(The following post was written a few days ago and in an emotional hurry to practice I did not publish)
I need your grace to keep me from the ground.
I have struggled to write lately. It sometimes seems like I have nothing to say, but as I thought about it, that was a sad excuse. Some of my reasoning has been a subconscious pride issue, embarrassed that my whole focus the last year or so has been on the Olympics and now that seems farther away than ever. It is another way to remind me to stay focused on God's plan but being human means I also get all the other emotions from discouragement to frustration and anger in the process.
So what I want to do is first say I am over it. I am still confused but I am ready to move on, wherever that may lead me. It has been a wild few weeks and I have learned things to take ahead with me. I am here in Victoria, with no clear indication as to when I will leave (April if nothing happens, later if I gain speed). More tests in patience, just when I think I have it figured out haha. I am grateful for the athletes and coach that I am working with and I know I will learn a lot, but instead of being frustrated with not being fast enough, I need to constantly remind myself that the goal may not for me to be #1 but to be a voice and light for him.
I talk about all of this "focus" and I will let you know now that I am not focused nearly as much as I should be, in other words, when I should be 100% focused on God, I probably weigh in at 50%, and let's be honest, that might be generous. For some reason I find it hard to have that mind when things are difficult and cold! Other times in life are quite opposite. I work to have 100% focus on Him and maybe one day it will happen, until then I strive for moments.
Okay, I need to stop for a second and be real. From the second I started writing, I have wanted to just be raw and I struggle with that. I think the most real I have been is admitting that my mind feels like it is burning down. My life is not terrible (see here I am doing it again, qualifying). Life feels terrible sometimes. I feel like I am falling backward in rowing, I feel like my spirit is tired, done with fighting and I can't see forward past one day. I fully realize that I am just in transition, in a new place, cold weather, new challenges and probably messed up hormones (training can do this sometimes, on top of just being human haha) but in the moment you just want to fall on your knees.
Some of this has been enhanced by family health problems. My mom who is already living with CML and recovering from heart surgery last year, had some problems with her lungs and upon further investigation the doctor found some swollen lymphnodes in the abdomen. She sees a Oncologist tomorrow but the first doc is thinking it resembles lymphoma. This is not confirmed and the doctor was not qualified to make a call so I hope for the best.
I cannot fathom how tired my mom must be. She is a mighty strong woman and it does not surprise me that she has made it through with many difficult life situations, but how strong your faith must be. She is someone who has taught me how to trust in God both in words and action. Really my problems are so small in comparison.
While I am being honest, I know you are reading this mom but you know I could never say it to your face, I am scared. I don't want to lose you. I don't know that I am ready to be without my mom. I know there is no reason to believe you won't be around for 10 plus years more but stuff like this makes you take life seriously. I have been so good at being strong for me and for everyone and maybe God is showing me how to be broken but I can't be strong. Not today.
Perhaps that is just it I really do just feel like falling over, giving someone else my head, heart and body to deal with. What did I say above? Focus? I think focus is great but I need to open my hands again. I NEED to fall on my needs or maybe even on my face and accept God's grace. This is it. This is me. Raw, and more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life. God wants us to be real with him and so I guess this is it. I find my strength in Him.
I need you now Lord. I need you now. Capture my mind with you. With you, I need you Lord.
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