Identity Crisis

When the world comes crashing down on you who is the one who is there to hold you, comfort you and tell you it will all be alright?  As a child most of us had a parent or two who could be that support,  as we reach our independent high school years we often have a good friend or two who would be willing to lend an ear or shoulder, college it might be a significant other, friend, coach or family member.  But funny as it sounds when you leave college and are out in the world on your own things start to feel a little more lonely.  The support groups we had may still exist in some form but it tends to be somewhat like an urban sprawl where everyone is a little busy and sometimes hard to relate to.  And as an athlete on your own, I think things can be even more lonely at times.  Yes there is a whole team who you can confide in, but when it comes down to selection and your fate in the sport those team mates and even coaches are the last people who you feel you can talk to.

Fortunately I have a great network of supporters whom I can call on whether they like it or not to listen to me or encourage me.  My parents are always great for expressing my feelings to, especially my mom, and my husband Matt gets to listen to my ramblings often, and even has experienced my spontaneous tears in stressful times.  But it is no surprise that I call on Jesus most often, when I have no one else to hug me or to tell me it is okay, He is there to embrace and comfort as well as give me a swift kick in the rear when necessary.  Although my mom rivals his listening skills He beats her out... just a little ;) and his hugs always seem to bring me to a whole different reason for tears.  It is my prayer that more of my team mates would truly know Him and EXPERIENCE his love and compassion.

This thought stems from the fact that today many women on the team found out what direction they are heading, and for some left them wondering which path they should take; rowing or something else.  Seems rather vague but it is.  Some of these girls have never had a "normal" life after college.  All they know for themselves is the sport of rowing, and have forgotten or have never really known themselves as a whole person with other talents and abilities.  I can see and I know from experience how scary this can be. 
For some of the women here their fate is unchanged.  They will continue to row and race toward a seat in an A team boat, others will vie for a spot on the B team which will be going to another international race at the end of the summer and some will either continue to train in hopes for next year or will say goodbye and start their next adventure (although I don't think it feels quite as positive as that right now).

I am one of the fortunate ones as I have been given a chance to show my speed for the A team once I am healed but I did think about what I would feel or do if I was not given that opportunity and despite trying to make myself feel all sorts of things, I am pretty darn sure I would be okay.  Yes I would be disappointed but at the same time, how can I be disappointed in what clearly was and is a part of God's plan.  But I have been through it before, after having a devastating leg injury in my senior year of college I battled with who I was without rowing, I even tried to hold onto the hope of rowing for a long time.  In the end it was not until I gave it all up that I started to see who I was without the sport.  I saw what other sports I was good at, and other areas of life that I thrived in.  I did get married which is a big change to ones role in life, and I think in my case it was when I found myself outside of sport that I was able to see rowing differently, and really sport in general.  This perspective has been helping me as I train now.  My life is not dependent on results of one sport, this is what I can do to give back and is how I can thank God for making me the way I am.  Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that by believing in God you will get to do whatever it is that you think you should be doing, but there will be no shortage of things you will enjoy even more if you follow his heart for you.

Today is a hard day for all, but a big day for the future of many wonderful women.  My prayers for the last week or so and even more so today is that these team mates and friends would find peace in what lies ahead, whether rowing is a part or not.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.