Moving forward

I think I have probably lost my audience by now, but I will write on as I can for my own sake.

The trouble with training in a high performance center is that rarely do you ever feel like what you do is enough, exceptional, on target or many other things.  I would say that when you are on top you might feel good for a bit but even then there is always a striving for more that takes the wind from your sails pretty quickly.
As I sit here I want to say how terrible I have felt the last few weeks, and honestly months.  I don't have the confidence I once had, I cannot seem to keep my motivation going when things get painful because I "just don't care" (or so that is my thought) and I see myself at the bottom of the pool in the on land testing and cannot shake the discouragement despite the fact I KNOW the message I am getting from myself is not the truth of the whole picture. 
I said I "want" to tell you how terrible things have felt but I guess I just did tell you.  The other side of it is that even in the shady place I am in, I know that God is looking out for me and keeping me from jumping ship (on goals, rowing etc.  Don't worry I am not on the deeply depressed train).  The last few days I have noticed that I have let myself drift a bit and it is not that I don't want to be close with God these days, but for some reason despite my desire to be close, I cannot get past myself to let it happen.  I took the first step and just opened my Bible last night, it happened to be to 2 Samuel since I had a tag in it, probably from a reading a while back.  I think God was pleased to see me move in that direction, and today I did feel a bit of that gap in our relationship close.  It takes work, not just trying.

Despite what I may be feeling or struggles I may be having, the team is moving forward, and at a rapid pace.  Our first big race is World Cup 1 in Australia in the month of March.  This means we have been preparing ourselves this fall on the water, and will take advantage of camps in the new year to get the water time needed for success in Australia.  The team has not been selected and will not for a while, but my goal is to be on it in some capacity.  I have many abilities which makes me a good candidate for the trip but at the same time there are many alike.
Today was our last day of training before Christmas, and despite icy waters we had some success today with workouts on the erg prior to a team BBQ.  It was a good day with the team, and I am going to miss having that training environment over Christmas, although I will enjoy family time with my husband and dogs as well as my siblings and their families.  Oh did I mention I am getting Lasik surgery done next week?  I am really excited to not have to travel with glasses, contacts and all the associated supplies.  Prayer for success and quick healing is always welcomed!

Thanks for keeping me in your prayer.  I hope you all have a wonderful Advent season!