Hope in the Lord, He will renew strength

It is hard to keep my head on straight when I am fatigued, feeling a time crunch and comparing myself to others who in the end I will be faster than.be
Camp is going well, I am learning a lot from my new 2x partner (temporary as HE is male haha).  He is a multiple time world and Olympic champ and has so much great experience and way of explaining things that makes sense.  We have made some great changes in our boat and I am feeling like I should be stronger for it.  The catch comes when I get in the 1x.  I feel slow (and comparatively am) and have not been able to transition the technical changes from the 2x to the 1x completely...yet.  The most difficult part is the time crunch that is present but I keep imposing more on myself than necessary.

I am tired, my body is on the edge but I also know that good things can happen with patience.  God continues to be good to me and gives me strength when I need it most and I will continue to trust His plan for me.  What I need to do is start fighting against the powers of negative suggestion, spiritual battering and discouragement that comes through my own thoughts but most likely egged on my Satan. 
Most of you reading probably know me well enough to laugh at my constant battle of feeling fast enough or good enough.  I do realize how silly it sounds when other times I am so sure of the next step but it still does not change the feeling of being in a pit of frustration and discouragement. 

On a more positive note, I have been encouraged during a challenging piece by Isaiah 40:28-31;

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and  His understanding no one can fathom.

Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall;

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles;  They will run and not grow weary;  The will walk and not grow faint.

I just kept repeating the last part in my head as we crossed the line and I know Jesus reminds me in small things of His power and might.  I would encourage you to look closely at the entire chapter of Isaiah 40.  I just read over the whole thing again and man does it speak volumes to a people who were wandering the desert for YEARS!  An 8 day trip that was prolonged simply because they could not leave their lives to God's keeping.  I don't want to wander for years I want to stay focused and trust in God, not looking to the left or the right.

Despite my struggle I feel that I am going to come out the other side faster;  this is a time of breaking down then building back up stronger than before.  Patience, trust and courage are the keys to making it back on top.
Prayer requests:
-  Injury -  I have been holding up ok but having some rib issues that are manageable right now but hope to clear it right up!
-  Sleep!  I am not really sleeping well and most certainly need it.
-  I need to keep focused and free from Satan's grasp.  I want people to notice something different about me, so they will start to think twice about who leads their life.
-  Continued safety and recovery for all the athletes and discernment for the coaches and staff.

I thank God for my supporters, the ones I know and don't.  On hard days I can hear individuals cheering me on and reminding me of what I have set out to do. 

Live, boldly, hold open your hands and raise them high!

Week 1 of Sacramento Camp

After having 2 cars broken into on a lunch stop on our way to our training venue, one including a smashed in window leaving 3 athletes with no computers or other personal belongings including 2 passports, we arrived in Rancho Cordova CA for our 2 week long training camp.  Not always the best way to start a camp but fortunately no one was hurt and I won't lie that I was praising God that my bright pink bag sitting with 2 of the bags that were taken (which contained a jackpot of electronics might I add) did not even get touched.  I guess have an obnoxious coloured bag is a good thing.
So after the drama we eventually arrived to meet the rest of the team for rigging at the course.  It is really neat being back at a course I rowed in University for the NCAA championships 2 years in a row.  It is a course that I won the NCAA champion title in the 4+ (coxed four) but also a course where we struggled as a team.  It is a beautiful course and has a 7k stretch of water that we can row which is great for training but very fatiguing after being repeat multiple times a day.
My lightweight 2x partner found out before leaving Canada that she had a rib fracture so she is here with us but training on the bike path with a sweet road bike.  This meant bringing another boat so that I could partner with one of the men.  My new partner is extremely experienced in sculling and sweep and has multiple accolades.  This is great for me as he is able to give me some fantastic feedback that I understand and can put into practice.  Some words make sense and others make sense and also evoke a physical response, and he has the ability to get the sight, sound and feel all in one word.
I also have my single here but I will probably spend a few more days in a larger boat until I figure out the course and get acquainted with the way things go here.  The men get a little verbal and do not mind pushing for their space, so learning to push right back, minus the vocality (or so I try) is important.

All in all I am excited about the results of this week.  It is going to be fatiguing and I know I will have to be cautious of injury.  Please be praying for our safety here, injury free rowing, and good gains as we approach selection. 
Have a wonderful weekend, get out and enjoy some form of exercise.  And when you don't feel  like it just think of all of us here training to exhaustion, then a little walk will seem like nothing :)

Testing complete, now to prepare for the hurt of camp

Hello!

I was about to go to bed and was not quite tired so thought this would be a good time to write of my latest adventures.

This past week included a bundle of wonderful testing in a 24 hr period starting Tues afternoon and ending Wed morning.  After the previous week where I had never been so fatigued physically and mentally I was not sure how I was going to recover in time for testing.  Truth be told, I don't think I did completely, but everyone was in a similar boat. 
Tuesday morning I woke up, did a warm up paddle on the water then headed home to wait for the first test; a 6k erg (rowing machine) test.  I was confident from the previous evening workout that I could crush the erg but as I started to warm up I realized that somewhere in the last 12 hrs  my body had a whole new set of fatigue set in.  I did my best to wrap my mind around it and set out to reach my goal of sub 22'.
After some mental struggle due to the physical fatigue I came out the end of the piece at 21:57.  I was disappointed that I could not do what the night before had indicated but I was not upset with the sub 22.  It was after all what I set out to do.
I walked away and prepared my body for the next morning's first test, 2 times 2km in my 1x on the water.  I hopped into an epsom salt bath after a good meal with my adopted family here and headed to bed relatively early.
Wednesday morning I woke up to my usual routine and headed to the lake.  As I set out on the water I had to remind myself to take it one piece at a time and to stay relaxed.  I don't know that I was too successful at that but it is a work in progress.  It was not easy rowing but I was glad to have the wind calm for us briefly so we could get down the course with less extraneous challenges.  I felt good overall with my pieces, although they were not too fast I know I put what I could into them for the moment.
Next step and last test was the same work but in the 2x (double) with my lightweight partner.  These were not fantastic pieces especially after the hurt of the last 2 tests but we made things work best we could with little time we have been rowing together. 

At the end of the day I had learned more about my speed, strengths, weaknesses, and competitors (teammates).  Even in some disappointment you can find valuable information if you are willing to accept the kick in the shin or punch in the face.  That said the coaches seemed to be pleased for now and continue to encourage me to push ahead and work away.

I have noticed I have a lot more up and down days.  Some days and even hours of the day I am confident in my future here, and others I am unsure.  However, at the end of the day positivity and that gut feeling win over and I lift my heart, head and hands up and say "I know you've got things covered God, just help me do what I need to along the way".

Oh one last note, today in church we were talking about the story of the rich man who asked Jesus what he had to do to get into the kingdom of heaven and the idea of Christians thinking they are above others came up.  The pastor made an interesting point, to be hold is to be set apart, not set above.  When I think about my journey and the destination, wherever that may be, I want to be set apart.  As you may recall a few posts back talked about this.  God wants us to be set apart from the rest of the world, to look, sound, be different than the worldly norm.  At the end of my life I would rather be known for being set apart than to be part of the crowd.
I challenge you to think about it this week, and think about areas in your life where you can stand out and have more faith that God is there.  Dreams happen and miracles happen but it takes stepping out of the status quo and comfort of our own plans to bring them to life in their full!

Continued prayer for health, healing, injury prevention and mental preservation is greatly appreciated.  I have a rough road ahead but the reward for myself but first and foremost, God's kingdom is unimaginable.  I believe.

Survival

   “Be careful, or your hearts will be weighed down with carousing, drunkenness and the anxieties of life, and that day will close on you suddenly like a trap. ³⁵ For it will come on all those who live on the face of the whole earth. ³⁶ Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man.”      Luke 21:34-36

 We spend much of our time surviving.  Some people are successful and others sadly fail.  I believe I am a survivor and I believe that every believer has the tools to survive.  Jesus gave us a great survival guide and further still a great LIVING guide for life called the Bible.  The verse above expresses a few items that we can be weighted down by and put us in a position where we have to fight for air.  Anxiety, and fear of the unknown has had me challenged for air in the last few weeks;  anxiety and fear of what our family is potentially facing, anxiety about my future in rowing, and what next month holds or even tomorrow.  I am blessed to have amazing prayer warriors and a God that hears those prayers and lays the peace that passes all understanding over us all and this is how I begin to survive.

I have been reading a book called Deep Survival: Who Lives, Who Dies and Why by Laurence Gonzales.  It is an interesting read, not a faith based book, or at least not a faith in Christ.  But he has several good keys to survival that I have realized are very pertinent in our lives, and whether he meant it or not, I would say it makes a good case for the importance of God and His guidance/discernment.   
 

What survivors do (according to L.Gonzales)

1. Perceive, believe (look ,see, believe)
   -  This may not be faith based exactly but in any situation we find ourselves we need to come to the realization that we are in fact in need of help, or that our situation is potentially grave.
2. Stay calm (use humour, use fear to focus)
   - Instead of panic, anxiety take that energy and be reminded to focus on Christ, who will be with us through our trouble.
3. Think/Analyze/plan (get organized; set up small, manageable tasks)
   -  I would say this is a good time for good solid prayer if you had not already done it and ask for clarity to think of the process to get out of the difficulty.
4. Take correct, decisive action (be bold and cautious while carrying out tasks)
   -  Trust God will answer your prayer and listen to His steady voice while you BOLDLY carry out His plan.
5. Celebrate your successes (take joy in completing tasks)
   -  Every step forward is a time to praise God and celebrate with Him, he is proud of you no matter how small the step, and you need to rejoice in the success.
6. Count your blessings (be grateful- you're alive)
   -  This encompasses so many things;  be thankful for every little thing in life, the sun, the rain, the grass, seasons, a smile, children, food etc.  Don't forget to let God know how awesome He is!
7. Play (sing, play mind games, recite poetry, count anything, do math problems in your head)
   -  Keeping your mind active and expanded gives great advantage when it comes to survival.  It allows us to get away from the situation and relax.  Spending time in the Word will increase our ability to witness and to get from A to B,  it is our ultimate resource  to be stored in our hearts and minds.
8. See the beauty (remember: it's a vision quest)
   -  See 5 and 6.  God's creation around you can tell you a lot.  It can also give you the answers you are looking for.  God uses all sorts of things to lead you in the right direction.
9. Believe that you will succeed (develop a deep conviction that you'll live).
   -  It is not even about believing with Christ as it is KNOWING He has it covered!  If we pray diligently and truthfully He WILL respond and often in greater ways than we can imagine.  FAITH.
10. Surrender (let go of your fear of dying;”put away the pain”)
    -  At some point our trials start to tear us down and the evil powers in the world will beat you down.  However, if we fully surrender our lives, problems, anxieties and even our successes to God we don't have to feel the pain.  
11. Do whatever is necessary (be determined: have the will and the skill)
    -  To create change we often have to make tough decisions that can mean breaking some old relationships that are holding us back.  It can mean giving up our safety blanket that we cling to "just in case", well this always needs to be done (see surrender).  God will give us the strength and courage to stand firm!  Pray and have faith.
12. Never give up (let nothing break your spirit)
    -  Seems like a stupid comment but there will be much fighting for your heart and mind from the bad things in this world.  God is always alongside if we desire him to be (and even when we don't).  Put out your hand and take His and no matter what the trouble you will walk hand in hand through it.  With full trust, faith and surrender our lives and those around us will be changed.  Nothing is too big or small, His love surpasses all understanding and His imagination is grander than any artist of this world.
    
    
    
    I am a survivor.  And although I have been struggling with knowing what my future holds, what next month brings and how I am going to afford to pay for it I know that if I surrender that fear to God He will be free to do His mighty work that He already began in me.  I feel the same for my family.  I have no idea why my mom, who is such an amazing woman of faith, strength and courage is constantly berated with illness but I am at peace (and I know the rest of my family is), a peace that passes understanding.  For some reason God has given us such incredible peace, and the survival tools to know what could be ahead, but we are aware of the steps it takes to get to the end.  
    Steps 1-12 and repeat.
    
    
    
    

Meant to be Courageous

If you have not read it, I posted, today, a post I had drafted a few days ago in the low point of my week and perhaps my last few months.  I encourage you to read it as it may be the only time you see me so raw haha.  No, but seriously it amazes me how different today is because of that openess with God.

A song called You Lift me up by a band called The Afters says it so perfectly;
You lift me up with your love
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wraps around me
So I'm letting go.
I can see the dawn is breaking
I can see I'm overtaken
With your love, with your love.

And there is so much more to this song, and even more to the words that we can experience but what a great encouragement especially looking back.

I am fatigued from training, and I am fatigued from the mental and emotional challenges both rowing and life brings but somehow amidst that God has shown me some sunshine, literally and figuarativly (even if it was AFTER the rainy/windy morning practice haha). 

I am done training for the day, a blessing.  We were actually told to just do something easy like walk... or in the words of our coach, GO SHOPPING!  haha I do have  a few errands to run and will more than likely get some pineapple coconut scones baked (gluten, dairy, egg free of course) and amidst that I will be walking hand in hand with my Father in heaven.  He gives me strength and if there is any river I should be seeking for refreshment HE IS IT!

Keep the prayers coming for me, for my mom, family and teammates.  I will continue to do the same for each of you.  I praise the Lord for each of you and your contribution to His kingdom.

My mind is like a building burning down...

(The following post was written a few days ago and in an emotional hurry to practice I did not publish)

I need your grace to keep me from the ground.

I have struggled to write lately.  It sometimes seems like I have nothing to say, but as I thought about it, that was a sad excuse.  Some of my reasoning has been a subconscious pride issue, embarrassed that my whole focus the last year or so has been on the Olympics and now that seems farther away than ever.  It is another way to remind me to stay focused on God's plan but being human means I also get all the other emotions from discouragement to frustration and anger in the process.
So what I want to do is first say I am over it.  I am still confused but I am ready to move on, wherever that may lead me.  It has been a wild few weeks and I have learned things to take ahead with me.  I am here in Victoria, with no clear indication as to when I will leave (April if nothing happens, later if I gain speed).  More tests in patience, just when I think I have it figured out haha.  I am grateful for the athletes and coach that I am working with and I know I will learn a lot, but instead of being frustrated with not being fast enough, I need to constantly remind myself that the goal may not for me to be #1 but to be a voice and light for him.

I talk about all of this "focus" and I will let you know now that I am not focused nearly as much as I should be, in other words, when I should be 100% focused on God, I probably weigh in at 50%, and let's be honest, that might be generous.  For some reason I find it hard to have that mind when things are difficult and cold!  Other times in life are quite opposite.  I work to have 100% focus on Him and maybe one day it will happen, until then I strive for moments.

Okay, I need to stop for a second and be real.  From the second I started writing, I have wanted to just be raw and I struggle with that.  I think the most real I have been is admitting that my mind feels like it is burning down.  My life is not terrible (see here I am doing it again, qualifying).  Life feels terrible sometimes.  I feel like I am falling backward in rowing,  I feel like my spirit is tired, done with fighting and I can't see forward past one day.  I fully realize that I am just in transition, in a new place, cold weather, new challenges and probably messed up hormones (training can do this sometimes, on top of just being human haha) but in the moment you just want to fall on your knees.
Some of this has been enhanced by family health problems.  My mom who is already living with CML and recovering from heart surgery last year, had some problems with her lungs and upon further investigation the doctor found some swollen lymphnodes in the abdomen.  She sees a Oncologist tomorrow but the first doc is thinking it resembles lymphoma.  This is not confirmed and the doctor was not qualified to make a call so I hope for the best.
I cannot fathom how tired my mom must be.  She is a mighty strong woman and it does not surprise me that she has made it through with many difficult life situations, but how strong your faith must be.  She is someone who has taught me how to trust in God both in words and action.  Really my problems are so small in comparison.
While I am being honest, I know you are reading this mom but you know I could never say it to your face, I am scared.  I don't want to lose you.  I don't know that I am ready to be without my mom.  I know there is no reason to believe you won't be around for 10 plus years more but stuff like this makes you take life seriously.  I have been so good at being strong for me and for everyone and maybe God is showing me how to be broken but I can't be strong.  Not today. 
Perhaps that is just it  I really do just feel like falling over, giving someone else my head, heart and body to deal with.  What did I say above?  Focus?  I think focus is great but I need to open my hands again.  I NEED to fall on my needs or maybe even on my face and accept God's grace. This is it.  This is me.  Raw, and more vulnerable than I have ever been in my life.  God wants us to be real with him and so I guess this is it.  I find my strength in Him.

I need you now Lord.  I need you now.  Capture my mind with you.  With you, I need you Lord.

The game plan

Happy New Year!
The year of the Olympic games has begun and today was the first official day back at the training center for the Olympic candidates.  I joined them as my journey for this new year is yet to begin... or rather get moving.  I will tell you though that the group of women left here in London are phenomenal.  They work hard of course but their support of the WHOLE team is awesome.  Today I got a later start due to a meeting and I had a fellow teammate sitting on a bike behind me cooling down who gave me some encouragement during my workout.  It was a great feeling knowing that despite our different tracks this year I am still welcomed and supported by my peers.

So, what is my plan for the year?  I don't believe I gave any indication in my last post of my direction.  Here is the skinny:
I will be heading to Victoria BC ASAP to train with the 3 lightweights that we have.  They are all great athletes who are going to be vying for only 2 spots in the 2x (double).  My invitation to train with them was just as much for me as for them.  By having a 4th body they will be able to train in the 2x more often and when it comes to selection they will all have had a chance to row with each other in their Olympic boat.  When not training in a lightweight 2x (as a heavyweight) I will have my single to row and train in toward some European races later this summer.  It also will give me the opportunity to see where my speed is and where it is headed, helping me to make decisions about the next Olympic cycle.  If my speed and ability shows amazing things (Olympic podium speed) I am hoping that RCA will reconsider my status for the final qualifier, but it is not something they have told me they will do.  Just a hopeful way to train :)  And like I have said before, if God changes things, I sure want to be ready!

My trip to Victoria is not completely planned, and I don't exactly know how I will manage the finances but I trust the Lord in this.  He has already set up a few graces here and there which I am grateful for.  I believe I will be driving which I will be needing much prayer for, and hopefully have things in order to leave by the weekend.  Things move quickly!
 I am excited about being in Victoria but I am a bit wary of getting there.  It is hard to know what weather will come my way and what the roads will be like, but I suppose that is better left in God's hands.  It is not always clear what the path led by God is.  It is my feeling that it should be obvious but for some reason my human brain cannot always process it so I am doing my best to pray and listen for His guidance for travel.

I don't know that I have much more to say right now.  I think I am in a period of waiting on God, or rather it is a quiet period instead of a loud and obvious one.  Funny when there seems to be so much going on around me.
I will write again soon and hopefully I will not have anything too significant to tell you about my travels  besides answered prayer.