It has been almost a month since I returned from Australia, and I know I am guilty again of not updating this blog. In my defense the internet was expensive and even after paying for it, I had limited usage and access; one way in which Australia is behind the curve.
On my flight home I had A LOT of time to mull over my trip, to think upon what was worth sharing and what I had learned and one of the things that struck me was the number of "firsts" I experienced on this trip. Some of those experiences were good, others difficult and challenging but in it all God was shaping me and sharing in the moment.
The first and obvious first was the trip itself. I had never been to Australia, let alone across the world. It was an amazing experience and opportunity that I may not get again for a long time. Travel was uneventful, and the atmosphere was friendly and light during training. In training I had a first, which was rowing in a tidal river, and if you have had that experience before you know how challenging it can be, especially if you are the one responsible for the crew. Fortunately our group had no firsts beaching ourselves and having to wait hours for the next tidal flow to get home.
The next big first was the reason we were Down Under in the first place, and that was to race World Cup 1. I have never raced a World Cup event. That said I have raced a World Championship event, just never the lead up event. My overall experience at the race course (the 2000 Sydney Olympic course) was great, probably the best course I have been on. There was a lot to soak in but little time to really fully appreciate the environment. What we did not miss on was plenty of racing. Over 3 days I raced 6 times, 50% in each the 4x and the 8+ and learned a lot about myself in both. The overall theme for me this trip was confidence. I became so paralyzed with discouragement and a sense of self doubt and worth, something that has been plaguing me since the early fall exploding with the death of my mom. The depression that I have been struggling with is dissipating but my time in Australia really tested me and although I am now aware of what was happening it took a while to get to that point, and I still have a ways to go in standing on two strong feet again.
Something that was not a first, but lead to a first, was another rib fracture which appeared in our training camp in Tasmania. It came on fast with really no warning but it was the response that surprised even myself. When I realized that I was facing another rib problem, I prayed that God heal my body, that he would hold my ribs together at least long enough to get me through racing with little to no pain. And for the first time in my life I actually TRUSTED that God follow through. I strongly believe that we pray far to often with little to no conviction. We think we are trusting but when we look at the greater picture we have set up so many safety nets "just in case". God did fulfill his promise and He managed the pain for me through the rest of our trip, and continues to heal my body as I train out of the boat until full healing. I continuously remind myself to let go and let God work.
Despite the difficulties I had physically and psychologically, God gave me insight enough to know I had to just get the job done and in the 8+ I had yet another first; my first medal at an international event. It was a painful race, as I had raced a few hours prior in the 4x final, however with focus and determination of our crew we crossed the line in 3rd, enough for a bronze medal, only an indication of the future potential. It was an amazing experience to stand on the podium and to realize that this is the fruit of many years of labour, and a gracious gift encouraging me to keep moving forward.
You know, I just had a thought, I was inclined to write that this result puts me on the map, and I almost thought, it makes me somebody in the rowing world. In many ways this is true, but before I could even get to that thought, I smiled and thought, how blessed are we, knowing that we are somebody no matter if we stand on a podium, have our names in the news, or spend our days at home taking care of family. We are precious and most important to our Creator; pure love.
I think I could go on about firsts but the last and probably most challenging was my first race without probably my biggest fan; Mom. Somehow traveling and racing was different knowing that she was not sitting at the computer trying to figure out results, or watching races from home. Often my first response after racing is to contact my mom because I know no matter the result she is excited, embarrassingly so, about the efforts and results. I am glad my mom never stopped being excited about the little things, despite how we (my siblings) and I teased her about the ear to ear grins, squeals of delight and just overall over joyous celebration. I now realize how much I needed that and how good it felt to know she was proud. And that is just it, I know she would be proud of me and what I have accomplished in the last few months. I would love her to be with me but I respect and honour the fact that God decided it was time for her to come home and He always has the best plan.
I want everyone to know including my husband, dad and siblings that I appreciate greatly your support and cheerleading. I am so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to keep me moving forward and seeing the greater picture. No one can replace my mom but everyone does a wonderful job of making me feel loved.
Firsts are sometimes scary, and sometimes they are exciting. I often think of this time in my life, post mom's passing as starting a new phase. I don't know exactly what it is but life is different now, and I am changing and working to balance, shuffle and embrace that. I hope that I can continue to please God in all I do and that He will direct my paths. Please keep praying for health, God's Will to be known and perseverance to finish the race God has set out for me to complete.
Here is to new Beginnings and Firsts of many things in the future.
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