Is anyone still out there?
I realize I have taken a long sabbatical from blogging and so I do not expect many readers but I need to do this for myself.
My long hiatus has a lot... or rather everything to do with my Mom's death. Even writing that is hard because all I want is for her to be a phone call away.
As many can imagine, or maybe have experienced, life has been hard the last several months, and it is hard to believe that a year will have passed in 4 months. I miss my mom everyday, and some days I feel her absence more than others. I feel slightly selfish in admitting this but in my rowing life I feel her absence most. I did not realize until after our latest trip to Europe for World Cup 3 that she really has been the foundation of my support. My husband is a great support don't get me wrong, but my mom has been that role my entire life, and she was someone I could talk to about anything and I know she would be praying for me often, especially in her last few years. It is not until after her death that I feel how strong her prayers were as I feel their absence now.
Our latest trip to Europe culminating in World Cup 3 was a challenging one. I struggled emotionally and constantly doubted my ability, dedication and desire for rowing. I truly missed my mom and wished every moment that I could guarantee that upon my return home she would greet me with arms and smile wide ready to hear of all my adventures and the racing experience.
It was during this trip and post trip that I see how important it is for me to stay in contact with people. I have been shutting the world out and burying myself in the work of rowing only to find nothing at the end of the day except for more pain, suppressed tears and lack of motivation to do anything. So this is what spurred me to write again. It has been pressing on my heart for a while, but today is the day I start unpacking myself, unloading my baggage and accepting what God has for me in LIFE!
This song by Citizen Way called Sing Sing Sing, was actually the official culprit for my return to living and I have now listened to it about 5 times while writing.
The road is not going to be easy, and as many have said time heals but I also know that God heals.
I do not know what the future holds for me. I am not going to World Championships in a traditional role, but potentially as a spare in the event someone is injured, (a humbling experience) but I know God will make clear what HIS plan is, as he always has. I continue to need prayer for a multitude of things, but the biggest for healing and acceptance. I will always miss my Mom but I know my support system is greater than just she, I just have to let the change happen.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
A Season of Firsts
It has been almost a month since I returned from Australia, and I know I am guilty again of not updating this blog. In my defense the internet was expensive and even after paying for it, I had limited usage and access; one way in which Australia is behind the curve.
On my flight home I had A LOT of time to mull over my trip, to think upon what was worth sharing and what I had learned and one of the things that struck me was the number of "firsts" I experienced on this trip. Some of those experiences were good, others difficult and challenging but in it all God was shaping me and sharing in the moment.
The first and obvious first was the trip itself. I had never been to Australia, let alone across the world. It was an amazing experience and opportunity that I may not get again for a long time. Travel was uneventful, and the atmosphere was friendly and light during training. In training I had a first, which was rowing in a tidal river, and if you have had that experience before you know how challenging it can be, especially if you are the one responsible for the crew. Fortunately our group had no firsts beaching ourselves and having to wait hours for the next tidal flow to get home.
The next big first was the reason we were Down Under in the first place, and that was to race World Cup 1. I have never raced a World Cup event. That said I have raced a World Championship event, just never the lead up event. My overall experience at the race course (the 2000 Sydney Olympic course) was great, probably the best course I have been on. There was a lot to soak in but little time to really fully appreciate the environment. What we did not miss on was plenty of racing. Over 3 days I raced 6 times, 50% in each the 4x and the 8+ and learned a lot about myself in both. The overall theme for me this trip was confidence. I became so paralyzed with discouragement and a sense of self doubt and worth, something that has been plaguing me since the early fall exploding with the death of my mom. The depression that I have been struggling with is dissipating but my time in Australia really tested me and although I am now aware of what was happening it took a while to get to that point, and I still have a ways to go in standing on two strong feet again.
Something that was not a first, but lead to a first, was another rib fracture which appeared in our training camp in Tasmania. It came on fast with really no warning but it was the response that surprised even myself. When I realized that I was facing another rib problem, I prayed that God heal my body, that he would hold my ribs together at least long enough to get me through racing with little to no pain. And for the first time in my life I actually TRUSTED that God follow through. I strongly believe that we pray far to often with little to no conviction. We think we are trusting but when we look at the greater picture we have set up so many safety nets "just in case". God did fulfill his promise and He managed the pain for me through the rest of our trip, and continues to heal my body as I train out of the boat until full healing. I continuously remind myself to let go and let God work.
Despite the difficulties I had physically and psychologically, God gave me insight enough to know I had to just get the job done and in the 8+ I had yet another first; my first medal at an international event. It was a painful race, as I had raced a few hours prior in the 4x final, however with focus and determination of our crew we crossed the line in 3rd, enough for a bronze medal, only an indication of the future potential. It was an amazing experience to stand on the podium and to realize that this is the fruit of many years of labour, and a gracious gift encouraging me to keep moving forward.
You know, I just had a thought, I was inclined to write that this result puts me on the map, and I almost thought, it makes me somebody in the rowing world. In many ways this is true, but before I could even get to that thought, I smiled and thought, how blessed are we, knowing that we are somebody no matter if we stand on a podium, have our names in the news, or spend our days at home taking care of family. We are precious and most important to our Creator; pure love.
I think I could go on about firsts but the last and probably most challenging was my first race without probably my biggest fan; Mom. Somehow traveling and racing was different knowing that she was not sitting at the computer trying to figure out results, or watching races from home. Often my first response after racing is to contact my mom because I know no matter the result she is excited, embarrassingly so, about the efforts and results. I am glad my mom never stopped being excited about the little things, despite how we (my siblings) and I teased her about the ear to ear grins, squeals of delight and just overall over joyous celebration. I now realize how much I needed that and how good it felt to know she was proud. And that is just it, I know she would be proud of me and what I have accomplished in the last few months. I would love her to be with me but I respect and honour the fact that God decided it was time for her to come home and He always has the best plan.
I want everyone to know including my husband, dad and siblings that I appreciate greatly your support and cheerleading. I am so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to keep me moving forward and seeing the greater picture. No one can replace my mom but everyone does a wonderful job of making me feel loved.
Firsts are sometimes scary, and sometimes they are exciting. I often think of this time in my life, post mom's passing as starting a new phase. I don't know exactly what it is but life is different now, and I am changing and working to balance, shuffle and embrace that. I hope that I can continue to please God in all I do and that He will direct my paths. Please keep praying for health, God's Will to be known and perseverance to finish the race God has set out for me to complete.
Here is to new Beginnings and Firsts of many things in the future.
On my flight home I had A LOT of time to mull over my trip, to think upon what was worth sharing and what I had learned and one of the things that struck me was the number of "firsts" I experienced on this trip. Some of those experiences were good, others difficult and challenging but in it all God was shaping me and sharing in the moment.
The first and obvious first was the trip itself. I had never been to Australia, let alone across the world. It was an amazing experience and opportunity that I may not get again for a long time. Travel was uneventful, and the atmosphere was friendly and light during training. In training I had a first, which was rowing in a tidal river, and if you have had that experience before you know how challenging it can be, especially if you are the one responsible for the crew. Fortunately our group had no firsts beaching ourselves and having to wait hours for the next tidal flow to get home.
The next big first was the reason we were Down Under in the first place, and that was to race World Cup 1. I have never raced a World Cup event. That said I have raced a World Championship event, just never the lead up event. My overall experience at the race course (the 2000 Sydney Olympic course) was great, probably the best course I have been on. There was a lot to soak in but little time to really fully appreciate the environment. What we did not miss on was plenty of racing. Over 3 days I raced 6 times, 50% in each the 4x and the 8+ and learned a lot about myself in both. The overall theme for me this trip was confidence. I became so paralyzed with discouragement and a sense of self doubt and worth, something that has been plaguing me since the early fall exploding with the death of my mom. The depression that I have been struggling with is dissipating but my time in Australia really tested me and although I am now aware of what was happening it took a while to get to that point, and I still have a ways to go in standing on two strong feet again.
Something that was not a first, but lead to a first, was another rib fracture which appeared in our training camp in Tasmania. It came on fast with really no warning but it was the response that surprised even myself. When I realized that I was facing another rib problem, I prayed that God heal my body, that he would hold my ribs together at least long enough to get me through racing with little to no pain. And for the first time in my life I actually TRUSTED that God follow through. I strongly believe that we pray far to often with little to no conviction. We think we are trusting but when we look at the greater picture we have set up so many safety nets "just in case". God did fulfill his promise and He managed the pain for me through the rest of our trip, and continues to heal my body as I train out of the boat until full healing. I continuously remind myself to let go and let God work.
Despite the difficulties I had physically and psychologically, God gave me insight enough to know I had to just get the job done and in the 8+ I had yet another first; my first medal at an international event. It was a painful race, as I had raced a few hours prior in the 4x final, however with focus and determination of our crew we crossed the line in 3rd, enough for a bronze medal, only an indication of the future potential. It was an amazing experience to stand on the podium and to realize that this is the fruit of many years of labour, and a gracious gift encouraging me to keep moving forward.
You know, I just had a thought, I was inclined to write that this result puts me on the map, and I almost thought, it makes me somebody in the rowing world. In many ways this is true, but before I could even get to that thought, I smiled and thought, how blessed are we, knowing that we are somebody no matter if we stand on a podium, have our names in the news, or spend our days at home taking care of family. We are precious and most important to our Creator; pure love.
I think I could go on about firsts but the last and probably most challenging was my first race without probably my biggest fan; Mom. Somehow traveling and racing was different knowing that she was not sitting at the computer trying to figure out results, or watching races from home. Often my first response after racing is to contact my mom because I know no matter the result she is excited, embarrassingly so, about the efforts and results. I am glad my mom never stopped being excited about the little things, despite how we (my siblings) and I teased her about the ear to ear grins, squeals of delight and just overall over joyous celebration. I now realize how much I needed that and how good it felt to know she was proud. And that is just it, I know she would be proud of me and what I have accomplished in the last few months. I would love her to be with me but I respect and honour the fact that God decided it was time for her to come home and He always has the best plan.
I want everyone to know including my husband, dad and siblings that I appreciate greatly your support and cheerleading. I am so incredibly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life to keep me moving forward and seeing the greater picture. No one can replace my mom but everyone does a wonderful job of making me feel loved.
Firsts are sometimes scary, and sometimes they are exciting. I often think of this time in my life, post mom's passing as starting a new phase. I don't know exactly what it is but life is different now, and I am changing and working to balance, shuffle and embrace that. I hope that I can continue to please God in all I do and that He will direct my paths. Please keep praying for health, God's Will to be known and perseverance to finish the race God has set out for me to complete.
Here is to new Beginnings and Firsts of many things in the future.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
A trip Down Under
Since mom passed away I have neglected to stay on top of blogging. To say I had no desire is an understatement, I just needed time.
Over the last month or so I have thought about posting but have not taken the time to do so. That changed this morning when I got a message from a friend and cheerleader reminding me kindly that she reads my blog and that she would continue to do so. I think I was getting a little nudge to say, "it is time", and I know she was right.
So here we are back in business and on the road. I cannot fill you in completely on the last few months, but fortunately nothing more than hard training and a great training camp has happened. Did I mention that I was selected for the World Cup 1 team for both the 4x (quad) and 8+? Well, I was and you now read a post written Down Under!
After 24 hrs of travel our team of about 13 plus 1 coach arrivedin Australia, specifically our training course in Tasmania. And in less than 10 days we depart for Penerith, the home of the Sydney Olympic rowing course to race World Cup 1.
The weather is pretty hot, and it would seem that the Aussies handle this heat better than we, as our AC consists of a fan and what looks like a dehumidifier which as we were told yesterday will blow cooler air if you add ice; I am not convinced. Rows are sweaty and hot but beauitiful and the people are easy to get along with.
Our coach who is from the Launceston (the city we are in), took us on our first running adventure yesterday to find wallabies. We laughed at him when he arrived in Canada and got excited at his first sight of a racoon; I think he got his payback. We look forward to other sightings of Aussie wildlife and hope it does not also involve a trip to the hospital (just about everything is poinsonous or deadly).
We are all adjusting to the trip around the world, and as we sit on day 4 our coach is bracing for the moody, tearfilled rows that could ensue as we make the final adjustment in time. Fortunately we are all pretty self aware and make efforts to stay out of each others way during this time haha.
As far as my own personal journey, I am feeling more like myself. Time does heal in many ways, but acceptance also. I miss my mom and on a trip like this it is hard not to be emotional at times knowing how proud she would be. I know I have a lot of support and cheerleaders around the country but there is nothing quite like a mom's support.
I am still making changes as I need to in order to gain speed, but patience is the name of the game and I am doing what I can to stay in it. God still provides me with the strength I need, the support and friendships that get me through, even when I am not always the best in return. Matt, continues to be patient and supportive as I pursue this dream, something I continue to be grateful for every day.
As my mom wrote multiple times in one of her journals; "The heart of the King is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water, he turns it wherever he wishes" Proverbs 21:1
Over the last month or so I have thought about posting but have not taken the time to do so. That changed this morning when I got a message from a friend and cheerleader reminding me kindly that she reads my blog and that she would continue to do so. I think I was getting a little nudge to say, "it is time", and I know she was right.
So here we are back in business and on the road. I cannot fill you in completely on the last few months, but fortunately nothing more than hard training and a great training camp has happened. Did I mention that I was selected for the World Cup 1 team for both the 4x (quad) and 8+? Well, I was and you now read a post written Down Under!
After 24 hrs of travel our team of about 13 plus 1 coach arrivedin Australia, specifically our training course in Tasmania. And in less than 10 days we depart for Penerith, the home of the Sydney Olympic rowing course to race World Cup 1.
The weather is pretty hot, and it would seem that the Aussies handle this heat better than we, as our AC consists of a fan and what looks like a dehumidifier which as we were told yesterday will blow cooler air if you add ice; I am not convinced. Rows are sweaty and hot but beauitiful and the people are easy to get along with.
Our coach who is from the Launceston (the city we are in), took us on our first running adventure yesterday to find wallabies. We laughed at him when he arrived in Canada and got excited at his first sight of a racoon; I think he got his payback. We look forward to other sightings of Aussie wildlife and hope it does not also involve a trip to the hospital (just about everything is poinsonous or deadly).
We are all adjusting to the trip around the world, and as we sit on day 4 our coach is bracing for the moody, tearfilled rows that could ensue as we make the final adjustment in time. Fortunately we are all pretty self aware and make efforts to stay out of each others way during this time haha.
As far as my own personal journey, I am feeling more like myself. Time does heal in many ways, but acceptance also. I miss my mom and on a trip like this it is hard not to be emotional at times knowing how proud she would be. I know I have a lot of support and cheerleaders around the country but there is nothing quite like a mom's support.
I am still making changes as I need to in order to gain speed, but patience is the name of the game and I am doing what I can to stay in it. God still provides me with the strength I need, the support and friendships that get me through, even when I am not always the best in return. Matt, continues to be patient and supportive as I pursue this dream, something I continue to be grateful for every day.
As my mom wrote multiple times in one of her journals; "The heart of the King is in the hands of the Lord, like rivers of water, he turns it wherever he wishes" Proverbs 21:1
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Moving forward
I think I have probably lost my audience by now, but I will write on as I can for my own sake.
The trouble with training in a high performance center is that rarely do you ever feel like what you do is enough, exceptional, on target or many other things. I would say that when you are on top you might feel good for a bit but even then there is always a striving for more that takes the wind from your sails pretty quickly.
As I sit here I want to say how terrible I have felt the last few weeks, and honestly months. I don't have the confidence I once had, I cannot seem to keep my motivation going when things get painful because I "just don't care" (or so that is my thought) and I see myself at the bottom of the pool in the on land testing and cannot shake the discouragement despite the fact I KNOW the message I am getting from myself is not the truth of the whole picture.
I said I "want" to tell you how terrible things have felt but I guess I just did tell you. The other side of it is that even in the shady place I am in, I know that God is looking out for me and keeping me from jumping ship (on goals, rowing etc. Don't worry I am not on the deeply depressed train). The last few days I have noticed that I have let myself drift a bit and it is not that I don't want to be close with God these days, but for some reason despite my desire to be close, I cannot get past myself to let it happen. I took the first step and just opened my Bible last night, it happened to be to 2 Samuel since I had a tag in it, probably from a reading a while back. I think God was pleased to see me move in that direction, and today I did feel a bit of that gap in our relationship close. It takes work, not just trying.
Despite what I may be feeling or struggles I may be having, the team is moving forward, and at a rapid pace. Our first big race is World Cup 1 in Australia in the month of March. This means we have been preparing ourselves this fall on the water, and will take advantage of camps in the new year to get the water time needed for success in Australia. The team has not been selected and will not for a while, but my goal is to be on it in some capacity. I have many abilities which makes me a good candidate for the trip but at the same time there are many alike.
Today was our last day of training before Christmas, and despite icy waters we had some success today with workouts on the erg prior to a team BBQ. It was a good day with the team, and I am going to miss having that training environment over Christmas, although I will enjoy family time with my husband and dogs as well as my siblings and their families. Oh did I mention I am getting Lasik surgery done next week? I am really excited to not have to travel with glasses, contacts and all the associated supplies. Prayer for success and quick healing is always welcomed!
Thanks for keeping me in your prayer. I hope you all have a wonderful Advent season!
The trouble with training in a high performance center is that rarely do you ever feel like what you do is enough, exceptional, on target or many other things. I would say that when you are on top you might feel good for a bit but even then there is always a striving for more that takes the wind from your sails pretty quickly.
As I sit here I want to say how terrible I have felt the last few weeks, and honestly months. I don't have the confidence I once had, I cannot seem to keep my motivation going when things get painful because I "just don't care" (or so that is my thought) and I see myself at the bottom of the pool in the on land testing and cannot shake the discouragement despite the fact I KNOW the message I am getting from myself is not the truth of the whole picture.
I said I "want" to tell you how terrible things have felt but I guess I just did tell you. The other side of it is that even in the shady place I am in, I know that God is looking out for me and keeping me from jumping ship (on goals, rowing etc. Don't worry I am not on the deeply depressed train). The last few days I have noticed that I have let myself drift a bit and it is not that I don't want to be close with God these days, but for some reason despite my desire to be close, I cannot get past myself to let it happen. I took the first step and just opened my Bible last night, it happened to be to 2 Samuel since I had a tag in it, probably from a reading a while back. I think God was pleased to see me move in that direction, and today I did feel a bit of that gap in our relationship close. It takes work, not just trying.
Despite what I may be feeling or struggles I may be having, the team is moving forward, and at a rapid pace. Our first big race is World Cup 1 in Australia in the month of March. This means we have been preparing ourselves this fall on the water, and will take advantage of camps in the new year to get the water time needed for success in Australia. The team has not been selected and will not for a while, but my goal is to be on it in some capacity. I have many abilities which makes me a good candidate for the trip but at the same time there are many alike.
Today was our last day of training before Christmas, and despite icy waters we had some success today with workouts on the erg prior to a team BBQ. It was a good day with the team, and I am going to miss having that training environment over Christmas, although I will enjoy family time with my husband and dogs as well as my siblings and their families. Oh did I mention I am getting Lasik surgery done next week? I am really excited to not have to travel with glasses, contacts and all the associated supplies. Prayer for success and quick healing is always welcomed!
Thanks for keeping me in your prayer. I hope you all have a wonderful Advent season!
Friday, November 30, 2012
The End is where we Begin
I have heard it said that one of the hardest things after you lose someone is going back to work. I would have to agree.
A little over a week ago I lost my Mom. She was only 63 and my biggest supporter. I was only gone from the training environment for a little over a week but when it came closer to returning to the training center I started to feel sick, and nervous about the whole thing. The rational side of me could not understand why I should feel such a way especially since I wanted to be training to keep my mind occupied and my eyes dry but the other side started to analyze and figure out what the root of the feelings were. Here is what I came up with;
1. The Pity Eyes- I hate being the center of attention (great for sport eh) and I dislike even more feeling like people are treating me softly because they are afraid of my fragility or that I need some space. I appreciate the sentiment but I want to be treated like everyone else, especially in the training environment where every day counts. In this I also realize that the coach understands things differently but I don't want to read on their face that I am being given a little extra room to breathe.
2. The Spontaneous Waterworks- I do my best to keep my emotions under the radar. It works in my favour a lot in sport especially when having to work with team mates with roller coaster personalities. They don't bug me so much and I can level them out. However, since my mom passed I cannot seem to control the tears. Sobbing I seem to have under control now, but I can't lie, the ugly cry still happens every so often, and I fear it will continue for a while. It just makes it worse when you know people are going to ask how you are doing or worse they are talking about something completely unrelated reminding me of my mom sending me into the breath holding to suppress the inevitable tears. I would rather avoid these situations.
3. Leaving the Nest.... Again- In the short time I had home to celebrate my mom's life (which I will continue to celebrate every day of mine) I spent every day with my siblings and dad just going through things, hanging out, eating... more eating... playing with the kiddos etc and all without my mom. It is kind of like our family has pressed a "reset" button and we are learning to do it all again. My support network has changed a bit and it was hard to fathom leaving it again. Just like leaving for college.
4. Life Without - The number one reason I think I had such a sense of fear in returning here is that I am without my #1 fan. I know she is with me in many ways, but life from here on out will be different. I won't have my mom sending me emails with an encouraging verse or quote, or phone calls to just talk about whatever is going on. There will be no more hope of a gentle warm hug upon arriving home or the silly gifts she would give on occasion. Life is different, and training is different without her.
In all this discovery I had to make decisions as to how I was going to cope. I make it sound like I thought very structurally about it all, but it has been a smattering of thoughts and feelings in the last week or so since returning to my training home. One of the first things I had to remember was to take care of my health. It is not uncommon after stressful situations (my life has been upside down for months now and also had Canadian Nationals just before my mom passed) to get sick. And since most of my team mates seem to be sick with something I realized even before I left for the funeral etc that I had to step up my nutrition game. I made a point to eat as well as I could even when i did not feel up to it, and keep my Ultragen recovery regime post workouts. I also took care to sleep when possible and to not stress over how much training I was missing.
The other big thing I have been working on is to not make any big decisions and to not allow the loss of a parent to translate into, "I cannot do this anymore without her". I think it is easy for anyone who suffers deep loss whether it be a person, animal or even sport to make hasty decisions that may be regretted later. Lately I have felt semi apathetic. I don't have the same little edge that I did before that pushed me to add the extra kilo on squats or push the extra bit to get ahead on the water. I have moments and I believe it will return, but that is the key, you have to trust in your past and potential. It did not change overnight, the circumstance just did.
So as I proceed with training, I do my best to be patient with myself and give myself time to adjust to this new life/circumstance. I know my mom would be proud to see me move forward.
As it turns out the return was relatively painless (despite entering back during a high intensity week), and instead of being overwhelmed I have been pretty stress free. I have managed to stay away from illness and get to every workout with decent energy. I would love to say it was just that I have a strong immune system or that I am tough as nails but I think it comes down to being in tune with your body and taking the time to think through things with your heart and your head. Things will come back, and life will move forward, just maybe a little differently than originally planned.
A little over a week ago I lost my Mom. She was only 63 and my biggest supporter. I was only gone from the training environment for a little over a week but when it came closer to returning to the training center I started to feel sick, and nervous about the whole thing. The rational side of me could not understand why I should feel such a way especially since I wanted to be training to keep my mind occupied and my eyes dry but the other side started to analyze and figure out what the root of the feelings were. Here is what I came up with;
1. The Pity Eyes- I hate being the center of attention (great for sport eh) and I dislike even more feeling like people are treating me softly because they are afraid of my fragility or that I need some space. I appreciate the sentiment but I want to be treated like everyone else, especially in the training environment where every day counts. In this I also realize that the coach understands things differently but I don't want to read on their face that I am being given a little extra room to breathe.
2. The Spontaneous Waterworks- I do my best to keep my emotions under the radar. It works in my favour a lot in sport especially when having to work with team mates with roller coaster personalities. They don't bug me so much and I can level them out. However, since my mom passed I cannot seem to control the tears. Sobbing I seem to have under control now, but I can't lie, the ugly cry still happens every so often, and I fear it will continue for a while. It just makes it worse when you know people are going to ask how you are doing or worse they are talking about something completely unrelated reminding me of my mom sending me into the breath holding to suppress the inevitable tears. I would rather avoid these situations.
3. Leaving the Nest.... Again- In the short time I had home to celebrate my mom's life (which I will continue to celebrate every day of mine) I spent every day with my siblings and dad just going through things, hanging out, eating... more eating... playing with the kiddos etc and all without my mom. It is kind of like our family has pressed a "reset" button and we are learning to do it all again. My support network has changed a bit and it was hard to fathom leaving it again. Just like leaving for college.
4. Life Without - The number one reason I think I had such a sense of fear in returning here is that I am without my #1 fan. I know she is with me in many ways, but life from here on out will be different. I won't have my mom sending me emails with an encouraging verse or quote, or phone calls to just talk about whatever is going on. There will be no more hope of a gentle warm hug upon arriving home or the silly gifts she would give on occasion. Life is different, and training is different without her.
In all this discovery I had to make decisions as to how I was going to cope. I make it sound like I thought very structurally about it all, but it has been a smattering of thoughts and feelings in the last week or so since returning to my training home. One of the first things I had to remember was to take care of my health. It is not uncommon after stressful situations (my life has been upside down for months now and also had Canadian Nationals just before my mom passed) to get sick. And since most of my team mates seem to be sick with something I realized even before I left for the funeral etc that I had to step up my nutrition game. I made a point to eat as well as I could even when i did not feel up to it, and keep my Ultragen recovery regime post workouts. I also took care to sleep when possible and to not stress over how much training I was missing.
The other big thing I have been working on is to not make any big decisions and to not allow the loss of a parent to translate into, "I cannot do this anymore without her". I think it is easy for anyone who suffers deep loss whether it be a person, animal or even sport to make hasty decisions that may be regretted later. Lately I have felt semi apathetic. I don't have the same little edge that I did before that pushed me to add the extra kilo on squats or push the extra bit to get ahead on the water. I have moments and I believe it will return, but that is the key, you have to trust in your past and potential. It did not change overnight, the circumstance just did.
So as I proceed with training, I do my best to be patient with myself and give myself time to adjust to this new life/circumstance. I know my mom would be proud to see me move forward.
As it turns out the return was relatively painless (despite entering back during a high intensity week), and instead of being overwhelmed I have been pretty stress free. I have managed to stay away from illness and get to every workout with decent energy. I would love to say it was just that I have a strong immune system or that I am tough as nails but I think it comes down to being in tune with your body and taking the time to think through things with your heart and your head. Things will come back, and life will move forward, just maybe a little differently than originally planned.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
"But, I don't want to"
Somehow the post title seemed right. I am posting but I really don't feel like it. It is not that I am feeling lazy exactly but I just don't want to. I guess it has a bit to do with the fact that if I post I will inevitably write the following, I am tired, I am overly emotional these days and I don't really want to face potential reasons for any of them.
A few contributing factors:
- Low in Vit D (this is actually true the doctor asked if I had spent any time in the sun this summer...)
- Hard training paired with RADAR testing that is just going wonderfully (catch the sarcasm).
- Mom's health and the frustration of her care and the fatigue I get when I think of how she must feel.
- Being away from my husband and 2 dogs.
Some of these seem kinda silly maybe and I am trying to let God take my worries, and sometimes I am able but other times I have a hard time opening my hands all the way, I THINK I am but how I feel tells me otherwise.
There are times I am angry. Other times I am just sad and just want to cry even when I have no idea why. I have so much support but at the same time feel lost in everything.
I have tried to talk to God but something always stands in my way from fully hearing and feeling Him. Another odd comment and I realize that I am probably the only one who can remove that barrier but I think that I am afraid of what the barrier is; anger. When I think about it I am not exactly angry at God but at the same time it is the only word I can pare it all down to. He has done immeasurably more for me and continues to take care of my family and somehow I still feel it ok to be angry? Maybe I need to sit at His feet again and just sit, maybe cry or yell or all the above. All I know is that whatever is eating my heart needs to go.
There is another part of me that wonders if all of this is just fatigue mixed with hormones and a rough training week and that next week my eyes will be opened again and heart lifted. Part of me really hopes that is true but I think it will only be a temporary fix.
So, how is that for depressing? I like that I can write here and know that maybe one or no one will read but it does allow me to say what I feel without any glaring repercussions. I appreciate the sounding board and more than invite feedback or stories of your struggles. We are in this together, the whole Christian walk so maybe that is what this blog post is about, walking through the mud together when there is fog all around. Together we can trudge through it and find the clarity we seek.
A few contributing factors:
- Low in Vit D (this is actually true the doctor asked if I had spent any time in the sun this summer...)
- Hard training paired with RADAR testing that is just going wonderfully (catch the sarcasm).
- Mom's health and the frustration of her care and the fatigue I get when I think of how she must feel.
- Being away from my husband and 2 dogs.
Some of these seem kinda silly maybe and I am trying to let God take my worries, and sometimes I am able but other times I have a hard time opening my hands all the way, I THINK I am but how I feel tells me otherwise.
There are times I am angry. Other times I am just sad and just want to cry even when I have no idea why. I have so much support but at the same time feel lost in everything.
I have tried to talk to God but something always stands in my way from fully hearing and feeling Him. Another odd comment and I realize that I am probably the only one who can remove that barrier but I think that I am afraid of what the barrier is; anger. When I think about it I am not exactly angry at God but at the same time it is the only word I can pare it all down to. He has done immeasurably more for me and continues to take care of my family and somehow I still feel it ok to be angry? Maybe I need to sit at His feet again and just sit, maybe cry or yell or all the above. All I know is that whatever is eating my heart needs to go.
There is another part of me that wonders if all of this is just fatigue mixed with hormones and a rough training week and that next week my eyes will be opened again and heart lifted. Part of me really hopes that is true but I think it will only be a temporary fix.
So, how is that for depressing? I like that I can write here and know that maybe one or no one will read but it does allow me to say what I feel without any glaring repercussions. I appreciate the sounding board and more than invite feedback or stories of your struggles. We are in this together, the whole Christian walk so maybe that is what this blog post is about, walking through the mud together when there is fog all around. Together we can trudge through it and find the clarity we seek.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Back at it
Ok, Ok, so I am a little off track for my weekly updates. My excuse; travel, family and getting back into the swing of training.
I finished up my time at home in OR a couple of weeks ago and spent some time with my family at my childhood home. As I mentioned in a previous post my mom had surgery and is now in a rehab hospital to regain what she can of her walking and general function for daily use. It is a slow process but she is making progress daily. It is so hard to see her struggle, and in some ways harder to see my dad struggle with his emotions and feeling about the whole ordeal. He has a whole new responsibility and I think he wonders how he is to succeed. I know he will be just fine, and he would be even better if he just let God take over of all the past, present and the future. I know he wants to but I think he believes he is not worthy of it (who is? But God WANTS to give us freedom from worry). Anyhoo, I won't talk more about that. I have to daily give my concerns and worry to God so dad is certainly not alone.
One great improvement was having my mom at a family wedding reception for a few hours. She looked great, like herself and besides getting pretty worn out she enjoyed herself and recovered well.
So what next? Well, I am back in the training environment after having trained alone in OR for the past few months. It is a whole different atmosphere now that the new quadrennial has begun. Many of the Olympic women have moved on, and some others are either taking a breather, or finishing school. I have realized even in the first few days of being back that I have to set some goals. The past year or so was pretty simple; make it to the Olympics. Now that we are past that I have to start with the next Olympics as my end goal but there are 4 years prior to cover and in those I need good solid goals for each year, and even throughout each year. I am already working on eating better, which is easier when I cook for myself and it is only me. Somehow I reason bad choices when at home. And my next two rowing goals are Head of the Charles in Boston in which I will be racing the Championship 2x with my partner from World Championships in 2011, and of course there is Canadian Rowing Championships in November where I race the 1x again to defend my title. These are not easy tasks but I will train hard and work to be the best I can be and leave the rest to God to pan out.
If I can ask for prayer yet again please pray;
- for a better sense of my limits as to prevent injury
- healing of current muscle problem in the rib/shoulder area
- My mom of course and her local support system, namely my dad and sister.
- Courage and a listening ear to Christ as I continue on my rowing journey. I want to do the right things and I don't want to waste time on the wrong things.
- My incredibly understanding husband.
I finished up my time at home in OR a couple of weeks ago and spent some time with my family at my childhood home. As I mentioned in a previous post my mom had surgery and is now in a rehab hospital to regain what she can of her walking and general function for daily use. It is a slow process but she is making progress daily. It is so hard to see her struggle, and in some ways harder to see my dad struggle with his emotions and feeling about the whole ordeal. He has a whole new responsibility and I think he wonders how he is to succeed. I know he will be just fine, and he would be even better if he just let God take over of all the past, present and the future. I know he wants to but I think he believes he is not worthy of it (who is? But God WANTS to give us freedom from worry). Anyhoo, I won't talk more about that. I have to daily give my concerns and worry to God so dad is certainly not alone.
One great improvement was having my mom at a family wedding reception for a few hours. She looked great, like herself and besides getting pretty worn out she enjoyed herself and recovered well.
So what next? Well, I am back in the training environment after having trained alone in OR for the past few months. It is a whole different atmosphere now that the new quadrennial has begun. Many of the Olympic women have moved on, and some others are either taking a breather, or finishing school. I have realized even in the first few days of being back that I have to set some goals. The past year or so was pretty simple; make it to the Olympics. Now that we are past that I have to start with the next Olympics as my end goal but there are 4 years prior to cover and in those I need good solid goals for each year, and even throughout each year. I am already working on eating better, which is easier when I cook for myself and it is only me. Somehow I reason bad choices when at home. And my next two rowing goals are Head of the Charles in Boston in which I will be racing the Championship 2x with my partner from World Championships in 2011, and of course there is Canadian Rowing Championships in November where I race the 1x again to defend my title. These are not easy tasks but I will train hard and work to be the best I can be and leave the rest to God to pan out.
If I can ask for prayer yet again please pray;
- for a better sense of my limits as to prevent injury
- healing of current muscle problem in the rib/shoulder area
- My mom of course and her local support system, namely my dad and sister.
- Courage and a listening ear to Christ as I continue on my rowing journey. I want to do the right things and I don't want to waste time on the wrong things.
- My incredibly understanding husband.
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