It has been a rough week. I knew that things were stressful and that I was on the edge trying to stay healthy, on my game and mentally prepared for whatever is tossed our way, but I don't think I realized how tense I was. I am not one to cry usually, and certainly no more than a few tears but today I had to let it go. I am not go into detail but let us say that things are a little up in the air right now regarding injury. I don't want to be vague but this is not the time to completely air my personal laundry for outsiders. What I will say is I have been praying hard about one issue and then that started to improve and then a 'new' one has popped up that scares me more. It is nothing that won't heal but today I let the fear and doubt take over and shed a few tears in front of a physio and then completely let lose on the phone with my mom. It is amazing how much crying can help you see clearly. It is like cleaning your windsheild. You don't realize how cloudy it is until you clean it and then everything is much clearer and brighter.
In any case as I continued my day of resting here at home amidst some packing (I am planning for the best) I was listening to some tunes and a song came on by Mandisa- Just cry . I took the title for this post from that song because it made me feel a sense of relief. In all my constant prayer leading up today I have been praying fervently while chastising myself for continually asking God to make things better; as if he would not hear and do on first request! Either way I think what it comes down to is I needed to let my prayers run down my cheeks, and cry out to God and pray with conviction. Faith is about believing and doing without knowing the end result and faith is about doing just that in the hard times as well as the easy. But even in those tears and my mis-directed prayer at times it is not as though I don't trust Him, believe or know he is redeeming everything, as the song I was listening to says, it is just that I am a child and I don't always get it right the first time. And I get caught up in my Will instead of His.
And as a side, I was reminded in the song that God can handle my honesty also. If I am angry, frustrated or scared he can handle what I throw at Him. I am sure it is not in His top 10 moments but those moments are for us, how we deal and often it is how God leads us straight back to Him.
So am I all fixed up and ready to go? Maybe, not exactly. Physically I am going to see some docs tomorrow to get checked out, so please pray for God's Will to continue to be revealed to me and how these trials can be used for His kingdom. Mentally, I am in better sorts, like I said earlier a good cry and a loving Mom can help with that. And spiritually, I am re-aligning yet again. One of those times where you check that your compass is pointing heavenward not inward.
One more thing, please pray for the team and coaches. For safety, for health and a good last week and a half of training and of course for the best conditions as we head into racing in Solvenia.
"Why do you gotta act so strong
Take off your brave face
And let your prayers run down your cheeks"
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