part of me really hopes that is true but I think it will only be a temporary fix.
So, how is that for depressing? I like that I can write here and know that maybe one or no one will read but it does allow me to say what I feel without any glaring repercussions. I appreciate the sounding board and more than invite feedback or stories of your struggles. We are in this together, the whole Christian walk so maybe that is what this blog post is about, walking through the mud together when there is fog all around. Together we can trudge through it and find the clarity we seek.
A few contributing factors:
- Low in Vit D (this is actually true the doctor asked if I had spent any time in the sun this summer...)
- Hard training paired with RADAR testing that is just going wonderfully (catch the sarcasm).
- Mom's health and the frustration of her care and the fatigue I get when I think of how she must feel.
- Being away from my husband and 2 dogs.
Some of these seem kinda silly maybe and I am trying to let God take my worries, and sometimes I am able but other times I have a hard time opening my hands all the way, I THINK I am but how I feel tells me otherwise.
There are times I am angry. Other times I am just sad and just want to cry even when I have no idea why. I have so much support but at the same time feel lost in everything.
I have tried to talk to God but something always stands in my way from fully hearing and feeling Him. Another odd comment and I realize that I am probably the only one who can remove that barrier but I think that I am afraid of what the barrier is; anger. When I think about it I am not exactly angry at God but at the same time it is the only word I can pare it all down to. He has done immeasurably more for me and continues to take care of my family and somehow I still feel it ok to be angry? Maybe I need to sit at His feet again and just sit, maybe cry or yell or all the above. All I know is that whatever is eating my heart needs to go.
There is another part of me that wonders if all of this is just fatigue mixed with hormones and a rough training week and that next week my eyes will be opened again and heart lifted. Part of me really hopes that is true but I think it will only be a temporary fix.
So, how is that for depressing? I like that I can write here and know that maybe one or no one will read but it does allow me to say what I feel without any glaring repercussions. I appreciate the sounding board and more than invite feedback or stories of your struggles. We are in this together, the whole Christian walk so maybe that is what this blog post is about, walking through the mud together when there is fog all around. Together we can trudge through it and find the clarity we seek.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Back at it
Ok, Ok, so I am a little off track for my weekly updates. My excuse; travel, family and getting back into the swing of training.
I finished up my time at home in OR a couple of weeks ago and spent some time with my family at my childhood home. As I mentioned in a previous post my mom had surgery and is now in a rehab hospital to regain what she can of her walking and general function for daily use. It is a slow process but she is making progress daily. It is so hard to see her struggle, and in some ways harder to see my dad struggle with his emotions and feeling about the whole ordeal. He has a whole new responsibility and I think he wonders how he is to succeed. I know he will be just fine, and he would be even better if he just let God take over of all the past, present and the future. I know he wants to but I think he believes he is not worthy of it (who is? But God WANTS to give us freedom from worry). Anyhoo, I won't talk more about that. I have to daily give my concerns and worry to God so dad is certainly not alone.
One great improvement was having my mom at a family wedding reception for a few hours. She looked great, like herself and besides getting pretty worn out she enjoyed herself and recovered well.
So what next? Well, I am back in the training environment after having trained alone in OR for the past few months. It is a whole different atmosphere now that the new quadrennial has begun. Many of the Olympic women have moved on, and some others are either taking a breather, or finishing school. I have realized even in the first few days of being back that I have to set some goals. The past year or so was pretty simple; make it to the Olympics. Now that we are past that I have to start with the next Olympics as my end goal but there are 4 years prior to cover and in those I need good solid goals for each year, and even throughout each year. I am already working on eating better, which is easier when I cook for myself and it is only me. Somehow I reason bad choices when at home. And my next two rowing goals are Head of the Charles in Boston in which I will be racing the Championship 2x with my partner from World Championships in 2011, and of course there is Canadian Rowing Championships in November where I race the 1x again to defend my title. These are not easy tasks but I will train hard and work to be the best I can be and leave the rest to God to pan out.
If I can ask for prayer yet again please pray;
- for a better sense of my limits as to prevent injury
- healing of current muscle problem in the rib/shoulder area
- My mom of course and her local support system, namely my dad and sister.
- Courage and a listening ear to Christ as I continue on my rowing journey. I want to do the right things and I don't want to waste time on the wrong things.
- My incredibly understanding husband.
I finished up my time at home in OR a couple of weeks ago and spent some time with my family at my childhood home. As I mentioned in a previous post my mom had surgery and is now in a rehab hospital to regain what she can of her walking and general function for daily use. It is a slow process but she is making progress daily. It is so hard to see her struggle, and in some ways harder to see my dad struggle with his emotions and feeling about the whole ordeal. He has a whole new responsibility and I think he wonders how he is to succeed. I know he will be just fine, and he would be even better if he just let God take over of all the past, present and the future. I know he wants to but I think he believes he is not worthy of it (who is? But God WANTS to give us freedom from worry). Anyhoo, I won't talk more about that. I have to daily give my concerns and worry to God so dad is certainly not alone.
One great improvement was having my mom at a family wedding reception for a few hours. She looked great, like herself and besides getting pretty worn out she enjoyed herself and recovered well.
So what next? Well, I am back in the training environment after having trained alone in OR for the past few months. It is a whole different atmosphere now that the new quadrennial has begun. Many of the Olympic women have moved on, and some others are either taking a breather, or finishing school. I have realized even in the first few days of being back that I have to set some goals. The past year or so was pretty simple; make it to the Olympics. Now that we are past that I have to start with the next Olympics as my end goal but there are 4 years prior to cover and in those I need good solid goals for each year, and even throughout each year. I am already working on eating better, which is easier when I cook for myself and it is only me. Somehow I reason bad choices when at home. And my next two rowing goals are Head of the Charles in Boston in which I will be racing the Championship 2x with my partner from World Championships in 2011, and of course there is Canadian Rowing Championships in November where I race the 1x again to defend my title. These are not easy tasks but I will train hard and work to be the best I can be and leave the rest to God to pan out.
If I can ask for prayer yet again please pray;
- for a better sense of my limits as to prevent injury
- healing of current muscle problem in the rib/shoulder area
- My mom of course and her local support system, namely my dad and sister.
- Courage and a listening ear to Christ as I continue on my rowing journey. I want to do the right things and I don't want to waste time on the wrong things.
- My incredibly understanding husband.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Faith that moves Mountains
After my last post I realized, I was quite non-commital in my desire to be healthier. The funny thing is, almost immediately I started to cut the "extras" and eat with veggies on the mind. I cannot say I followed that all week but overall this week has been an improvement from the last. Along with this my hours of training have gone up a bit and I have been more committed to getting ever last minute out of my workouts. This week I will aim to step up the intensity slightly on selected workouts as to stretch my heart rate limits. I return home to Ontario in a week and that is where I will begin to be more serious about my food choices and start posting more on this blog to keep myself accountable!
On other and more important news, my mom is doing well and on her way to recovery. As I was laying in bed the other night writing in my mental gratitude journal I thanked Jesus for his healing hands on my mom and in that moment I saw clearly how our attitude toward prayer and Christ's healing power plays a major part in our ability to see the outcome of his Grace.
Let me explain. I have heard before that we can ask God for anything and He will answer, and I believe that. I also have heard that we need to pray for the right thing (seems kind of vague doesn't it). I have also learned how to do this, and sometimes by trial and error. But what I have been thinking on lately, even before my mom had more difficulties is that we need to pray, in my words, without looking back. That is we need to pray and BELIEVE that God is able to do what it is we are asking. Once we ask we need to let it go and trust it to God. Yes we should continue to pray that He do His will and that he heal, but not because we think He did not hear us the first time.
I found an article written by Roderick Meredith, that talks about prayer in 12 "keys". It does a pretty good job of laying out the whole picture of prayer as I have started to learn it (article: 12 Keys to Answered Prayer). In the latest with my mom I struggled for at least a week, worrying and trying to give it over to Jesus to deal with but was not successful. I am not sure exactly what happened to change this but one day I decided that I had not been praying with faith. I know God is capable but I did not pray that way. It was almost like clamoring up a hill with loose rock just trying to reach the top instead of taking the rope that had been dropped right next to me. When I decided to take whole of that rope it was amazing the relief and it was astounding how things improved. I do not think that my prayer is the only one that God listens to, especially when I know people across the world have been praying for our family (and thank you we are a blessed family) but one chink in the armor can cause it to fail right?
This got me to thinking about miracles. I wonder if more miracles would happen today if we believed better and had faith that made people turn their heads, faith to move mountains perhaps?
My mom is doing very well, and has moved now to a rehabilitation hospital where she is learning to work with her new hip. It looks like she has about 6 weeks until she can return home! I am excited to see her and talk to her about her progress. God will continue to bless her and mend her body, and I have faith that her lungs will be healed also.
Wow, I started this post today thinking I had little to say but here I am with even more thoughts to share. To close out I want to say how proud I am of my mom. I don't know what it was but at some point during her time of crisis she made a decision that she was not done with fighting with her body. She is an amazingly strong woman in faith and fight. It was after this decision that I started to see big changes in her progress, both mentally and physically, and to God we must be grateful for giving her that character. I don't get my ability to push myself in sport from nowhere. My dad has lots of athletic talent, but my mom holds some personality traits that also come into play and I am proud to share those with her. And on the topic of family, my sister has also shown the same fight and persistence in life in her battle with weight loss. She is doing such an amazing job despite a lifetime of disliking sport she has found a love and desire to make a change. I am so incredibly proud of her and I am realizing as I type that God might be teaching me something through both of them
Both of these women in my life are great examples of surrendering fear, failures, worry and a host of other things for the grace of God and his great plan for life. I am learning more from them every day.
As I approach the start of a new training cycle I am tentative, I am scared and I find myself trying to create "plan B, C" etc, but guess what God has told me time and again that the only plan is His plan and I should simply go with that. So, day by day I walk toward an end I am not sure, but in the end I can be sure that God's true Will is there.
On other and more important news, my mom is doing well and on her way to recovery. As I was laying in bed the other night writing in my mental gratitude journal I thanked Jesus for his healing hands on my mom and in that moment I saw clearly how our attitude toward prayer and Christ's healing power plays a major part in our ability to see the outcome of his Grace.
Let me explain. I have heard before that we can ask God for anything and He will answer, and I believe that. I also have heard that we need to pray for the right thing (seems kind of vague doesn't it). I have also learned how to do this, and sometimes by trial and error. But what I have been thinking on lately, even before my mom had more difficulties is that we need to pray, in my words, without looking back. That is we need to pray and BELIEVE that God is able to do what it is we are asking. Once we ask we need to let it go and trust it to God. Yes we should continue to pray that He do His will and that he heal, but not because we think He did not hear us the first time.
I found an article written by Roderick Meredith, that talks about prayer in 12 "keys". It does a pretty good job of laying out the whole picture of prayer as I have started to learn it (article: 12 Keys to Answered Prayer). In the latest with my mom I struggled for at least a week, worrying and trying to give it over to Jesus to deal with but was not successful. I am not sure exactly what happened to change this but one day I decided that I had not been praying with faith. I know God is capable but I did not pray that way. It was almost like clamoring up a hill with loose rock just trying to reach the top instead of taking the rope that had been dropped right next to me. When I decided to take whole of that rope it was amazing the relief and it was astounding how things improved. I do not think that my prayer is the only one that God listens to, especially when I know people across the world have been praying for our family (and thank you we are a blessed family) but one chink in the armor can cause it to fail right?
This got me to thinking about miracles. I wonder if more miracles would happen today if we believed better and had faith that made people turn their heads, faith to move mountains perhaps?
My mom is doing very well, and has moved now to a rehabilitation hospital where she is learning to work with her new hip. It looks like she has about 6 weeks until she can return home! I am excited to see her and talk to her about her progress. God will continue to bless her and mend her body, and I have faith that her lungs will be healed also.
Wow, I started this post today thinking I had little to say but here I am with even more thoughts to share. To close out I want to say how proud I am of my mom. I don't know what it was but at some point during her time of crisis she made a decision that she was not done with fighting with her body. She is an amazingly strong woman in faith and fight. It was after this decision that I started to see big changes in her progress, both mentally and physically, and to God we must be grateful for giving her that character. I don't get my ability to push myself in sport from nowhere. My dad has lots of athletic talent, but my mom holds some personality traits that also come into play and I am proud to share those with her. And on the topic of family, my sister has also shown the same fight and persistence in life in her battle with weight loss. She is doing such an amazing job despite a lifetime of disliking sport she has found a love and desire to make a change. I am so incredibly proud of her and I am realizing as I type that God might be teaching me something through both of them
Both of these women in my life are great examples of surrendering fear, failures, worry and a host of other things for the grace of God and his great plan for life. I am learning more from them every day.
As I approach the start of a new training cycle I am tentative, I am scared and I find myself trying to create "plan B, C" etc, but guess what God has told me time and again that the only plan is His plan and I should simply go with that. So, day by day I walk toward an end I am not sure, but in the end I can be sure that God's true Will is there.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
A New Day and a healthier me
Finally finished. This testing week has gone on long enough and I finally completed testing Saturday with a personal best for the 2 km piece. I was on my own as my husband went camping with his brothers but I managed to pull out a good test with a little (lot) Jesus on my side :)
The testing overall was not great and I have a long way to go to reach the points I need for increased funding, but I have no choice, and have decided to let God figure that one out. I probably could have done better if I had decided that before testing began but I was holding so tightly to it and trying to control it that I missed that boat. I don't know what the plan is but I am going to go back to basics; Just work hard and be smart, seems simple enough!
Now that a new training season has begun (when did the last one end?) I have a new goal. I am having a hard time typing it because as soon as this posts I am then committed to something I am not sure I want completely...
In the last month or so I have struggled with seeing my body as being fit for a National team. Sure I am getting stronger and making some gains but I also see a lot of extra stuff that can hold me back. Every little pound counts and although I don't feel I am overweight, I am not my HEALTHIEST. This is more what I am concerned about, eating healthy to give my body the right fuel to do its best. If I eat right the rest will follow.
I think some of my realization also came around during the Olympics when I watched several athletes talk about their journey and see where they were at. And even more so there was an add for something (not a great AD since I cannot remember what it was for) featuring athletes saying things like "I have not had dessert in over a year". Matt was sitting nearby when I was like "Ya right!" "There is no way an athlete does not eat dessert, unless you are a lightweight, or gymnast." Matt immediately responded, "A lot of athletes don't eat junk, I think you guys [rowers] are a little different". Matt has spent much of his time in running, triathlon and cycling, and I do not doubt the lack of sweets in that diet but it still seems impossible to cut it all out! After thinking upon it I started to feel a little frustrated and annoyed at myself for not having better self control. If it is nearby I HAVE to eat it (or rather it feels that way), just as my sister, I am always raiding their sweets stash. It is a constant battle and although I know some of it is unwarranted pressure on myself, I do see the value in being healthy and saying no to my cravings. I know how to eat better, I have done it before, it just takes time and BIG time self control.
So what is my goal you ask? To become a healthier, leaner me that I can be happy with. I don't want to wonder if I could have done something better if I had just avoided the ice cream.
My younger sister has recently started her journey to a better more healthy self, along with her husband. They are doing great and so I hope that maybe she and I can work together on this along with all of you!
The Game Plan:
- My first week will be a "detox" week. Don't worry I am not into the weird and unhealthy cabbage detox or anything. My method is guided a little by a book I read a while back and means eating unlimited veggies (non starch), protein, and limited wheat and grains such as bread. There is no room for sugar of any kind outside of limited fruit, even gum is out. My allotment of these will be greater than some because of my exercise regime but the basic principles remain. Oh I will have some sugar as my recovery drink has some simple sugar so that is hard to avoid.
- In order to help stay on track I am going to be writing out everything that I put in my mouth including vitamins and medications.
- I hope to post at least one example a week of my day, exercise, food and perhaps even some recipes. This way I have support and I am accountable to my food choices.
I am not sure exactly when I am going to start this. I should start today but I don't know that I am ready. Sometimes it is good to just do it, no time like the present, however, because of the place I am in right now I think it is best to wait a bit longer. I will let you know when I begin. I challenge you to take up the same kind of healthy regime, post your goals and progress in the comments of my posts. I am here for you as much as you have been here for me!
The testing overall was not great and I have a long way to go to reach the points I need for increased funding, but I have no choice, and have decided to let God figure that one out. I probably could have done better if I had decided that before testing began but I was holding so tightly to it and trying to control it that I missed that boat. I don't know what the plan is but I am going to go back to basics; Just work hard and be smart, seems simple enough!
Now that a new training season has begun (when did the last one end?) I have a new goal. I am having a hard time typing it because as soon as this posts I am then committed to something I am not sure I want completely...
In the last month or so I have struggled with seeing my body as being fit for a National team. Sure I am getting stronger and making some gains but I also see a lot of extra stuff that can hold me back. Every little pound counts and although I don't feel I am overweight, I am not my HEALTHIEST. This is more what I am concerned about, eating healthy to give my body the right fuel to do its best. If I eat right the rest will follow.
I think some of my realization also came around during the Olympics when I watched several athletes talk about their journey and see where they were at. And even more so there was an add for something (not a great AD since I cannot remember what it was for) featuring athletes saying things like "I have not had dessert in over a year". Matt was sitting nearby when I was like "Ya right!" "There is no way an athlete does not eat dessert, unless you are a lightweight, or gymnast." Matt immediately responded, "A lot of athletes don't eat junk, I think you guys [rowers] are a little different". Matt has spent much of his time in running, triathlon and cycling, and I do not doubt the lack of sweets in that diet but it still seems impossible to cut it all out! After thinking upon it I started to feel a little frustrated and annoyed at myself for not having better self control. If it is nearby I HAVE to eat it (or rather it feels that way), just as my sister, I am always raiding their sweets stash. It is a constant battle and although I know some of it is unwarranted pressure on myself, I do see the value in being healthy and saying no to my cravings. I know how to eat better, I have done it before, it just takes time and BIG time self control.
So what is my goal you ask? To become a healthier, leaner me that I can be happy with. I don't want to wonder if I could have done something better if I had just avoided the ice cream.
My younger sister has recently started her journey to a better more healthy self, along with her husband. They are doing great and so I hope that maybe she and I can work together on this along with all of you!
The Game Plan:
- My first week will be a "detox" week. Don't worry I am not into the weird and unhealthy cabbage detox or anything. My method is guided a little by a book I read a while back and means eating unlimited veggies (non starch), protein, and limited wheat and grains such as bread. There is no room for sugar of any kind outside of limited fruit, even gum is out. My allotment of these will be greater than some because of my exercise regime but the basic principles remain. Oh I will have some sugar as my recovery drink has some simple sugar so that is hard to avoid.
- In order to help stay on track I am going to be writing out everything that I put in my mouth including vitamins and medications.
- I hope to post at least one example a week of my day, exercise, food and perhaps even some recipes. This way I have support and I am accountable to my food choices.
I am not sure exactly when I am going to start this. I should start today but I don't know that I am ready. Sometimes it is good to just do it, no time like the present, however, because of the place I am in right now I think it is best to wait a bit longer. I will let you know when I begin. I challenge you to take up the same kind of healthy regime, post your goals and progress in the comments of my posts. I am here for you as much as you have been here for me!
Thursday, August 30, 2012
My hope is found in Christ alone
How long has it been? 1 month? Two? Whatever it is, I know I have probably lost any following with my inconsistency. That said, Matt, my husband has challenged me to write once a week, even if you write a few sentences. In my pursuit to increase my "media" presence over the next couple of years (granted all goes well with rowing) updating this more regularly may help me find more financial support or support with gear, and nutritional supplementation. I enjoy writing here, but often find it hard to think of something "worth" talking about, but I have to remind myself that life is not always eloquent or well thought out despite what we may sometimes think. Writing that I ate some good stuffed peppers for dinner, and that I can't wait until this week is over might just be interesting to someone.
So, what is new? As you can imagine there have been a lot of decisions my husband and I have made involving our future. With rowing turning out the way it did it was hard to walk away feeling like I had done all I could do. I may be holding onto something that is not realistic, but in making the decisions I felt like it was not over yet. That said, right now, during the heat of testing I think about packing it up and moving home (to Oregon). However, I know not to make decisions on a high or low as you tend to be swayed by emotion. The plan is to stick with it and take the next 4 years one at a time moving toward the 2016 Rio Olympics.
Speaking of the Olympics. Can I say that it was one of the hardest years to watch! The coverage was not really great with too much focus on only a handful of sports but my real issue was with being both excited for my team mates, and disappointed and frustrated, maybe even angry that I was not there. I don't know that I should have been there but it has been a tough cookie to swallow. I did get up in the wee hours to watch our women row an amazing race to silver, but the days leading to that were tough in my own workouts and still can be challenging, especially while on my own in OR until I return to the center in September.
This week we have our RADAR testing. For those who don't know it is the series of tests that help identify athletes from the intro level to the top elite. Each test gets designated points and certain levels give you certain financial benefits (or rather give you the opportunity). I have put a lot of pressure on myself to meet the next tier of financial aid, so that I am able to contribute more to our family budget as I tend to suck from it more than give. I know I am capable of what the tests require, however, it requires me to be on my game every test. I started the tests on Monday and had 2 successes and 2 not so great tests. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take it a test at a time, that God has it in his hands and that whether I get increased funding or not He will provide. Perhaps I would be better off as a high dependent. Tomorrow I have the 6 km test and Saturday will complete the testing with a 2 km piece all on the rowing machine. Usually there would also be a water component but because I am away I am forfeiting those points this round. These last two tests I have felt good about, but I have to keep my mind in the game, as lately that is what is failing faster than my body. When it hurts, I have to push through the wall.
The underlying problem in all of this is my lack of fervor for Christ as of late. I have not lost faith, or my love, but I feel lethargic. I can only guess that it is a quiet time, and with all the stress in life lately I am sure I really do need to just be still and quiet. Maybe I need to listen more for His voice and talk less.
With all I have said above, let me not forget to say I have much to be grateful and joyful about. My mom who has had more than her share of health drama in the last 5 years, has added another event to her list. After a fall on the back patio, she broke her hip and has had a hip replacement. Unfortunately for her, a hip replacement goes from being routine to being high risk due to her medications and health history. It was a little scary for a bit but the Lord prevailed and she came out of surgery with a new hip and with only a few days of concerning issues she leveled out and I have chatted with her on the phone a couple of times. I know my mom has been fighting for a while and I know she is tired but she finds her strength in Christ alone. I want her to continue to see value in her fight and I can only pray that God gives her more energy than she knows what to do with. A miracle is possible and I have faith that it is in motion.
God is good. I know this. God is powerful. God should be feared. And God is on my side or rather I am on His.
(Photo is of my youngest Maple doing what she does best, snuggling, after my erg session)
So, what is new? As you can imagine there have been a lot of decisions my husband and I have made involving our future. With rowing turning out the way it did it was hard to walk away feeling like I had done all I could do. I may be holding onto something that is not realistic, but in making the decisions I felt like it was not over yet. That said, right now, during the heat of testing I think about packing it up and moving home (to Oregon). However, I know not to make decisions on a high or low as you tend to be swayed by emotion. The plan is to stick with it and take the next 4 years one at a time moving toward the 2016 Rio Olympics.
Speaking of the Olympics. Can I say that it was one of the hardest years to watch! The coverage was not really great with too much focus on only a handful of sports but my real issue was with being both excited for my team mates, and disappointed and frustrated, maybe even angry that I was not there. I don't know that I should have been there but it has been a tough cookie to swallow. I did get up in the wee hours to watch our women row an amazing race to silver, but the days leading to that were tough in my own workouts and still can be challenging, especially while on my own in OR until I return to the center in September.
This week we have our RADAR testing. For those who don't know it is the series of tests that help identify athletes from the intro level to the top elite. Each test gets designated points and certain levels give you certain financial benefits (or rather give you the opportunity). I have put a lot of pressure on myself to meet the next tier of financial aid, so that I am able to contribute more to our family budget as I tend to suck from it more than give. I know I am capable of what the tests require, however, it requires me to be on my game every test. I started the tests on Monday and had 2 successes and 2 not so great tests. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take it a test at a time, that God has it in his hands and that whether I get increased funding or not He will provide. Perhaps I would be better off as a high dependent. Tomorrow I have the 6 km test and Saturday will complete the testing with a 2 km piece all on the rowing machine. Usually there would also be a water component but because I am away I am forfeiting those points this round. These last two tests I have felt good about, but I have to keep my mind in the game, as lately that is what is failing faster than my body. When it hurts, I have to push through the wall.
The underlying problem in all of this is my lack of fervor for Christ as of late. I have not lost faith, or my love, but I feel lethargic. I can only guess that it is a quiet time, and with all the stress in life lately I am sure I really do need to just be still and quiet. Maybe I need to listen more for His voice and talk less.
With all I have said above, let me not forget to say I have much to be grateful and joyful about. My mom who has had more than her share of health drama in the last 5 years, has added another event to her list. After a fall on the back patio, she broke her hip and has had a hip replacement. Unfortunately for her, a hip replacement goes from being routine to being high risk due to her medications and health history. It was a little scary for a bit but the Lord prevailed and she came out of surgery with a new hip and with only a few days of concerning issues she leveled out and I have chatted with her on the phone a couple of times. I know my mom has been fighting for a while and I know she is tired but she finds her strength in Christ alone. I want her to continue to see value in her fight and I can only pray that God gives her more energy than she knows what to do with. A miracle is possible and I have faith that it is in motion.
God is good. I know this. God is powerful. God should be feared. And God is on my side or rather I am on His.
(Photo is of my youngest Maple doing what she does best, snuggling, after my erg session)
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Victory is the Lord's
Whew! What a whirlwind few weeks!
If you have been following me at all through my family, facebook or wherever you know that I returned from Europe/UK last Monday after some amazing racing on Sunday to finish of the Royal Henley regatta! Since then I have been unpacking, repacking and visiting family and friends as well as reuniting with my very patient husband!
I realize I have no posted about my final race in Henley so here it goes!
Every evening after racing and before our next days race we meet together as a team for a meeting. It usually addresses our goals for the previous race and the execution of them, things to improve upon and other notable things. We then move onto the next days race where we discuss our goals for execution (usually 3 things), implementation of changes to race plan based on feedback of previous races and of course we briefly discuss our competition and possible course conditions.
I was pretty nervous but also excited about our race. We found out we were up against the German Olympic team which is a pretty neat opportunity, or so I thought and I won't lie, I am still out for blood to show myself, my rowing organization and the world that I AM world class and can even go from sculling to sweep in only a few months. I knew what we were capable of as a crew, and have never felt such a cohesive crew before. Little drama and lots of aggression. Our coach talks often about how we decide the outcome of a race long before the day of the race comes. It might be the night before or in my case when you start a training journey. What is important here is that if you don't decide before the even comes what happens is you are forced to decide in the heat of the moment, when things get tough and your brain is lacking the oxygen it needs to make the best decision. By deciding ahead you have already prepared your mind for those questions and will more easily be able to answer it with MORE instead of less. It is a good lesson for life, make the decision before you go out for dinner not to order fries but instead a salad, set your clothes out for a walk in the morning before getting in bed, or decide to make changes in your relationships, set out a clear plan before you go back to it.
To get back on topic, our post/pre meetings are to set us up for success and move us from one level on the ladder to the next.
Race day is always a fun day. I go between wanting to get over the nerves and the race to embracing every part of the day. If you are looking for success the latter is what you should always strive to do, but even the best athletes can tell you that sometimes you have to remind yourself to stay in the moment.
Our race was in the afternoon and so the morning was our usual pre-row followed by waiting... I am pretty sure we all were sick of waiting but again you find things to do, have a nap (albeit a short one), play some Words with Friends, surf the net, read etc before it is time to head down to the course.
The walk to the course was kind of fun. When you feel good about your training, and your abilities that walk is tall, confident and assured. And when you feel the presence of God with you, it is exciting. In typical fashion I had some chat with God on my walk and take a big breath where I think about breathing in His presence and Will and exhaling my own reservations, concerns and will.
On arrival to the course we typically put the boat down so our coach can wash it (while in his obligatory suit for riding in the umpire boat while we race) and then we sit, watch the hats walk by and on this day, the victories coming into the dock. It is a pretty neat scene. As we approach our launch time for on water warm up we do an erg, last minute bathroom breaks and bag check. After that it is hands on and on the water where we get our bodies more prepared for the impending pain.
The race was a euphoric one. At the start line I have learned that my best companion and bearer of all is Jesus. As funny as it sounds, He and I row hand in hand from stroke one. In this race we flew off the line and never looked back. As the pain settled in and the lactic acid started coursing through my body I was asked the question "how much more do you want? How much more can you take?" They are tough questions but every time they were asked I was able to answer "All of it!" and "MORE". A few time I even went as far as to put it back in God's court and say "If you (Jesus) were able to take the weight of the world, I think I am capable of a few minutes of physical pain", it is always possible with Him.
Our gap ahead of the German crew grew, not easily I might add but with determination and confidence, and at the end of the race we found ourselves to have tested our strength and will to the max.
I am blessed and I know that God is with me and with my husband on this journey. I don't always know why I am led to row and more so, be away from my husband but there is a plan. I believe that God is in everything we do, we just have to let Him SHINE! I am always at the brink of tears when I think of what joy I have in my sport and how blessed I am and all I can hope is that God is looking down with pleasure on what I do.
Our trip ended well, and I got home to Canada safely. Like I mentioned I am now with my husband visiting friends in Connecticut and we will head home to Oregon after some time with my family. I am excited about my summer, and excited to see what the rest of the year brings.
Thank you for constant prayer and love. Every uttered thought and word have been felt and answered.
Until next time!
If you have been following me at all through my family, facebook or wherever you know that I returned from Europe/UK last Monday after some amazing racing on Sunday to finish of the Royal Henley regatta! Since then I have been unpacking, repacking and visiting family and friends as well as reuniting with my very patient husband!
I realize I have no posted about my final race in Henley so here it goes!
Every evening after racing and before our next days race we meet together as a team for a meeting. It usually addresses our goals for the previous race and the execution of them, things to improve upon and other notable things. We then move onto the next days race where we discuss our goals for execution (usually 3 things), implementation of changes to race plan based on feedback of previous races and of course we briefly discuss our competition and possible course conditions.
I was pretty nervous but also excited about our race. We found out we were up against the German Olympic team which is a pretty neat opportunity, or so I thought and I won't lie, I am still out for blood to show myself, my rowing organization and the world that I AM world class and can even go from sculling to sweep in only a few months. I knew what we were capable of as a crew, and have never felt such a cohesive crew before. Little drama and lots of aggression. Our coach talks often about how we decide the outcome of a race long before the day of the race comes. It might be the night before or in my case when you start a training journey. What is important here is that if you don't decide before the even comes what happens is you are forced to decide in the heat of the moment, when things get tough and your brain is lacking the oxygen it needs to make the best decision. By deciding ahead you have already prepared your mind for those questions and will more easily be able to answer it with MORE instead of less. It is a good lesson for life, make the decision before you go out for dinner not to order fries but instead a salad, set your clothes out for a walk in the morning before getting in bed, or decide to make changes in your relationships, set out a clear plan before you go back to it.
To get back on topic, our post/pre meetings are to set us up for success and move us from one level on the ladder to the next.
Race day is always a fun day. I go between wanting to get over the nerves and the race to embracing every part of the day. If you are looking for success the latter is what you should always strive to do, but even the best athletes can tell you that sometimes you have to remind yourself to stay in the moment.
Our race was in the afternoon and so the morning was our usual pre-row followed by waiting... I am pretty sure we all were sick of waiting but again you find things to do, have a nap (albeit a short one), play some Words with Friends, surf the net, read etc before it is time to head down to the course.
The walk to the course was kind of fun. When you feel good about your training, and your abilities that walk is tall, confident and assured. And when you feel the presence of God with you, it is exciting. In typical fashion I had some chat with God on my walk and take a big breath where I think about breathing in His presence and Will and exhaling my own reservations, concerns and will.
On arrival to the course we typically put the boat down so our coach can wash it (while in his obligatory suit for riding in the umpire boat while we race) and then we sit, watch the hats walk by and on this day, the victories coming into the dock. It is a pretty neat scene. As we approach our launch time for on water warm up we do an erg, last minute bathroom breaks and bag check. After that it is hands on and on the water where we get our bodies more prepared for the impending pain.
The race was a euphoric one. At the start line I have learned that my best companion and bearer of all is Jesus. As funny as it sounds, He and I row hand in hand from stroke one. In this race we flew off the line and never looked back. As the pain settled in and the lactic acid started coursing through my body I was asked the question "how much more do you want? How much more can you take?" They are tough questions but every time they were asked I was able to answer "All of it!" and "MORE". A few time I even went as far as to put it back in God's court and say "If you (Jesus) were able to take the weight of the world, I think I am capable of a few minutes of physical pain", it is always possible with Him.
Our gap ahead of the German crew grew, not easily I might add but with determination and confidence, and at the end of the race we found ourselves to have tested our strength and will to the max.
I am blessed and I know that God is with me and with my husband on this journey. I don't always know why I am led to row and more so, be away from my husband but there is a plan. I believe that God is in everything we do, we just have to let Him SHINE! I am always at the brink of tears when I think of what joy I have in my sport and how blessed I am and all I can hope is that God is looking down with pleasure on what I do.
Our trip ended well, and I got home to Canada safely. Like I mentioned I am now with my husband visiting friends in Connecticut and we will head home to Oregon after some time with my family. I am excited about my summer, and excited to see what the rest of the year brings.
Thank you for constant prayer and love. Every uttered thought and word have been felt and answered.
Until next time!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Planned for God's Pleasure
It is no surprise that I have so much to write about and no way to get it all down cohesively. This is what I get for not updating earlier.
The Big Move
To those on facebook, it is no surprise that I have changed locations from the Netherlands to the United Kingdom. We arrived in Henley on the Thames Saturday afternoon and have settled into our respective homes around town. We are all relatively close to one another and it would seem that our home stay families are friends or acquaintances. We each have our own bed (I was sharing with our cox for the last week in Holland), and share a room with one other team mate. The house is lovely and the family also.
It is about a 20 min walk each morning to the course for training and we either stay around have a snack then train again or on a day like today we walk home, rest and eat and return later.
The course is quite busy with both regatta traffic and leisure boat traffic. It is a whole different beast for coxwains to navigate, even though it is a straight course; course is lined with just above water cement barriers, weaving traffic, large boats coming toward you, a strong current due to lots of rain etc. We manage and have settled into the hub bub downtown on and off the water.
For those who do not know this race it is quite the ordeal. It is based on the similar idea of horse racing. All races are dual style, so only 2 at a time head to head. There is not the same cheering in the grand stands as the people are dressed with their blazers, dresses and hats and often are busy drinking their beverage of choice or enjoying lunch sandwiches. However, there is betting that occurs, which we discovered after being made to weigh in on our first morning. I suppose they think this might help people decide who the winners might be? The point is racing is quite different here as is the atmosphere, but it is a sight to behold. Our first race is Friday against France. From there the winner progresses and the loser is done racing. There are two brackets and so we won't see anyone from the other side until we progress. There are a handful of potentially good crews such as ourselves so racing should be exciting.
The Queen's visit
One big event I experienced yesterday was the arrival of the Queen by boat on the Thames. As a part of the Diamond Jubilee she is touring around London. There was a river pageant put on to entertain and display the history of the river and we all got to watch as the Queen smiled as she took in the sites. Those of us watching her gave a few "Hip hips!" as she arrived. It was quite the affair.
(She is the one seated in blue, next to her lady in waiting.)
Giving God my Attention
In the last few weeks, a lot has happened, and in that I have learned how to overcome some of my pride, control and the importance of recognizing the little chinks in my armor that Satan will use to bring me down. The last bit in Holland as I think I wrote, was difficult, with injuries, and boat seating changes and just taking what the coach was saying as valuable. Much of my problem came from pride of which I am learning how to lay down. As I began to lay that down, God was able to continue his work in me, and what do you know he presented things before me again that I had been holding onto as important but for the wrong reasons. What is comes down to for me is, God does not have my attention, focus, or affection (amongst other things) unless I GIVE IT TO HIM.
I cannot take complete credit for the thought as I heard it first in a sermon from my London church (Gateway)but it hit home. The series is entitled "A Life of Purpose" and covers many aspects of how we can do that and ultimately how God has created us for a specific purpose.
To go back to the point on us giving our attention to God, I realized that it was a different way of thinking of God as our center. Jesus is always there, always watching, waiting and ready for me to look His way. Does not take much but the return is immense. Taking a few mins or longer to give God my attention needs to be my constant focus, and I am working to do this through the day. When rowing is difficult or things are going well, I give a little "thank you" or "please give me courage", inviting Christ to take a lead, and therefore I take the following role. This brings me to another point, again from this sermon series and that is, it does not matter WHAT you do but WHO you do it for.
In the time I have started rowing again I have realized that often things start going awry when I forget to give God my attention but also forget that all I do should be a gift to God. My abilities and gifts should be used not only to fulfill the great commandment but also to worship Him. Winning does not always happen, and when it does the high more often than not fades and you can be left with a sinking feeling. When I hit the water for practice or a race I am confident knowing that God and I are on the same page, that I have asked him and talked to him about the day and what lie ahead. I do my best to remember to take the time to dedicate the outcome to God's glory.
God has a purpose for us all. It often comes through many hardships but small in comparison to sending your child to die for a world of undeserving humans. Our purpose comes with our talents and gifts, and our gift to God is our hands open, giving God the attention and affection He deserves.
As I prepare to race on Friday in our first dual, I want and am able to say that God is there with me, hauling on the oar and helping me set a pace for the rest of the team. If every stroke is done with purpose and meaning I can rest assured that I have more than two hands on my oar and at the end of the day I can say that what was accomplished was most pleasing to God.
To close out I have a few prayer requests and praises:
- Thank you for continued prayer regarding injuries on our team. Both of our serious injured girls are back in the boat and managing. I know they are not comfortable but I believe God can continue to ease their pain until they can rest next week. Please continue to pray for them.
- Pray for the best conditions for our racing. It is a hard prayer for me sometimes because I want to pray for what I think the best conditions are for racing but God knows more than I, he knows the competition and he knows me better than I know myself. Currently we have a big current against us which makes for some hard rowing. I know we can manage but I certainly could use a little help staying on top of it :)
- My last request is for myself and that is that I would stay healthy and injury free. A few niggling things keep me cautious at times but I know it is in better hands. So far so good!
OH we are racing as Western Rowing Club so if you are trying to look at results online on the Henley Royal webpage that is who we are!
Thanks as always for your prayer and support. I am excited to race but also excited to be back with family and friends in Canada!
Cheers!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Versatilty and experience
It is almost a week past but having just finished lunch and having some time before second practice, I felt I should FINALLY update!
As you know last weekend we raced the Holland Beker regatta, and as some may not know we had some good success. I cannot say we had our best racing the first 2 races but the most important race brought good changes and some rhythm to the crew.
Day 1 of racing we took on the Under 23 Netherlands crew with a commanding start and slight lead early on. They put on some good racing and we fuddled our way through the race with varying levels of success. We did cross the line first to capture a gold medal (the first for our coxwain who is very inexperienced but certainly won the lottery with our crew).
Our second day included a heat in the morning against some club crews. We set out with a bang off the start and because it was a heat and we just wanted to get to the final we took the rate down through the race as to not win by too much. It was not a superbly executed race but it was an improvement on the previous day.
The big event was in the evening when we were sandwiched between the Netherlands Olympic 8+ and their Under 23 8+ . Again off the start we took the edge out and pushed to hold on to them as long as possible. Our focus was to keep the gap between the Olympic boat and ours as close as possible. This was our way of making them work the entire race, giving OUR Olympic boat some data to work with. This race was by far the best we have had. It was quick, light and there was a good rhythm through the body of the piece. It certainly hurt plenty but the reward was great when we knew we did all we could do.
Racing always has its ups and downs and as I gain more international experience I learn more about how I approach racing and training. This weekend I reflected a lot on the 2x final last year at World Championships. For those who have not caught up, my partner and I did not qualify for the Olympics last year, for many reasons but one being experience. Racing is a fine balance of rowing like every race is a final and racing smart as to not waste too much energy too soon. It takes time to figure it all out and sometimes there are still surprises. At Worlds I was so confident in the POTENTIAL of our boat that I think what ended up happening is we did not realize the potential for each step of the racing process. What I mean is that in the heat we thought we were racing our best but in reality we were holding back, not thinking of the level of racing to be had and done.
At the end of the day, you have to find some value in everything you do, and sometimes it is about hindsight. I could not have learned from my past experience without the continued experience I have today.
Speaking of experiences, due to unfortunate events; a rib injury in one of our teammates, we have been doing some modifying of our crew to get the work in (we do not have any spare bodies on our trip). Yesterday morning we rigged some other boats including a quad (4x), pair (2-), and a single (1x). Can you guess what I rowed? Of course the single! I was quite happy to get in again and row. I was plesantly surprised with my rowing and the change in strength to hold my body in a good position. I also was able to row a new Hudson boat that has a new bow mount rigger unlike my stern mounted one. Different feeling but nice! I might look into selling my boat and buying this new style. So continuing about changes, Last night our coach sat in the empty seat of the 8+ which is always fun (he is a former Olympian), Oh and I have also been in bow seat for a few days from my usual stroke (another fun experience to have). And today thus far I have switched sides to row Starboard while we rowed with one less person. So to sum up the last 2 days, I have; sculled, and swept both on Port and Starboard! Who knows what tonight brings!
On other things, we moved hotels for a few days as the Novotel was booked solid. I think they were glad to see us go... or so that is what it felt like. The Mercator where were are now situated is quite pleasant, amazing food and a peaceful atmosphere. I am loving being able to look out the window to see a little pond, bunnies, and birds, not to mention lots of greenery. Our bike ride to and from the course is also far more scenic. My roommate remains the same which we are quite happy with. We will see how she feels after a few more days :)
That is it for now! Please continue to pray for healing for my teammate (who is also Christian) and for protection for the rest of us from injury and illness. Talk to you again soon!
As you know last weekend we raced the Holland Beker regatta, and as some may not know we had some good success. I cannot say we had our best racing the first 2 races but the most important race brought good changes and some rhythm to the crew.
Day 1 of racing we took on the Under 23 Netherlands crew with a commanding start and slight lead early on. They put on some good racing and we fuddled our way through the race with varying levels of success. We did cross the line first to capture a gold medal (the first for our coxwain who is very inexperienced but certainly won the lottery with our crew).
Our second day included a heat in the morning against some club crews. We set out with a bang off the start and because it was a heat and we just wanted to get to the final we took the rate down through the race as to not win by too much. It was not a superbly executed race but it was an improvement on the previous day.
The big event was in the evening when we were sandwiched between the Netherlands Olympic 8+ and their Under 23 8+ . Again off the start we took the edge out and pushed to hold on to them as long as possible. Our focus was to keep the gap between the Olympic boat and ours as close as possible. This was our way of making them work the entire race, giving OUR Olympic boat some data to work with. This race was by far the best we have had. It was quick, light and there was a good rhythm through the body of the piece. It certainly hurt plenty but the reward was great when we knew we did all we could do.
Racing always has its ups and downs and as I gain more international experience I learn more about how I approach racing and training. This weekend I reflected a lot on the 2x final last year at World Championships. For those who have not caught up, my partner and I did not qualify for the Olympics last year, for many reasons but one being experience. Racing is a fine balance of rowing like every race is a final and racing smart as to not waste too much energy too soon. It takes time to figure it all out and sometimes there are still surprises. At Worlds I was so confident in the POTENTIAL of our boat that I think what ended up happening is we did not realize the potential for each step of the racing process. What I mean is that in the heat we thought we were racing our best but in reality we were holding back, not thinking of the level of racing to be had and done.
At the end of the day, you have to find some value in everything you do, and sometimes it is about hindsight. I could not have learned from my past experience without the continued experience I have today.
Speaking of experiences, due to unfortunate events; a rib injury in one of our teammates, we have been doing some modifying of our crew to get the work in (we do not have any spare bodies on our trip). Yesterday morning we rigged some other boats including a quad (4x), pair (2-), and a single (1x). Can you guess what I rowed? Of course the single! I was quite happy to get in again and row. I was plesantly surprised with my rowing and the change in strength to hold my body in a good position. I also was able to row a new Hudson boat that has a new bow mount rigger unlike my stern mounted one. Different feeling but nice! I might look into selling my boat and buying this new style. So continuing about changes, Last night our coach sat in the empty seat of the 8+ which is always fun (he is a former Olympian), Oh and I have also been in bow seat for a few days from my usual stroke (another fun experience to have). And today thus far I have switched sides to row Starboard while we rowed with one less person. So to sum up the last 2 days, I have; sculled, and swept both on Port and Starboard! Who knows what tonight brings!
On other things, we moved hotels for a few days as the Novotel was booked solid. I think they were glad to see us go... or so that is what it felt like. The Mercator where were are now situated is quite pleasant, amazing food and a peaceful atmosphere. I am loving being able to look out the window to see a little pond, bunnies, and birds, not to mention lots of greenery. Our bike ride to and from the course is also far more scenic. My roommate remains the same which we are quite happy with. We will see how she feels after a few more days :)
That is it for now! Please continue to pray for healing for my teammate (who is also Christian) and for protection for the rest of us from injury and illness. Talk to you again soon!
Friday, June 8, 2012
Euro Tour 2
Here we go, post two of the Euro trip!
Tomorrow is our first day of racing, and man is it ever different racing in the 8+ as opposed to small boats. I am so used to having heats, semis, finals at least and with the 8+ because of the low entries that are typical (the eight sucks up a lot of athletes and so most countries do not have a competitive boat) we pretty much have finals and perhaps a heat on our second day of racing.
In some ways this is nice, in others it means you have to get it right the first time! No second chances.
I don't think we will need the second chance as things are coming together pretty well. We still have a lot of room for improvement but that is just the nature of the sport. We strive to perfect one aspect of the stroke at a time, and typically have to cycle back to that point eventually. We do it in hopes that on race day we are cleaner, faster and more precise than the competition.
In non rowing news, we have taken to riding our bikes two and from practice every day for each practice. It is a 10-15 min ride through this part of town. We do stick out in the commuting crowd but I think more because we are all tall, athletic and don't quite fit properly on our bikes due to our size.
The weather here is nicer than some made it out to be. It rains every day and has been quite windy but nothing we cannot handle. The course is so protected that strong winds that would blow us off the water in London ON are just creating some choppy water here.
All in all things are good, I hope to get some laundry done soon and I look forward to our free day on Monday! I will do my best to give some racing updates, but if you want to follow us online check this website:
Holland Beker Regatta
There is the option to view in English in the top right corner, and options to view live racing and results on the page also. We race both Saturday and Sunday evening in the W8+ for CAN
Thanks for your cheers!
Tomorrow is our first day of racing, and man is it ever different racing in the 8+ as opposed to small boats. I am so used to having heats, semis, finals at least and with the 8+ because of the low entries that are typical (the eight sucks up a lot of athletes and so most countries do not have a competitive boat) we pretty much have finals and perhaps a heat on our second day of racing.
In some ways this is nice, in others it means you have to get it right the first time! No second chances.
I don't think we will need the second chance as things are coming together pretty well. We still have a lot of room for improvement but that is just the nature of the sport. We strive to perfect one aspect of the stroke at a time, and typically have to cycle back to that point eventually. We do it in hopes that on race day we are cleaner, faster and more precise than the competition.
In non rowing news, we have taken to riding our bikes two and from practice every day for each practice. It is a 10-15 min ride through this part of town. We do stick out in the commuting crowd but I think more because we are all tall, athletic and don't quite fit properly on our bikes due to our size.
The weather here is nicer than some made it out to be. It rains every day and has been quite windy but nothing we cannot handle. The course is so protected that strong winds that would blow us off the water in London ON are just creating some choppy water here.
All in all things are good, I hope to get some laundry done soon and I look forward to our free day on Monday! I will do my best to give some racing updates, but if you want to follow us online check this website:
Holland Beker Regatta
There is the option to view in English in the top right corner, and options to view live racing and results on the page also. We race both Saturday and Sunday evening in the W8+ for CAN
Thanks for your cheers!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Re-defining my Adventure
Hey everyone!
Well after a long hiatus I am back and ready to re-start and continue the adventure I have set out to do. And you know what, perhaps it has changed a bit.
My adventure is first and foremost to spread God's love, to team mates, family, friends, strangers in the street and beyond.
The setting: On the Canadian National rowing team in whatever location we find ourselves.
The Goals: To bring people toward God's love and everlasting promise, and if I happen to make an Olympic team or World Championship team I will gladly accept and spread the news abroad :)
So now that this is clear. The last few months have been a major roller coaster ride with returning to London, and switching from sculling in my single to sweeping in an 8+. It has been a long time since I have sat in a sweep boat and my body was not too happy but neither was my head and heart. After some long needed wake up calls I decided to give it all to God and let him guide my body, heart and head to His plan. This is another reason I feel my adventure needs to be stated for God's Will. Doing something I am not in love with is another way God can show himself; in my attitude toward the activity.
After my attitude change I have been able to simply enjoy rowing and learn more about my abilities and where I can improve. So now I find myself with a development group newly arrived in Amsterdam ND to race the Holland Beker regatta on the first course I ever raced internationally (Under 23 team) followed in a few weeks by the Henley Royal Regatta in London England. I am very excited to be in the group and to have an opportunity to race with Canadian colours once again, even if it is not the Olympics.
Today was our first day of rowing and I am headed shortly for a second row. We have a great hotel in close proximity to the course and bikes to get from A to B. The women I am working with are wonderful, and if I did not mention it in previous posts a few are Christians as well which is a great experience also. I have always had a great sense that God has been working in my life and the rowing world the last year or so and this is just another way He shows his power and planning.
I do not have much more to report as of now, but I thought I should get the ball rolling again. Perhaps I can even start getting photos in here!
Thank you so much for all your prayer even in my silence. God is doing amazing things and He continues to do so even when things are quiet.
Oh one prayer item. Matt and I are looking at trying to make my rowing and his career work together and to do that being in closer proximity would be nice. If you can pray that God's will be done and that the transfer we are looking to get works if I am indeed meant to continue rowing, and if His will is to do it through other means that it be VERY clear. I believe he will answer a one or the other prayer but I also realize God's will is not always able to fit in a box, and I by no means want to fit in a box!
Talk to you all soon!
Well after a long hiatus I am back and ready to re-start and continue the adventure I have set out to do. And you know what, perhaps it has changed a bit.
My adventure is first and foremost to spread God's love, to team mates, family, friends, strangers in the street and beyond.
The setting: On the Canadian National rowing team in whatever location we find ourselves.
The Goals: To bring people toward God's love and everlasting promise, and if I happen to make an Olympic team or World Championship team I will gladly accept and spread the news abroad :)
So now that this is clear. The last few months have been a major roller coaster ride with returning to London, and switching from sculling in my single to sweeping in an 8+. It has been a long time since I have sat in a sweep boat and my body was not too happy but neither was my head and heart. After some long needed wake up calls I decided to give it all to God and let him guide my body, heart and head to His plan. This is another reason I feel my adventure needs to be stated for God's Will. Doing something I am not in love with is another way God can show himself; in my attitude toward the activity.
After my attitude change I have been able to simply enjoy rowing and learn more about my abilities and where I can improve. So now I find myself with a development group newly arrived in Amsterdam ND to race the Holland Beker regatta on the first course I ever raced internationally (Under 23 team) followed in a few weeks by the Henley Royal Regatta in London England. I am very excited to be in the group and to have an opportunity to race with Canadian colours once again, even if it is not the Olympics.
Today was our first day of rowing and I am headed shortly for a second row. We have a great hotel in close proximity to the course and bikes to get from A to B. The women I am working with are wonderful, and if I did not mention it in previous posts a few are Christians as well which is a great experience also. I have always had a great sense that God has been working in my life and the rowing world the last year or so and this is just another way He shows his power and planning.
I do not have much more to report as of now, but I thought I should get the ball rolling again. Perhaps I can even start getting photos in here!
Thank you so much for all your prayer even in my silence. God is doing amazing things and He continues to do so even when things are quiet.
Oh one prayer item. Matt and I are looking at trying to make my rowing and his career work together and to do that being in closer proximity would be nice. If you can pray that God's will be done and that the transfer we are looking to get works if I am indeed meant to continue rowing, and if His will is to do it through other means that it be VERY clear. I believe he will answer a one or the other prayer but I also realize God's will is not always able to fit in a box, and I by no means want to fit in a box!
Talk to you all soon!
Hebrews 12:1-3 Therefore,
since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us
throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Everything and Nothing
My inspiration for writing has been fleeting lately and it seems that when I feel inspired I am no where near a computer or journal to write things down. It would be hard to say that is my only reason for not updating this blog, but it is a contributing factor.
A while ago I think I mentioned (or so I had been thinking to mention) that sometimes it is hard to write a blog such as this and then have the dream you were gunning for, slowly fade away. I don't have to please everyone but human response is to think I have let someone down or disappointed those who have been praying and supporting me. My dream is not gone, I am just a little confused over the game plan for my life in rowing. I see glimpses of purpose when I get opportunities to witness to teammates, supporters and other people along my journey but I cannot lie and say that I know what is ahead for me.
So this is another factor in my lack of posts. Not a good one, but a tough one to swallow sometimes. But as I have learned in sport, there are days when you don't feel inspired, you feel beat down and hopeless, and in order to get to the other side, to reach your goal you have to rise above. It is not just enough to go through the motions (although that is what happens often), but to put every ounce you have left into every stroke even if you are only able to work at 50% of your normal 100%.
This week was one like that and I did not always do the best job of rising above. There were days where I spent the energy I should have spent on the oar on thinking about how tired and sore I was. Did you know it takes the same amount of energy to do it right as to do it wrong? But for some reason we like doing it wrong more than right, especially when we are in the pit of despair, hurt and confusion. I am making it my focus in the next few weeks to change my thinking by ditching the self pity and taking on an attitude of strength, courage and that of Philippians 4:13; I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
Now, that I have written my motivating self talk for all to read I should probably fill you in on what I am up to and the direction I am headed now.
Upon arriving back in London, after 4 weeks of healing time for my 3rd rib fracture (3rd is a charm...?) I got back on the water. I spent a couple days in the single, easing into rowing again, and then made a big switch to sweep rowing (one oar in my hand). I spent a couple of weeks rowing in a couple of different boats and then this past week made a switch to the opposite side of sweep (there is Port and Starboard) to help fill in some gaps. I am happy to be versatile but it did become a little overwhelming for my body as I found out after I switched back into the single for the last few days. I survived and I will be in the 1x for the next week as we are racing in Welland next weekend for the Development regatta (Sat-Sun, not as important for me as it is for some of the younger ones but still good experience). I am not looking forward to the major ego hit this race will more than likely be, as I have not done much sculling lately and it does take time to reacquaint before going fast, but I will do my best, and it is always good to get a dose of reality sometimes right?
Our little group of 7 is training toward 2 European races; English Henley in London and the HollandBeker regatta in Amsterdam. We are looking forward to it, and hope to have a better idea of what we will be racing as the Olympic group completes their selection in the next week.
Deep down I know God can work a miracle and I could be at the Olympics, but I decided that I need to step back and let Him work the wonder and not me, so I concede to the non Olympic dream this year but I am praying that God will make it clear what the plan is for the next cycle. It is a big decision for Matt and I but we know God will answer prayer and tell me clearly whether to stay or go.
Keep praying, and believing the impossible can happen and in the end we believe that as we may worry about our future, we already know the important part, that this is not home, that our home lies in heaven with Christ. That is our future, and it looks pretty bright :)
Song for the week: Everything and Nothing by Matt Maher
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yEMeRQs4tI
A while ago I think I mentioned (or so I had been thinking to mention) that sometimes it is hard to write a blog such as this and then have the dream you were gunning for, slowly fade away. I don't have to please everyone but human response is to think I have let someone down or disappointed those who have been praying and supporting me. My dream is not gone, I am just a little confused over the game plan for my life in rowing. I see glimpses of purpose when I get opportunities to witness to teammates, supporters and other people along my journey but I cannot lie and say that I know what is ahead for me.
So this is another factor in my lack of posts. Not a good one, but a tough one to swallow sometimes. But as I have learned in sport, there are days when you don't feel inspired, you feel beat down and hopeless, and in order to get to the other side, to reach your goal you have to rise above. It is not just enough to go through the motions (although that is what happens often), but to put every ounce you have left into every stroke even if you are only able to work at 50% of your normal 100%.
This week was one like that and I did not always do the best job of rising above. There were days where I spent the energy I should have spent on the oar on thinking about how tired and sore I was. Did you know it takes the same amount of energy to do it right as to do it wrong? But for some reason we like doing it wrong more than right, especially when we are in the pit of despair, hurt and confusion. I am making it my focus in the next few weeks to change my thinking by ditching the self pity and taking on an attitude of strength, courage and that of Philippians 4:13; I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
Now, that I have written my motivating self talk for all to read I should probably fill you in on what I am up to and the direction I am headed now.
Upon arriving back in London, after 4 weeks of healing time for my 3rd rib fracture (3rd is a charm...?) I got back on the water. I spent a couple days in the single, easing into rowing again, and then made a big switch to sweep rowing (one oar in my hand). I spent a couple of weeks rowing in a couple of different boats and then this past week made a switch to the opposite side of sweep (there is Port and Starboard) to help fill in some gaps. I am happy to be versatile but it did become a little overwhelming for my body as I found out after I switched back into the single for the last few days. I survived and I will be in the 1x for the next week as we are racing in Welland next weekend for the Development regatta (Sat-Sun, not as important for me as it is for some of the younger ones but still good experience). I am not looking forward to the major ego hit this race will more than likely be, as I have not done much sculling lately and it does take time to reacquaint before going fast, but I will do my best, and it is always good to get a dose of reality sometimes right?
Our little group of 7 is training toward 2 European races; English Henley in London and the HollandBeker regatta in Amsterdam. We are looking forward to it, and hope to have a better idea of what we will be racing as the Olympic group completes their selection in the next week.
Deep down I know God can work a miracle and I could be at the Olympics, but I decided that I need to step back and let Him work the wonder and not me, so I concede to the non Olympic dream this year but I am praying that God will make it clear what the plan is for the next cycle. It is a big decision for Matt and I but we know God will answer prayer and tell me clearly whether to stay or go.
Keep praying, and believing the impossible can happen and in the end we believe that as we may worry about our future, we already know the important part, that this is not home, that our home lies in heaven with Christ. That is our future, and it looks pretty bright :)
Song for the week: Everything and Nothing by Matt Maher
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yEMeRQs4tI
Thursday, March 22, 2012
The latest and greatest
Hello!
There is a lot of new news here but nothing too riveting.
As I posted a while back I went to a camp in Sacramento, which was a great experience overall despite challenging my mental confidence I came away stronger... oh well besides that impending rib fracture thing...
In the last day or so of camp it would turn out that I caused another rib stress fracture but on my left side instead of my usual right. Fortunately after only a couple of days I decided to pull myself from the water and start trying to get a handle on the pain and inflammation.
From that point forward I have been off the water (now 2 weeks) and my life or rather my rowing life has been flipped upside down once again. With 2 more weeks minimum of recovery I was not invited, despite my best efforts to the last Sacramento camp happening as we speak, and I am on my way back to London to join my old group for non Olympic events for the year. My dream remains the same as I get myself back to full health using the bike, and running as my workouts.
Yesterday I left Victoria, with some sadness, to our home in Oregon where I will spend a few days and work my way back to Ontario with my husband from there.
I am still looking forward what lies ahead, and despite the changes I am always reminded that God has things under control... not me.
There is a lot of new news here but nothing too riveting.
As I posted a while back I went to a camp in Sacramento, which was a great experience overall despite challenging my mental confidence I came away stronger... oh well besides that impending rib fracture thing...
In the last day or so of camp it would turn out that I caused another rib stress fracture but on my left side instead of my usual right. Fortunately after only a couple of days I decided to pull myself from the water and start trying to get a handle on the pain and inflammation.
From that point forward I have been off the water (now 2 weeks) and my life or rather my rowing life has been flipped upside down once again. With 2 more weeks minimum of recovery I was not invited, despite my best efforts to the last Sacramento camp happening as we speak, and I am on my way back to London to join my old group for non Olympic events for the year. My dream remains the same as I get myself back to full health using the bike, and running as my workouts.
Yesterday I left Victoria, with some sadness, to our home in Oregon where I will spend a few days and work my way back to Ontario with my husband from there.
I am still looking forward what lies ahead, and despite the changes I am always reminded that God has things under control... not me.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Hope in the Lord, He will renew strength
It is hard to keep my head on straight when I am fatigued, feeling a time crunch and comparing myself to others who in the end I will be faster than.be
Camp is going well, I am learning a lot from my new 2x partner (temporary as HE is male haha). He is a multiple time world and Olympic champ and has so much great experience and way of explaining things that makes sense. We have made some great changes in our boat and I am feeling like I should be stronger for it. The catch comes when I get in the 1x. I feel slow (and comparatively am) and have not been able to transition the technical changes from the 2x to the 1x completely...yet. The most difficult part is the time crunch that is present but I keep imposing more on myself than necessary.
I am tired, my body is on the edge but I also know that good things can happen with patience. God continues to be good to me and gives me strength when I need it most and I will continue to trust His plan for me. What I need to do is start fighting against the powers of negative suggestion, spiritual battering and discouragement that comes through my own thoughts but most likely egged on my Satan.
Most of you reading probably know me well enough to laugh at my constant battle of feeling fast enough or good enough. I do realize how silly it sounds when other times I am so sure of the next step but it still does not change the feeling of being in a pit of frustration and discouragement.
On a more positive note, I have been encouraged during a challenging piece by Isaiah 40:28-31;
I just kept repeating the last part in my head as we crossed the line and I know Jesus reminds me in small things of His power and might. I would encourage you to look closely at the entire chapter of Isaiah 40. I just read over the whole thing again and man does it speak volumes to a people who were wandering the desert for YEARS! An 8 day trip that was prolonged simply because they could not leave their lives to God's keeping. I don't want to wander for years I want to stay focused and trust in God, not looking to the left or the right.
Despite my struggle I feel that I am going to come out the other side faster; this is a time of breaking down then building back up stronger than before. Patience, trust and courage are the keys to making it back on top.
Prayer requests:
- Injury - I have been holding up ok but having some rib issues that are manageable right now but hope to clear it right up!
- Sleep! I am not really sleeping well and most certainly need it.
- I need to keep focused and free from Satan's grasp. I want people to notice something different about me, so they will start to think twice about who leads their life.
- Continued safety and recovery for all the athletes and discernment for the coaches and staff.
I thank God for my supporters, the ones I know and don't. On hard days I can hear individuals cheering me on and reminding me of what I have set out to do.
Live, boldly, hold open your hands and raise them high!
Camp is going well, I am learning a lot from my new 2x partner (temporary as HE is male haha). He is a multiple time world and Olympic champ and has so much great experience and way of explaining things that makes sense. We have made some great changes in our boat and I am feeling like I should be stronger for it. The catch comes when I get in the 1x. I feel slow (and comparatively am) and have not been able to transition the technical changes from the 2x to the 1x completely...yet. The most difficult part is the time crunch that is present but I keep imposing more on myself than necessary.
I am tired, my body is on the edge but I also know that good things can happen with patience. God continues to be good to me and gives me strength when I need it most and I will continue to trust His plan for me. What I need to do is start fighting against the powers of negative suggestion, spiritual battering and discouragement that comes through my own thoughts but most likely egged on my Satan.
Most of you reading probably know me well enough to laugh at my constant battle of feeling fast enough or good enough. I do realize how silly it sounds when other times I am so sure of the next step but it still does not change the feeling of being in a pit of frustration and discouragement.
On a more positive note, I have been encouraged during a challenging piece by Isaiah 40:28-31;
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and His understanding no one can fathom.
Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall;
But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; They will run and not grow weary; The will walk and not grow faint.I just kept repeating the last part in my head as we crossed the line and I know Jesus reminds me in small things of His power and might. I would encourage you to look closely at the entire chapter of Isaiah 40. I just read over the whole thing again and man does it speak volumes to a people who were wandering the desert for YEARS! An 8 day trip that was prolonged simply because they could not leave their lives to God's keeping. I don't want to wander for years I want to stay focused and trust in God, not looking to the left or the right.
Despite my struggle I feel that I am going to come out the other side faster; this is a time of breaking down then building back up stronger than before. Patience, trust and courage are the keys to making it back on top.
Prayer requests:
- Injury - I have been holding up ok but having some rib issues that are manageable right now but hope to clear it right up!
- Sleep! I am not really sleeping well and most certainly need it.
- I need to keep focused and free from Satan's grasp. I want people to notice something different about me, so they will start to think twice about who leads their life.
- Continued safety and recovery for all the athletes and discernment for the coaches and staff.
I thank God for my supporters, the ones I know and don't. On hard days I can hear individuals cheering me on and reminding me of what I have set out to do.
Live, boldly, hold open your hands and raise them high!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Week 1 of Sacramento Camp
After having 2 cars broken into on a lunch stop on our way to our training venue, one including a smashed in window leaving 3 athletes with no computers or other personal belongings including 2 passports, we arrived in Rancho Cordova CA for our 2 week long training camp. Not always the best way to start a camp but fortunately no one was hurt and I won't lie that I was praising God that my bright pink bag sitting with 2 of the bags that were taken (which contained a jackpot of electronics might I add) did not even get touched. I guess have an obnoxious coloured bag is a good thing.
So after the drama we eventually arrived to meet the rest of the team for rigging at the course. It is really neat being back at a course I rowed in University for the NCAA championships 2 years in a row. It is a course that I won the NCAA champion title in the 4+ (coxed four) but also a course where we struggled as a team. It is a beautiful course and has a 7k stretch of water that we can row which is great for training but very fatiguing after being repeat multiple times a day.
My lightweight 2x partner found out before leaving Canada that she had a rib fracture so she is here with us but training on the bike path with a sweet road bike. This meant bringing another boat so that I could partner with one of the men. My new partner is extremely experienced in sculling and sweep and has multiple accolades. This is great for me as he is able to give me some fantastic feedback that I understand and can put into practice. Some words make sense and others make sense and also evoke a physical response, and he has the ability to get the sight, sound and feel all in one word.
I also have my single here but I will probably spend a few more days in a larger boat until I figure out the course and get acquainted with the way things go here. The men get a little verbal and do not mind pushing for their space, so learning to push right back, minus the vocality (or so I try) is important.
All in all I am excited about the results of this week. It is going to be fatiguing and I know I will have to be cautious of injury. Please be praying for our safety here, injury free rowing, and good gains as we approach selection.
Have a wonderful weekend, get out and enjoy some form of exercise. And when you don't feel like it just think of all of us here training to exhaustion, then a little walk will seem like nothing :)
So after the drama we eventually arrived to meet the rest of the team for rigging at the course. It is really neat being back at a course I rowed in University for the NCAA championships 2 years in a row. It is a course that I won the NCAA champion title in the 4+ (coxed four) but also a course where we struggled as a team. It is a beautiful course and has a 7k stretch of water that we can row which is great for training but very fatiguing after being repeat multiple times a day.
My lightweight 2x partner found out before leaving Canada that she had a rib fracture so she is here with us but training on the bike path with a sweet road bike. This meant bringing another boat so that I could partner with one of the men. My new partner is extremely experienced in sculling and sweep and has multiple accolades. This is great for me as he is able to give me some fantastic feedback that I understand and can put into practice. Some words make sense and others make sense and also evoke a physical response, and he has the ability to get the sight, sound and feel all in one word.
I also have my single here but I will probably spend a few more days in a larger boat until I figure out the course and get acquainted with the way things go here. The men get a little verbal and do not mind pushing for their space, so learning to push right back, minus the vocality (or so I try) is important.
All in all I am excited about the results of this week. It is going to be fatiguing and I know I will have to be cautious of injury. Please be praying for our safety here, injury free rowing, and good gains as we approach selection.
Have a wonderful weekend, get out and enjoy some form of exercise. And when you don't feel like it just think of all of us here training to exhaustion, then a little walk will seem like nothing :)
Monday, February 13, 2012
Testing complete, now to prepare for the hurt of camp
Hello!
I was about to go to bed and was not quite tired so thought this would be a good time to write of my latest adventures.
This past week included a bundle of wonderful testing in a 24 hr period starting Tues afternoon and ending Wed morning. After the previous week where I had never been so fatigued physically and mentally I was not sure how I was going to recover in time for testing. Truth be told, I don't think I did completely, but everyone was in a similar boat.
Tuesday morning I woke up, did a warm up paddle on the water then headed home to wait for the first test; a 6k erg (rowing machine) test. I was confident from the previous evening workout that I could crush the erg but as I started to warm up I realized that somewhere in the last 12 hrs my body had a whole new set of fatigue set in. I did my best to wrap my mind around it and set out to reach my goal of sub 22'.
After some mental struggle due to the physical fatigue I came out the end of the piece at 21:57. I was disappointed that I could not do what the night before had indicated but I was not upset with the sub 22. It was after all what I set out to do.
I walked away and prepared my body for the next morning's first test, 2 times 2km in my 1x on the water. I hopped into an epsom salt bath after a good meal with my adopted family here and headed to bed relatively early.
Wednesday morning I woke up to my usual routine and headed to the lake. As I set out on the water I had to remind myself to take it one piece at a time and to stay relaxed. I don't know that I was too successful at that but it is a work in progress. It was not easy rowing but I was glad to have the wind calm for us briefly so we could get down the course with less extraneous challenges. I felt good overall with my pieces, although they were not too fast I know I put what I could into them for the moment.
Next step and last test was the same work but in the 2x (double) with my lightweight partner. These were not fantastic pieces especially after the hurt of the last 2 tests but we made things work best we could with little time we have been rowing together.
At the end of the day I had learned more about my speed, strengths, weaknesses, and competitors (teammates). Even in some disappointment you can find valuable information if you are willing to accept the kick in the shin or punch in the face. That said the coaches seemed to be pleased for now and continue to encourage me to push ahead and work away.
I have noticed I have a lot more up and down days. Some days and even hours of the day I am confident in my future here, and others I am unsure. However, at the end of the day positivity and that gut feeling win over and I lift my heart, head and hands up and say "I know you've got things covered God, just help me do what I need to along the way".
Oh one last note, today in church we were talking about the story of the rich man who asked Jesus what he had to do to get into the kingdom of heaven and the idea of Christians thinking they are above others came up. The pastor made an interesting point, to be hold is to be set apart, not set above. When I think about my journey and the destination, wherever that may be, I want to be set apart. As you may recall a few posts back talked about this. God wants us to be set apart from the rest of the world, to look, sound, be different than the worldly norm. At the end of my life I would rather be known for being set apart than to be part of the crowd.
I challenge you to think about it this week, and think about areas in your life where you can stand out and have more faith that God is there. Dreams happen and miracles happen but it takes stepping out of the status quo and comfort of our own plans to bring them to life in their full!
Continued prayer for health, healing, injury prevention and mental preservation is greatly appreciated. I have a rough road ahead but the reward for myself but first and foremost, God's kingdom is unimaginable. I believe.
I was about to go to bed and was not quite tired so thought this would be a good time to write of my latest adventures.
This past week included a bundle of wonderful testing in a 24 hr period starting Tues afternoon and ending Wed morning. After the previous week where I had never been so fatigued physically and mentally I was not sure how I was going to recover in time for testing. Truth be told, I don't think I did completely, but everyone was in a similar boat.
Tuesday morning I woke up, did a warm up paddle on the water then headed home to wait for the first test; a 6k erg (rowing machine) test. I was confident from the previous evening workout that I could crush the erg but as I started to warm up I realized that somewhere in the last 12 hrs my body had a whole new set of fatigue set in. I did my best to wrap my mind around it and set out to reach my goal of sub 22'.
After some mental struggle due to the physical fatigue I came out the end of the piece at 21:57. I was disappointed that I could not do what the night before had indicated but I was not upset with the sub 22. It was after all what I set out to do.
I walked away and prepared my body for the next morning's first test, 2 times 2km in my 1x on the water. I hopped into an epsom salt bath after a good meal with my adopted family here and headed to bed relatively early.
Wednesday morning I woke up to my usual routine and headed to the lake. As I set out on the water I had to remind myself to take it one piece at a time and to stay relaxed. I don't know that I was too successful at that but it is a work in progress. It was not easy rowing but I was glad to have the wind calm for us briefly so we could get down the course with less extraneous challenges. I felt good overall with my pieces, although they were not too fast I know I put what I could into them for the moment.
Next step and last test was the same work but in the 2x (double) with my lightweight partner. These were not fantastic pieces especially after the hurt of the last 2 tests but we made things work best we could with little time we have been rowing together.
At the end of the day I had learned more about my speed, strengths, weaknesses, and competitors (teammates). Even in some disappointment you can find valuable information if you are willing to accept the kick in the shin or punch in the face. That said the coaches seemed to be pleased for now and continue to encourage me to push ahead and work away.
I have noticed I have a lot more up and down days. Some days and even hours of the day I am confident in my future here, and others I am unsure. However, at the end of the day positivity and that gut feeling win over and I lift my heart, head and hands up and say "I know you've got things covered God, just help me do what I need to along the way".
Oh one last note, today in church we were talking about the story of the rich man who asked Jesus what he had to do to get into the kingdom of heaven and the idea of Christians thinking they are above others came up. The pastor made an interesting point, to be hold is to be set apart, not set above. When I think about my journey and the destination, wherever that may be, I want to be set apart. As you may recall a few posts back talked about this. God wants us to be set apart from the rest of the world, to look, sound, be different than the worldly norm. At the end of my life I would rather be known for being set apart than to be part of the crowd.
I challenge you to think about it this week, and think about areas in your life where you can stand out and have more faith that God is there. Dreams happen and miracles happen but it takes stepping out of the status quo and comfort of our own plans to bring them to life in their full!
Continued prayer for health, healing, injury prevention and mental preservation is greatly appreciated. I have a rough road ahead but the reward for myself but first and foremost, God's kingdom is unimaginable. I believe.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Survival
“Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing,
drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you
suddenly like a trap. 35 For it will come on all those who live on the face of the whole earth. 36
Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all
that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the
Son of Man.” Luke 21:34-36
We spend much of our time surviving. Some people are successful and others sadly fail. I believe I am a survivor and I believe that every believer has the tools to survive. Jesus gave us a great survival guide and further still a great LIVING guide for life called the Bible. The verse above expresses a few items that we can be weighted down by and put us in a position where we have to fight for air. Anxiety, and fear of the unknown has had me challenged for air in the last few weeks; anxiety and fear of what our family is potentially facing, anxiety about my future in rowing, and what next month holds or even tomorrow. I am blessed to have amazing prayer warriors and a God that hears those prayers and lays the peace that passes all understanding over us all and this is how I begin to survive.
I have been reading a book called Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies and Why by Laurence Gonzales. It is an interesting read, not a faith based book, or at least not a faith in Christ. But he has several good keys to survival that I have realized are very pertinent in our lives, and whether he meant it or not, I would say it makes a good case for the importance of God and His guidance/discernment.
We spend much of our time surviving. Some people are successful and others sadly fail. I believe I am a survivor and I believe that every believer has the tools to survive. Jesus gave us a great survival guide and further still a great LIVING guide for life called the Bible. The verse above expresses a few items that we can be weighted down by and put us in a position where we have to fight for air. Anxiety, and fear of the unknown has had me challenged for air in the last few weeks; anxiety and fear of what our family is potentially facing, anxiety about my future in rowing, and what next month holds or even tomorrow. I am blessed to have amazing prayer warriors and a God that hears those prayers and lays the peace that passes all understanding over us all and this is how I begin to survive.
I have been reading a book called Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies and Why by Laurence Gonzales. It is an interesting read, not a faith based book, or at least not a faith in Christ. But he has several good keys to survival that I have realized are very pertinent in our lives, and whether he meant it or not, I would say it makes a good case for the importance of God and His guidance/discernment.
What survivors do (according to L.Gonzales)
- Perceive, believe (look ,see, believe)- This may not be faith based exactly but in any situation we find ourselves we need to come to the realization that we are in fact in need of help, or that our situation is potentially grave.
- Stay calm (use humour, use fear to focus)- Instead of panic, anxiety take that energy and be reminded to focus on Christ, who will be with us through our trouble.
- Think/Analyze/plan (get organized; set up small, manageable tasks)- I would say this is a good time for good solid prayer if you had not already done it and ask for clarity to think of the process to get out of the difficulty.
- Take correct, decisive action (be bold and cautious while carrying out tasks)- Trust God will answer your prayer and listen to His steady voice while you BOLDLY carry out His plan.
- Celebrate your successes (take joy in completing tasks)- Every step forward is a time to praise God and celebrate with Him, he is proud of you no matter how small the step, and you need to rejoice in the success.
- Count your blessings (be grateful- you're alive)- This encompasses so many things; be thankful for every little thing in life, the sun, the rain, the grass, seasons, a smile, children, food etc. Don't forget to let God know how awesome He is!
- Play (sing, play mind games, recite poetry, count anything, do math problems in your head)- Keeping your mind active and expanded gives great advantage when it comes to survival. It allows us to get away from the situation and relax. Spending time in the Word will increase our ability to witness and to get from A to B, it is our ultimate resource to be stored in our hearts and minds.
- See the beauty (remember: it's a vision quest)- See 5 and 6. God's creation around you can tell you a lot. It can also give you the answers you are looking for. God uses all sorts of things to lead you in the right direction.
- Believe that you will succeed (develop a deep conviction that you'll live).- It is not even about believing with Christ as it is KNOWING He has it covered! If we pray diligently and truthfully He WILL respond and often in greater ways than we can imagine. FAITH.
- Surrender (let go of your fear of dying;”put away the pain”)- At some point our trials start to tear us down and the evil powers in the world will beat you down. However, if we fully surrender our lives, problems, anxieties and even our successes to God we don't have to feel the pain.
- Do whatever is necessary (be determined: have the will and the skill)- To create change we often have to make tough decisions that can mean breaking some old relationships that are holding us back. It can mean giving up our safety blanket that we cling to "just in case", well this always needs to be done (see surrender). God will give us the strength and courage to stand firm! Pray and have faith.
- Never give up (let nothing break your spirit)- Seems like a stupid comment but there will be much fighting for your heart and mind from the bad things in this world. God is always alongside if we desire him to be (and even when we don't). Put out your hand and take His and no matter what the trouble you will walk hand in hand through it. With full trust, faith and surrender our lives and those around us will be changed. Nothing is too big or small, His love surpasses all understanding and His imagination is grander than any artist of this world.
I am a survivor. And although I have been struggling with knowing what my future holds, what next month brings and how I am going to afford to pay for it I know that if I surrender that fear to God He will be free to do His mighty work that He already began in me. I feel the same for my family. I have no idea why my mom, who is such an amazing woman of faith, strength and courage is constantly berated with illness but I am at peace (and I know the rest of my family is), a peace that passes understanding. For some reason God has given us such incredible peace, and the survival tools to know what could be ahead, but we are aware of the steps it takes to get to the end.Steps 1-12 and repeat.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Meant to be Courageous
If you have not read it, I posted, today, a post I had drafted a few days ago in the low point of my week and perhaps my last few months. I encourage you to read it as it may be the only time you see me so raw haha. No, but seriously it amazes me how different today is because of that openess with God.
A song called You Lift me up by a band called The Afters says it so perfectly;
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wraps around me
So I'm letting go.
I can see the dawn is breaking
I can see I'm overtaken
With your love, with your love.
And there is so much more to this song, and even more to the words that we can experience but what a great encouragement especially looking back.
I am fatigued from training, and I am fatigued from the mental and emotional challenges both rowing and life brings but somehow amidst that God has shown me some sunshine, literally and figuarativly (even if it was AFTER the rainy/windy morning practice haha).
I am done training for the day, a blessing. We were actually told to just do something easy like walk... or in the words of our coach, GO SHOPPING! haha I do have a few errands to run and will more than likely get some pineapple coconut scones baked (gluten, dairy, egg free of course) and amidst that I will be walking hand in hand with my Father in heaven. He gives me strength and if there is any river I should be seeking for refreshment HE IS IT!
Keep the prayers coming for me, for my mom, family and teammates. I will continue to do the same for each of you. I praise the Lord for each of you and your contribution to His kingdom.
A song called You Lift me up by a band called The Afters says it so perfectly;
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wraps around me
So I'm letting go.
I can see the dawn is breaking
I can see I'm overtaken
With your love, with your love.
And there is so much more to this song, and even more to the words that we can experience but what a great encouragement especially looking back.
I am fatigued from training, and I am fatigued from the mental and emotional challenges both rowing and life brings but somehow amidst that God has shown me some sunshine, literally and figuarativly (even if it was AFTER the rainy/windy morning practice haha).
I am done training for the day, a blessing. We were actually told to just do something easy like walk... or in the words of our coach, GO SHOPPING! haha I do have a few errands to run and will more than likely get some pineapple coconut scones baked (gluten, dairy, egg free of course) and amidst that I will be walking hand in hand with my Father in heaven. He gives me strength and if there is any river I should be seeking for refreshment HE IS IT!
Keep the prayers coming for me, for my mom, family and teammates. I will continue to do the same for each of you. I praise the Lord for each of you and your contribution to His kingdom.
My mind is like a building burning down...
(The following post was written a few days ago and in an emotional hurry to practice I did not publish)
I need your grace to keep me from the ground.
I have struggled to write lately. It sometimes seems like I have nothing to say, but as I thought about it, that was a sad excuse. Some of my reasoning has been a subconscious pride issue, embarrassed that my whole focus the last year or so has been on the Olympics and now that seems farther away than ever. It is another way to remind me to stay focused on God's plan but being human means I also get all the other emotions from discouragement to frustration and anger in the process.
So what I want to do is first say I am over it. I am still confused but I am ready to move on, wherever that may lead me. It has been a wild few weeks and I have learned things to take ahead with me. I am here in Victoria, with no clear indication as to when I will leave (April if nothing happens, later if I gain speed). More tests in patience, just when I think I have it figured out haha. I am grateful for the athletes and coach that I am working with and I know I will learn a lot, but instead of being frustrated with not being fast enough, I need to constantly remind myself that the goal may not for me to be #1 but to be a voice and light for him.
I talk about all of this "focus" and I will let you know now that I am not focused nearly as much as I should be, in other words, when I should be 100% focused on God, I probably weigh in at 50%, and let's be honest, that might be generous. For some reason I find it hard to have that mind when things are difficult and cold! Other times in life are quite opposite. I work to have 100% focus on Him and maybe one day it will happen, until then I strive for moments.
Okay, I need to stop for a second and be real. From the second I started writing, I have wanted to just be raw and I struggle with that. I think the most real I have been is admitting that my mind feels like it is burning down. My life is not terrible (see here I am doing it again, qualifying). Life feels terrible sometimes. I feel like I am falling backward in rowing, I feel like my spirit is tired, done with fighting and I can't see forward past one day. I fully realize that I am just in transition, in a new place, cold weather, new challenges and probably messed up hormones (training can do this sometimes, on top of just being human haha) but in the moment you just want to fall on your knees.
Some of this has been enhanced by family health problems. My mom who is already living with CML and recovering from heart surgery last year, had some problems with her lungs and upon further investigation the doctor found some swollen lymphnodes in the abdomen. She sees a Oncologist tomorrow but the first doc is thinking it resembles lymphoma. This is not confirmed and the doctor was not qualified to make a call so I hope for the best.
I cannot fathom how tired my mom must be. She is a mighty strong woman and it does not surprise me that she has made it through with many difficult life situations, but how strong your faith must be. She is someone who has taught me how to trust in God both in words and action. Really my problems are so small in comparison.
While I am being honest, I know you are reading this mom but you know I could never say it to your face, I am scared. I don't want to lose you. I don't know that I am ready to be without my mom. I know there is no reason to believe you won't be around for 10 plus years more but stuff like this makes you take life seriously. I have been so good at being strong for me and for everyone and maybe God is showing me how to be broken but I can't be strong. Not today.
Perhaps that is just it I really do just feel like falling over, giving someone else my head, heart and body to deal with. What did I say above? Focus? I think focus is great but I need to open my hands again. I NEED to fall on my needs or maybe even on my face and accept God's grace. This is it. This is me. Raw, and more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. God wants us to be real with him and so I guess this is it. I find my strength in Him.
I need you now Lord. I need you now. Capture my mind with you. With you, I need you Lord.
I need your grace to keep me from the ground.
I have struggled to write lately. It sometimes seems like I have nothing to say, but as I thought about it, that was a sad excuse. Some of my reasoning has been a subconscious pride issue, embarrassed that my whole focus the last year or so has been on the Olympics and now that seems farther away than ever. It is another way to remind me to stay focused on God's plan but being human means I also get all the other emotions from discouragement to frustration and anger in the process.
So what I want to do is first say I am over it. I am still confused but I am ready to move on, wherever that may lead me. It has been a wild few weeks and I have learned things to take ahead with me. I am here in Victoria, with no clear indication as to when I will leave (April if nothing happens, later if I gain speed). More tests in patience, just when I think I have it figured out haha. I am grateful for the athletes and coach that I am working with and I know I will learn a lot, but instead of being frustrated with not being fast enough, I need to constantly remind myself that the goal may not for me to be #1 but to be a voice and light for him.
I talk about all of this "focus" and I will let you know now that I am not focused nearly as much as I should be, in other words, when I should be 100% focused on God, I probably weigh in at 50%, and let's be honest, that might be generous. For some reason I find it hard to have that mind when things are difficult and cold! Other times in life are quite opposite. I work to have 100% focus on Him and maybe one day it will happen, until then I strive for moments.
Okay, I need to stop for a second and be real. From the second I started writing, I have wanted to just be raw and I struggle with that. I think the most real I have been is admitting that my mind feels like it is burning down. My life is not terrible (see here I am doing it again, qualifying). Life feels terrible sometimes. I feel like I am falling backward in rowing, I feel like my spirit is tired, done with fighting and I can't see forward past one day. I fully realize that I am just in transition, in a new place, cold weather, new challenges and probably messed up hormones (training can do this sometimes, on top of just being human haha) but in the moment you just want to fall on your knees.
Some of this has been enhanced by family health problems. My mom who is already living with CML and recovering from heart surgery last year, had some problems with her lungs and upon further investigation the doctor found some swollen lymphnodes in the abdomen. She sees a Oncologist tomorrow but the first doc is thinking it resembles lymphoma. This is not confirmed and the doctor was not qualified to make a call so I hope for the best.
I cannot fathom how tired my mom must be. She is a mighty strong woman and it does not surprise me that she has made it through with many difficult life situations, but how strong your faith must be. She is someone who has taught me how to trust in God both in words and action. Really my problems are so small in comparison.
While I am being honest, I know you are reading this mom but you know I could never say it to your face, I am scared. I don't want to lose you. I don't know that I am ready to be without my mom. I know there is no reason to believe you won't be around for 10 plus years more but stuff like this makes you take life seriously. I have been so good at being strong for me and for everyone and maybe God is showing me how to be broken but I can't be strong. Not today.
Perhaps that is just it I really do just feel like falling over, giving someone else my head, heart and body to deal with. What did I say above? Focus? I think focus is great but I need to open my hands again. I NEED to fall on my needs or maybe even on my face and accept God's grace. This is it. This is me. Raw, and more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. God wants us to be real with him and so I guess this is it. I find my strength in Him.
I need you now Lord. I need you now. Capture my mind with you. With you, I need you Lord.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The game plan
Happy New Year!
The year of the Olympic games has begun and today was the first official day back at the training center for the Olympic candidates. I joined them as my journey for this new year is yet to begin... or rather get moving. I will tell you though that the group of women left here in London are phenomenal. They work hard of course but their support of the WHOLE team is awesome. Today I got a later start due to a meeting and I had a fellow teammate sitting on a bike behind me cooling down who gave me some encouragement during my workout. It was a great feeling knowing that despite our different tracks this year I am still welcomed and supported by my peers.
So, what is my plan for the year? I don't believe I gave any indication in my last post of my direction. Here is the skinny:
I will be heading to Victoria BC ASAP to train with the 3 lightweights that we have. They are all great athletes who are going to be vying for only 2 spots in the 2x (double). My invitation to train with them was just as much for me as for them. By having a 4th body they will be able to train in the 2x more often and when it comes to selection they will all have had a chance to row with each other in their Olympic boat. When not training in a lightweight 2x (as a heavyweight) I will have my single to row and train in toward some European races later this summer. It also will give me the opportunity to see where my speed is and where it is headed, helping me to make decisions about the next Olympic cycle. If my speed and ability shows amazing things (Olympic podium speed) I am hoping that RCA will reconsider my status for the final qualifier, but it is not something they have told me they will do. Just a hopeful way to train :) And like I have said before, if God changes things, I sure want to be ready!
My trip to Victoria is not completely planned, and I don't exactly know how I will manage the finances but I trust the Lord in this. He has already set up a few graces here and there which I am grateful for. I believe I will be driving which I will be needing much prayer for, and hopefully have things in order to leave by the weekend. Things move quickly!
I am excited about being in Victoria but I am a bit wary of getting there. It is hard to know what weather will come my way and what the roads will be like, but I suppose that is better left in God's hands. It is not always clear what the path led by God is. It is my feeling that it should be obvious but for some reason my human brain cannot always process it so I am doing my best to pray and listen for His guidance for travel.
I don't know that I have much more to say right now. I think I am in a period of waiting on God, or rather it is a quiet period instead of a loud and obvious one. Funny when there seems to be so much going on around me.
I will write again soon and hopefully I will not have anything too significant to tell you about my travels besides answered prayer.
The year of the Olympic games has begun and today was the first official day back at the training center for the Olympic candidates. I joined them as my journey for this new year is yet to begin... or rather get moving. I will tell you though that the group of women left here in London are phenomenal. They work hard of course but their support of the WHOLE team is awesome. Today I got a later start due to a meeting and I had a fellow teammate sitting on a bike behind me cooling down who gave me some encouragement during my workout. It was a great feeling knowing that despite our different tracks this year I am still welcomed and supported by my peers.
So, what is my plan for the year? I don't believe I gave any indication in my last post of my direction. Here is the skinny:
I will be heading to Victoria BC ASAP to train with the 3 lightweights that we have. They are all great athletes who are going to be vying for only 2 spots in the 2x (double). My invitation to train with them was just as much for me as for them. By having a 4th body they will be able to train in the 2x more often and when it comes to selection they will all have had a chance to row with each other in their Olympic boat. When not training in a lightweight 2x (as a heavyweight) I will have my single to row and train in toward some European races later this summer. It also will give me the opportunity to see where my speed is and where it is headed, helping me to make decisions about the next Olympic cycle. If my speed and ability shows amazing things (Olympic podium speed) I am hoping that RCA will reconsider my status for the final qualifier, but it is not something they have told me they will do. Just a hopeful way to train :) And like I have said before, if God changes things, I sure want to be ready!
My trip to Victoria is not completely planned, and I don't exactly know how I will manage the finances but I trust the Lord in this. He has already set up a few graces here and there which I am grateful for. I believe I will be driving which I will be needing much prayer for, and hopefully have things in order to leave by the weekend. Things move quickly!
I am excited about being in Victoria but I am a bit wary of getting there. It is hard to know what weather will come my way and what the roads will be like, but I suppose that is better left in God's hands. It is not always clear what the path led by God is. It is my feeling that it should be obvious but for some reason my human brain cannot always process it so I am doing my best to pray and listen for His guidance for travel.
I don't know that I have much more to say right now. I think I am in a period of waiting on God, or rather it is a quiet period instead of a loud and obvious one. Funny when there seems to be so much going on around me.
I will write again soon and hopefully I will not have anything too significant to tell you about my travels besides answered prayer.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)