Identity Crisis

When the world comes crashing down on you who is the one who is there to hold you, comfort you and tell you it will all be alright?  As a child most of us had a parent or two who could be that support,  as we reach our independent high school years we often have a good friend or two who would be willing to lend an ear or shoulder, college it might be a significant other, friend, coach or family member.  But funny as it sounds when you leave college and are out in the world on your own things start to feel a little more lonely.  The support groups we had may still exist in some form but it tends to be somewhat like an urban sprawl where everyone is a little busy and sometimes hard to relate to.  And as an athlete on your own, I think things can be even more lonely at times.  Yes there is a whole team who you can confide in, but when it comes down to selection and your fate in the sport those team mates and even coaches are the last people who you feel you can talk to.

Fortunately I have a great network of supporters whom I can call on whether they like it or not to listen to me or encourage me.  My parents are always great for expressing my feelings to, especially my mom, and my husband Matt gets to listen to my ramblings often, and even has experienced my spontaneous tears in stressful times.  But it is no surprise that I call on Jesus most often, when I have no one else to hug me or to tell me it is okay, He is there to embrace and comfort as well as give me a swift kick in the rear when necessary.  Although my mom rivals his listening skills He beats her out... just a little ;) and his hugs always seem to bring me to a whole different reason for tears.  It is my prayer that more of my team mates would truly know Him and EXPERIENCE his love and compassion.

This thought stems from the fact that today many women on the team found out what direction they are heading, and for some left them wondering which path they should take; rowing or something else.  Seems rather vague but it is.  Some of these girls have never had a "normal" life after college.  All they know for themselves is the sport of rowing, and have forgotten or have never really known themselves as a whole person with other talents and abilities.  I can see and I know from experience how scary this can be. 
For some of the women here their fate is unchanged.  They will continue to row and race toward a seat in an A team boat, others will vie for a spot on the B team which will be going to another international race at the end of the summer and some will either continue to train in hopes for next year or will say goodbye and start their next adventure (although I don't think it feels quite as positive as that right now).

I am one of the fortunate ones as I have been given a chance to show my speed for the A team once I am healed but I did think about what I would feel or do if I was not given that opportunity and despite trying to make myself feel all sorts of things, I am pretty darn sure I would be okay.  Yes I would be disappointed but at the same time, how can I be disappointed in what clearly was and is a part of God's plan.  But I have been through it before, after having a devastating leg injury in my senior year of college I battled with who I was without rowing, I even tried to hold onto the hope of rowing for a long time.  In the end it was not until I gave it all up that I started to see who I was without the sport.  I saw what other sports I was good at, and other areas of life that I thrived in.  I did get married which is a big change to ones role in life, and I think in my case it was when I found myself outside of sport that I was able to see rowing differently, and really sport in general.  This perspective has been helping me as I train now.  My life is not dependent on results of one sport, this is what I can do to give back and is how I can thank God for making me the way I am.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that by believing in God you will get to do whatever it is that you think you should be doing, but there will be no shortage of things you will enjoy even more if you follow his heart for you.

Today is a hard day for all, but a big day for the future of many wonderful women.  My prayers for the last week or so and even more so today is that these team mates and friends would find peace in what lies ahead, whether rowing is a part or not.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I am slowly going crazy...!

As I was out for a run on the trails yesterday I could not help but be filled with a sense of awe and gratitude for all I have been given.  They skies were blue, the grass green and even the Trillium flowers were in full bloom (for those that do not know the trillium is the provincial flower in Ontario).  I was plugged into my mp3 which happened to play a great series of songs by some Christian artists reminding me of the joy I have in Christ.
The last week or so has been tough, but not necessarily bad.  It has been 3 weeks since I was pulled from the boat with my rib fracture and although it has felt like twice that time, it dawned on me yet again the miracles that God works in our everyday ordinary lives.  Before Easter the team physio who has been keeping an eye on my injury told me it was very unlikely I would be getting back into the boat before the Selection trials that are happening here this weekend unless. he said in an unconvinced and slightly laughing tone, a miracle happened.  This injury typically takes a solid 6 weeks to heal up and although I will not be racing this weekend I believe that God is working his miracles to heal my body in perfect time.  I am still way ahead of schedule and as of today can row 2 minutes on the rowing machine each day!  Sounds like peanuts to most but it is such an encouragement to me.  Any little bit counts and allows me to see and feel the progress.

I am so grateful to have someone I can always trust in and leave my sorrows and stresses with.  My burden is lightened by God and I am almost tearful about the fact that I have not had a mental breakdown over this whole injury situation.  I see Him moving and so I am going to move with Him wherever that takes me and whatever it is I have to do.
Unfortunately not everyone has this security and in the last few weeks more girls have been added to the injury list, and funny as it seems the 2 others are 2 of my 3 roommates.  I never thought about it much but perhaps there is a reason for this I don't know.  In any case what saddens me is how lost they seem and how insecure they are in their injury.  It does not help that they both fight for whatever they get;  They work incredibly hard for every inch and they have wonderful personalities, I am encouraged by them often.  But they spend so much time lately worrying about their place on the team and what their time out with injury means to their future in the sport, or at least for this year.  The regatta this weekend is a big one for us as it ranks us and gives the coaches data to decide if we continue onto selection.  For those that are injured there are many possibilities depending on the results of those we train with.  I have less to worry about as I have by the grace of God been given great improvements before my injury which put me in contention for selection, but the other girls, like I said have to work super hard for every inch and feel uncertain about their place after this weekend.
I am rambling I guess, but what I want to get out is how important we can be to our teammates, roommates, spouses, friends, family, coworkers etc.  We may not always have a chance to share our faith verbally but like I said in my last post, we can lead by action and we can encourage these people by our faith.  Sometimes this even leads to questions.  People are curious about the joy of others who are in less than ideal situations, especially when they are searching for a safety net.

I am being taught all sorts of little and big things in what seem like silly life situations and often don't realize how sneaky God is about it all haha, like sneaking veggies into a kid's favourite dinner food or I suppose it would be more like the reverse sometimes haha.  We always have a choice to see the lessons and use them.

Well, those are my thoughts for the moment.  I am always blogging in my head, I wish I had a notebook with me at all times to I could stop and write when I think of things to talk about.  I am done my workouts for the day which included a Spin class at 6am followed by some stair climbing intervals and the arc trainer!  Woo hoo!  The program I have written for tomorrow reads; Stair Climber - Trail Run - Something not boring!
I am going crazy!  I need some new workouts!  If you have a favourite let me know I would love to join you some morning in spirit!

Mercies in Disguise

As I traveled to the airport last week for a quick trip for paperwork, I had no idea that my flights would be delayed, and I would arrive at my destination in the wee hours of the morning only to travel home soon thereafter in turbulence making for a less than pleasant journey.  Sounds pretty terrible eh?  Trust me it was not ideal.
However, amidst all of the chaos, bad weather, delayed flights and sickness I came out the other end with the mission accomplished, just maybe not in the way I had planned.

Isn't this often how it happens?  We pray and plan one way and God puts a twist on it just to make sure we are paying attention.  There are several things I learned during my trip, most of which was post journey and rest.

1.  Faith is believing the unfathomable and NOT trying to create a back up plan just in case something falls through.
-  My first flight was delayed and it looked that I was not going to make my connection, which was less than ideal as my appt at my destination was at 8am the next morning.  I prayed several times, begging the Lord to get our plane in the air, to calm the storms outside so I could make my connection.  I was positive and had a good attitude about the situation but I was slightly stressed on the inside about what I were to do if I did not make the flight.  It was at this point that I started with the back up plan.  I should have known better and actually there were a couple times where I told myself "just trust that He will make all things well".  Unfortunately I did not fully trust that and got off the plane to try and arrange something else.  Fortunately God does follow through and while at the gate trying to make other arrangements I was told that the connecting flight was also very delayed.  Thank you!  So I hopped back on the plane and shook my head at how silly I must look to God at this point.  If only I had just had enough faith, faith to move mountains.  He has always shown up so why not today too!  The next flight which ended up being more of the delay (7 hrs) was the real faith builder.  I had learned earlier that my attempts at controlling things did not work so I decided to sit back and fight my anxiety, which was made easier by an intoxicated woman next to me who entertained me the whole wait (nice lady just has some problems).  As it turned out the crew was determined to get us to our destination no matter what and had enough crew time to wait out the storms.  Sure enough He calmed the storms and we were able to take off!  If you want to move mountains you have to be strong and if faith moves mountains guess what we need to be to back it up.

2.  We are good old fashion Lights, none of this energy efficient or dimmer types.  Those around you are affected by the light you choose to be.
Thank the Lord, I was feeling rather positive during this trip, it sure helped me to stay calm and relaxed when stress was mounting.  Looking back at the day it was clearly that peace in God that kept me sane.  I may have had some human moments in my belief in prayer (well more not giving up the whole situation) but I think overall I managed to be a pleasant traveler which in hindsight could have been of encouragement to anyone during my travels.  I suppose I could also add that it is not just about being a light but also that the Lord has a plan for every situation.  Clearly I learned a few things but I imagine someone around me was affected by my attitude, such as the drunk woman next to me on the long delay.  I hope that I can remember this every day and be of encouragement more times than not.

3.  God's plan is not always my plan.
I eluded to this earlier but after thinking about my trip after getting some sleep upon my return, and thinking over how crazy it was.  A good story for sure.  However, it dawned on me that in the grand scheme of things, what I had prayed for and what the goal of the trip was had been achieved.  I had a limited amount of time and plenty of things going "wrong" that I had never really thought about it in reverse;  that is, the mission was accomplished and the way it happened is only distraction-  many ways to skin a cat as they say.  So in the end it is important for me to remember that 12 hrs of annoyance, pain, agony or whatever else is only the path.  The gift at the end is much greater and far more worth focusing on.

So this is my trip.  Great what you can learn in a little over 24 hrs eh?  Oh and what I did not mention is that my ribs were great the whole time, I was only mildly aware of any pain despite all the sitting and carrying of luggage through airports.  This was also a great triumph for me :)

Well upward and onward into a new week!  Still not rowing due to the rib fracture situation but I am healing well!  More cycling, stair climbing, Ellipticalling (is that a word) and Running (yes, this is my latest feat!  I can run pain free!).   Have a great week, keep things in perspective and spread a little sunshine!

Song for the week: Laura Story "Blessings"

Update

Just as an update to all of you who are keeping up.  I had my consultation with the doctor about my leg yesterday and we both decided it was best to hold off testing until my rib is healed and I can do the test using the rowing machine.  This will ensure more accurate results as it is what seems to agitate my leg the most.  It is dissapointing to not be further ahead, but I am doing my best to be patient and see things out. 
The hardest part of all of this is now the rib injury, as because of the set back in testing my ribs have been made more obvious to me as an issue, which is not healing as fast as I would like (it has not even been a week yet however.... patience, I know).  Just another test of focus that I will learn from.

For now I will be doing a lot of x-training to avoid pain and further injury.  Sometimes boring but necessary.  I am doing the best I can to stay positive, calm and on track despite a setback. 

Blessed Assurance

Today I have a quick prayer request.  I should have posted this yesterday, but asking for help is not typically my forte.
Today (Tuesday) I have a consultation and possibly a test for my compartment syndrome.  For those who don't remember my earlier posts, it is the condition that originally took me out of the sport of rowing.  It causes great discomfort during intense exercise and limits my mobility at times. 
Fortunately I have been able to adapt a bit to make things work for me to row again but the doctors I have talked to here feel it is important to have it looked at and dealt with if deemed necessary.  I have been so fortunate to have a great medical staff who has taken initiative in this and I got an appt for today which can be immediately followed by the testing.  This is not a common occurrence, so I know God has his hand in this. 

The consult will be somewhat simple and the doctor will either concur with the other doctor I had look at it, or she will look at other possibilities for the problem.  If she deems it to be a possible compartment case, the test will involve putting a large needle around the size of a turkey baster into the affected compartment to test the pressure.  I will then have to perform an activity that causes a flare up, and they will test again to see the changes in pressure.  If they are too great it will confirm compartment, otherwise I am no further ahead.
The tricky part right now is that because of the rib injury I have currently I cannot use the rowing machine, which is what tends to flare it the most.  My request is that you pray for the results to show what they need to despite the activity I do.  Pray that there are answers, even if it is not compartment syndrome, and if it is that the tests will show decisively.  I know the Lord has me here for a good reason, I know His plan is not completed yet in me, but I am also trying to rest in this assurance.

Thank you so much for your prayers, I often feel the uplift of what could only be your spiritual support and the Lord's peace.  Enjoy your week, reflect on God's great sacrifices, and the mission he set forth for us as we approach His forgiving, all loving death.

He has overcome this world.

Gossip girls (and guys)

Friday, and I almost made it through the week unscathed. Today I pushed it a little past the limit in regards to pain and now have to suffer a couple of days without the team.  What I thought was a pinched nerve in my shoulder seems to be a pending stress fracture in the ribs.  I have my ice, ibuprofen and heating pad so I am hopeful for a return on Monday.  This means I will have time to ponder and write while the team rows.

My topic for the day is unrelated to injury however, I thought I would touch the topic of gossip, or running with false information.
In the last couple of days I have really noticed how we as humans love to talk about drama.  We love creating it, being it, talking about it and even solving it.  On a team, gossip seems to be a mainstay and although it can seem harmless I have found that it often becomes a harbor of mis-information and feelings of anger or resentment.  We all make jokes about starting silly rumours but do not realize that they are happening all around us, perhaps slightly more believable but happening none the less.  I would love to say that I am not one of the perpetrators of gossip, but unfortunately even I fall into the trap.  Often times I think having that secret "news" while in a group of friends makes us feel important and accepted.  I mean who does not like feeling like they are the center of everyone's attention, and like you have the latest and greatest to share.  I have been attempting to stop my mouth from opening and spitting out what could be the most earth shattering news ;"did you hear what the coach said today about...?", it is not an easy task as I have to stand by, bite my tongue and battle with the two voices in my head.  However, I cannot believe how great it feels to not be involved in the talk.  It is not until after the topic has passed that I realize how insignificant and unproductive my comment would have been, but it sure makes me glad I did not say it.
Something along the lines of gossip and where I think many stories start are in miscommunications, misinterpretations and half heard conversations (of which we were uninvited listeners).  In the past week I can count at least 3 conversations that occurred in the team in which the gossip girl had only heard part of a story in which I knew the whole from first hand.  That is insane!  I am not without fault but imagine, 3 conversations alone in one week is crazy, not to mention that each of them was causing negative energy toward certain individuals.  One of these conversations I had the opportunity to speak up and set the record straight, which I felt good about, even if they continue to run with those emotions (of which I have no control).
This also takes me back to my arrival here and the warnings from other athletes about certain others.  I am so glad that I chose to develop my own opinions because I have learned so much more by seeing the whole pictures instead of one side.  It makes me a better racer and a more mature individual to seek truth or falsehoods in others opinions.
I am not sure how much sense all of this makes, but what I am trying to say is, before you make judgement on your opponents, and before you spread ill will or negative energy check your sources and get the whole story.  It saves you possible embarrassment, gives you an edge and really in the end you can know you took the higher ground. 

Renewing Strength

This post is long overdue, and to be honest I could fill pages right now.  Perhaps I will make an effort to write everyday for the rest of the week to catch up.
The last few weeks have continued on an upswing.  We are now 100% back on the water and have started to ramp up the work a bit, rowing 2x a day with weights, or core and pilates in between often with extra cardio for good measure.  I am starting to see more gains on the water from all the work I have done this winter which is always positive but my body has certainly been feeling the intensity.
I have a few nagging things but for the most part manageable which I am thankful for, as I said to the physio yesterday, I would rather have these problems that show me tiny chinks in my armor than have a big issue that blows the whole thing to pieces.  So here I am strengthening my armor one link at a time.

Moving into this week has been tough, I want to be doing everything but I feel tired and really just irritable.  It was really hard to wake up on Monday and feel positive, despite an "easy" row.  I can't say I have been perfect in dealing with it, but I will say I had a conversation with myself about it, and every morning I pray that I can have the positive attitude I need to stay focused and in the game.
Like I said, Monday was an easy day, to prepare us for 3x 5k with lactate testing in between on Tues, Wednesday with 4x 1500m with lactate tests and Today which was a repeat of Tues.  Well, Tuesday we woke to some nice weather albeit the wind, and to be honest it was hard to see the beautiful weather when the lake looked like it was about to swallow us whole.  So we hit the water, or rather it grabbed us and we made the best of the raging winds and water.  I definitely took time to pray as I knew my attitude was not the best and I prayed for the conditions that would best serve myself and the team down the road.  I guess winds were the verdict.  Either way despite struggling through it I made it out with the confidence that I could make anything work, even if it was ugly;  it is not about a perfect race it is about having less bad strokes than another.  So painful as it was I learned something and am still alive to live it out.
Wednesday was a great workout and I was able to do some head to head racing with another one of our good scullers.  Nothing more to say on that besides I have to stay within my race and not allow the external dictate my rowing... well to an extent.
Today was the repeat of Tues and it was far more revealing or so I think for our lactate levels as we were focused on rowing instead of staying afloat.  I had 3 good pieces and hope the results will show the same.  I still have some key things to develop and perfect but I continue to work on those daily and come race day I plan to have them down solid.

So, that is a bit of an overview of the last few days but I do have lots of other thoughts which I will share through the rest of the week.  It never ceases to amaze me how I am provided for and how the Lord takes care of not only the big but little things.
I leave you with an encouraging verse from Isaiah 40:31
^" but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;  they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."