The End is where we Begin

I have heard it said that one of the hardest things after you lose someone is going back to work.  I would have to agree.
A little over a week ago I lost my Mom.  She was only 63 and my biggest supporter.  I was only gone from the training environment for a little over a week but when it came closer to returning to the training center I started to feel sick, and nervous about the whole thing.  The rational side of me could not understand why I should feel such a way especially since I wanted to be training to keep my mind occupied and my eyes dry but the other side started to analyze and figure out what the root of the feelings were.  Here is what I came up with;
1.  The Pity Eyes-  I hate being the center of attention (great for sport eh) and I dislike even more feeling like people are treating me softly because they are afraid of my fragility or that I need some space.  I appreciate the sentiment but I want to be treated like everyone else, especially in the training environment where every day counts.  In this I also realize that the coach understands things differently but I don't want to read on their face that I am being given a little extra room to breathe.
2.  The Spontaneous Waterworks-  I do my best to keep my emotions under the radar.  It works in my favour a lot in sport especially when having to work with team mates with roller coaster personalities.  They don't bug me so much and I can level them out.  However, since my mom passed I cannot seem to control the tears.  Sobbing I seem to have under control now, but I can't lie, the ugly cry still happens every so often, and I fear it will continue for a while.  It just makes it worse when you know people are going to ask how you are doing or worse they are talking about something completely unrelated reminding me of my mom sending me into the breath holding to suppress the inevitable tears.  I would rather avoid these situations.
3.  Leaving the Nest.... Again-  In the short time I had home to celebrate my mom's life (which I will continue to celebrate every day of mine)  I spent every day with my siblings and dad just going through things, hanging out, eating... more eating... playing with the kiddos etc and all without my mom.  It is kind of like our family has pressed a "reset" button and we are learning to do it all again.  My support network has changed a bit and it was hard to fathom leaving it again.  Just like leaving for college.
4.  Life Without -   The number one reason I think I had such a sense of fear in returning here is that I am without my #1 fan.  I know she is with me in many ways, but life from here on out will be different.  I won't have my mom sending me emails with an encouraging verse or quote, or phone calls to just talk about whatever is going on.  There will be no more hope of a  gentle warm hug upon arriving home or the silly gifts she would give on occasion.  Life is different, and training is different without her.
In all this discovery I had to make decisions as to how I was going to cope.  I make it sound like I thought very structurally about it all, but it has been a smattering of thoughts and feelings in the last week or so since returning to my training home.  One of the first things I had to remember was to take care of my health.  It is not uncommon after stressful situations (my life has been upside down for months now and also had Canadian Nationals just before my mom passed) to get sick.  And since most of my team mates seem to be sick with something I realized even before I left for the funeral etc that I had to step up my nutrition game.  I made a point to eat as well as I could even when i did not feel up to it, and keep my Ultragen recovery regime post workouts.  I also took care to sleep when possible and to not stress over how much training I was missing.
The other big thing I have been working on is to not make any big decisions and to not allow the loss of a parent to translate into, "I cannot do this anymore without her".  I think it is easy for anyone who suffers deep loss whether it be a person, animal or even sport to make hasty decisions that may be regretted later.  Lately I have felt semi apathetic.  I don't have the same little edge that I did before that pushed me to add the extra kilo on squats or push the extra bit to get ahead on the water.  I have moments and I believe it will return, but that is the key, you have to trust in your past and potential.  It did not change overnight, the circumstance just did.
So as I proceed with training, I do my best to be patient with myself and give myself time to adjust to this new life/circumstance.  I know my mom would be proud to see me move forward.

As it turns out the return was relatively painless (despite entering back during a high intensity week), and instead of being overwhelmed I have been pretty stress free.  I have managed to stay away from illness and get to every workout with decent energy.  I would love to say it was just that I have a strong immune system or that I am tough as nails but I think it comes down to being in tune with your body and taking the time to think through things with your heart and your head.  Things will come back, and life will move forward, just maybe a little differently than originally planned.

 

"But, I don't want to"

Somehow the post title seemed right.  I am posting but I really don't feel like it.  It is not that I am feeling lazy exactly but I just don't want to.  I guess it has a bit to do with the fact that if I post I will inevitably write the following, I am tired, I am overly emotional these days and I don't really want to face potential reasons for any of them. 
A few contributing factors:
-  Low in Vit D (this is actually true the doctor asked if I had spent any time in the sun this summer...)
-  Hard training paired with RADAR testing that is just going wonderfully (catch the sarcasm).
-  Mom's health and the frustration of her care and the fatigue I get when I think of how she must feel.
-  Being away from my husband and 2 dogs.

Some of these seem kinda silly maybe and I am trying to let God take my worries, and sometimes I am able but other times I have a hard time opening my hands all the way, I THINK I am but how I feel tells me otherwise.
There are times I am angry.  Other times I am just sad and just want to cry even when I have no idea why.  I have so much support but at the same time feel lost in everything.
I have tried to talk to God but something always stands in my way from fully hearing and feeling Him.  Another odd comment and I realize that I am probably the only one who can remove that barrier but I think that I am afraid of what the barrier is;  anger.  When I think about it I am not exactly angry at God but at the same time it is the only word I can pare it all down to.  He has done immeasurably more for me and continues to take care of my family and somehow I still feel it ok to be angry?  Maybe I need to sit at His feet again and just sit, maybe cry or yell or all the above.  All I know is that whatever is eating my heart needs to go.
There is another part of me that wonders if all of this is just fatigue mixed with hormones and a rough training week and that next week my eyes will be opened again and heart lifted.  Part of me really hopes that is true but I think it will only be a temporary fix.

So, how is that for depressing?  I like that I can write here and know that maybe one or no one will read but it does allow me to say what I feel without any glaring repercussions.  I appreciate the sounding board and more than invite feedback or stories of your struggles.  We are in this together, the whole Christian walk so maybe that is what this blog post is about, walking through the mud together when there is fog all around.  Together we can trudge through it and find the clarity we seek.

Back at it

Ok, Ok, so I am a little off track for my weekly updates.  My excuse;  travel, family and getting back into the swing of training.

I finished up my time at home in OR a couple of weeks ago and spent some time with my family at my childhood home.  As I mentioned in a previous post my mom had surgery and is now in a rehab hospital to regain what she can of her walking and general function for daily use.  It is a slow process but she is making progress daily.  It is so hard to see her struggle, and in some ways harder to see my dad struggle with his emotions and feeling about the whole ordeal.  He has a whole new responsibility and I think he wonders how he is to succeed.  I know he will be just fine, and he would be even better if he just let God take over of all the past, present and the future.  I know he wants to but I think he believes he is not worthy of it (who is? But God WANTS to give us freedom from worry).  Anyhoo, I won't talk more about that.  I have to daily give my concerns and worry to God so dad is certainly not alone.
One great improvement was having my mom at a family wedding reception for a few hours.  She looked great, like herself and besides getting pretty worn out she enjoyed herself and recovered well.

So what next?  Well, I am back in the training environment after having trained alone in OR for the past few months.  It is a whole different atmosphere now that the new quadrennial has begun.  Many of the Olympic women have moved on, and some others are either taking a breather, or finishing school.  I have realized even in the first few days of being back that I have to set some goals.  The past year or so was pretty simple; make it to the Olympics.  Now that we are past that I have to start with the next Olympics as my end goal but there are 4 years prior to cover and in those I need good solid goals for each year, and even throughout each year.  I am already working on eating better, which is easier when I cook for myself and it is only me.  Somehow I reason bad choices when at home.  And my next two rowing goals are Head of the Charles in Boston in which I will be racing the Championship 2x with my partner from World Championships in 2011, and of course there is Canadian Rowing Championships in November where I race the 1x again to defend my title.  These are not easy tasks but I will train hard and work to be the best I can be and leave the rest to God to pan out. 

If I can ask for prayer yet again please pray;
-  for a better sense of my limits as to prevent injury
-  healing of current muscle problem in the rib/shoulder area
-  My mom of course and her local support system, namely my dad and sister.
-  Courage and a listening ear to Christ as I continue on my rowing journey.  I want to do the right things and I don't want to waste time on the wrong things.
-  My incredibly understanding husband. 

Faith that moves Mountains

After my last post I realized, I was quite non-commital in my desire to be healthier.  The funny thing is, almost immediately I started to cut the "extras" and eat with veggies on the mind.  I cannot say I followed that all week but overall this week has been an improvement from the last.  Along with this my hours of training have gone up a bit and I have been more committed to getting ever last minute out of my workouts.  This week I will aim to step up the intensity slightly on selected workouts as to stretch my heart rate limits.  I return home to Ontario in a week and that is where I will begin to be more serious about my food choices and start posting more on this blog to keep myself accountable!

 On other and more important news, my mom is doing well and on her way to recovery.  As I was laying in bed the other night writing in my mental gratitude journal I thanked Jesus for his healing hands on my mom and in that moment I saw clearly how our attitude toward prayer and Christ's healing power plays a major part in our ability to see the outcome of his Grace.
Let me explain.  I have heard before that we can ask God for anything and He will answer, and I believe that.  I also have heard that we need to pray for the right thing (seems kind of vague doesn't it). I have also learned how to do this, and sometimes by trial and error.  But what I have been thinking on lately, even before my mom had more difficulties is that we need to pray, in my words, without looking back.  That is we need to pray and BELIEVE that God is able to do what it is we are asking.  Once we ask we need to let it go and trust it to God.  Yes we should continue to pray that He do His will and that he heal, but not because we think He did not hear us the first time.
I found an article written by Roderick Meredith, that talks about prayer in 12 "keys".  It does a pretty good job of laying out the whole picture of prayer as I have started to learn it (article: 12 Keys to Answered Prayer).  In the latest with my mom I struggled for at least a week, worrying and trying to give it over to Jesus to deal with but was not successful.  I am not sure exactly what happened to change this but one day I decided that I had not been praying with faith.  I know God is capable but I did not pray that way.  It was almost like clamoring up a hill with loose rock just trying to reach the top instead of taking the rope that had been dropped right next to me.  When I decided to take whole of that rope it was amazing the relief and it was astounding how things improved.  I do not think that my prayer is the only one that God listens to, especially when I know people across the world have been praying for our family (and thank you we are a blessed family) but one chink in the armor can cause it to fail right?
This got me to thinking about miracles.  I wonder if more miracles would happen today if we believed better and had faith that made people turn their heads, faith to move mountains perhaps?
My mom is doing very well, and has moved now to a rehabilitation hospital where she is learning to work with her new hip.  It looks like she has about 6 weeks until she can return home!  I am excited to see her and talk to her about her progress.  God will continue to bless her and mend her body, and I have faith that her lungs will be healed also.

Wow, I started this post today thinking I had little to say but here I am with even more thoughts to share.  To close out I want to say how proud I am of my mom.  I don't know what it was but at some point during her time of crisis she made a decision that she was not done with fighting with her body.  She is an amazingly strong woman in faith and fight.  It was after this decision that I started to see big changes in her progress, both mentally and physically, and to God we must be grateful for giving her that character.  I don't get my ability to push myself in sport from nowhere.  My dad has lots of athletic talent, but my mom holds some personality traits that also come into play and I am proud to share those with her.  And on the topic of family, my sister has also shown the same fight and persistence in life in her battle with weight loss.  She is doing such an amazing job despite a lifetime of disliking sport she has found a love and desire to make a change.  I am so incredibly proud of her and I am realizing as I type that God might be teaching me something through both of them
Both of these women in my life are great examples of surrendering fear, failures, worry and a host of other things for the grace of God and his great plan for life.  I am learning more from them every day.
As I approach the start of a new training cycle I am tentative, I am scared and I find myself trying to create "plan B, C" etc, but guess what God has told me time and again that the only plan is His plan and I should simply go with that.  So, day by day I walk toward an end I am not sure, but in the end I can be sure that God's true Will is there.

A New Day and a healthier me

Finally finished.  This testing week has gone on long enough and I finally completed testing Saturday with a personal best for the 2 km piece.  I was on my own as my husband went camping with his brothers but I managed to pull out a good test with a little (lot) Jesus on my side :)
The testing overall was not great and I have a long way to go to reach the points I need for increased funding, but I have no choice, and have decided to let God figure that one out.  I probably could have done better if I had decided that before testing began but I was holding so tightly to it and trying to control it that I missed that boat.  I don't know what the plan is but I am going to go back to basics;  Just work hard and be smart, seems simple enough!

 Now that a new training season has begun (when did the last one end?) I have a new goal.  I am having a hard time typing it because as soon as this posts I am then committed to something I am not sure I want completely... 
In the last month or so I have struggled with seeing my body as being fit for a National team.  Sure I am getting stronger and making some gains but I also see a lot of extra stuff that can hold me back.  Every little pound counts and although I don't feel I am overweight, I am not my HEALTHIEST.  This is more what I am concerned about, eating healthy to give my body the right fuel to do its best.  If I eat right the rest will follow. 
I think some of my realization also came around during the Olympics when I watched several athletes talk about their journey and see where they were at.  And even more so there was an add for something (not a great AD since I cannot remember what it was for) featuring athletes saying things like  "I have not had dessert in over a year".  Matt was sitting nearby when I was like "Ya right!"  "There is no way an athlete does not eat dessert, unless you are a lightweight, or gymnast."  Matt immediately responded, "A lot of athletes don't eat junk, I think you guys [rowers] are a little different".  Matt has spent much of his time in running, triathlon and cycling, and I do not doubt the lack of sweets in that diet but it still seems impossible to cut it all out!  After thinking upon it I started to feel a little frustrated and annoyed at myself for not having better self control.  If it is nearby I HAVE to eat it (or rather it feels that way), just as my sister, I am always raiding their sweets stash.  It is a constant battle and although I know some of it is unwarranted pressure on myself, I do see the value in being healthy and saying no to my cravings.  I know how to eat better, I have done it before, it just takes time and BIG time self control.
So what is my goal you ask?  To become a healthier, leaner me that I can be happy with.  I don't want to wonder if I could have done something better if I had just avoided the ice cream.

My younger sister has recently started her journey to a better more healthy self, along with her husband.  They are doing great and so I hope that maybe she and I can work together on this along with all of you!

The Game Plan:
- My first week will be a "detox" week.  Don't worry I am not into the weird and unhealthy cabbage detox or anything.  My method is guided a little by a book I read a while back and means eating unlimited veggies (non starch), protein, and limited wheat and grains such as bread.  There is no room for sugar of any kind outside of limited fruit, even gum is out.  My allotment of these will be greater than some because of my exercise regime but the basic principles remain.  Oh I will have some sugar as my recovery drink has some simple sugar so that is hard to avoid.
-  In order to help stay on track I am going to be writing out everything that I put in my mouth including vitamins and medications.
-  I hope to post at least one example a week of my day, exercise, food and perhaps even some recipes.  This way I have support and I am accountable to my food choices. 

I am not sure exactly when I am going to start this.  I should start today but I don't know that I am ready.  Sometimes it is good to just do it, no time like the present, however, because of the place I am in right now I think it is best to wait a bit longer.  I will let you know when I begin.  I challenge you to take up the same kind of healthy regime, post your goals and progress in the comments of my posts.  I am here for you as much as you have been here for me!

My hope is found in Christ alone

How long has it been?  1 month? Two?  Whatever it is, I know I have probably lost any following with my inconsistency.  That said, Matt, my husband has challenged me to write once a week, even if you write a few sentences.  In my pursuit to increase my "media" presence over the next couple of years (granted all goes well with rowing) updating this more regularly may help me find more financial support or support with gear, and nutritional supplementation.  I enjoy writing here, but often find it hard to think of something "worth" talking about, but I have to remind myself that life is not always eloquent or well thought out despite what we may sometimes think.  Writing that I ate some good stuffed peppers for dinner, and that I can't wait until this week is over might just be interesting to someone.

So, what is new?  As you can imagine there have been a lot of decisions my husband and I have made involving our future.  With rowing turning out the way it did it was hard to walk away feeling like I had done all I could do.  I may be holding onto something that is not realistic, but in making the decisions I felt like it was not over yet.  That said, right now, during the heat of testing I think about packing it up and moving home (to Oregon).  However, I know not to make decisions on a high or low as you tend to be swayed by emotion.  The plan is to stick with it and take the next 4 years one at a time moving toward the 2016 Rio Olympics.

Speaking of the Olympics.  Can I say that it was one of the hardest years to watch!  The coverage was not really great with too much focus on only a handful of sports but my real issue was with being both excited for my team mates, and disappointed and frustrated, maybe even angry that I was not there.  I don't know that I should have been there but it has been a tough cookie to swallow.  I did get up in the wee hours to watch our women row an amazing race to silver, but the days leading to that were tough in my own workouts and still can be challenging, especially while on my own in OR until I return to the center in September.
This week we have our RADAR testing.  For those who don't know it is the series of tests that help identify athletes from the intro level to the top elite.  Each test gets designated points and certain levels give you certain financial benefits (or rather give you the opportunity).  I have put a lot of pressure on myself to meet the next tier of financial aid, so that I am able to contribute more to our family budget as I tend to suck from it more than give.  I know I am capable of what the tests require, however, it requires me to be on my game every test.  I started the tests on Monday and had 2 successes and 2 not so great tests.  I have to keep reminding myself that I have to take it a test at a time, that God has it in his hands and that whether I get increased funding or not He will provide.  Perhaps I would be better off as a high dependent.  Tomorrow I have the 6 km test and Saturday will complete the testing with a 2 km piece all on the rowing machine.  Usually there would also be a water component but because I am away I am forfeiting those points this round.  These last two tests I have felt good about, but I have to keep my mind in the game, as lately that is what is failing faster than my body.  When it hurts, I have to push through the wall.

The underlying problem in all of this is my lack of fervor for Christ as of late.  I have not lost faith, or my love, but I feel lethargic.  I can only guess that it is a quiet time, and with all the stress in life lately I am sure I really do need to just be still and quiet.  Maybe I need to listen more for His voice and talk less.

With all I have said above, let me not forget to say I have much to be grateful and joyful about.  My mom who has had more than her share of health drama in the last 5 years, has added another event to her list.  After a fall on the back patio, she broke her hip and has had a hip replacement.  Unfortunately for her, a hip replacement goes from being routine to being high risk due to her medications and health history.  It was a little scary for a bit but the Lord prevailed and she came out of surgery with a new hip and with only a few days of concerning issues she leveled out and I have chatted with her on the phone a couple of times.  I know my mom has been fighting for a while and I know she is tired but she finds her strength in Christ alone.  I want her to continue to see value in her fight and I can only pray that God gives her more energy than she knows what to do with.  A miracle is possible and I have faith that it is in motion.

God is good.  I know this.  God is powerful.  God should be feared.  And God is on my side or rather I am on His.

(Photo is of my youngest Maple doing what she does best, snuggling, after my erg session)

Victory is the Lord's

Whew!  What a whirlwind few weeks!
If you have been following me at all through my family, facebook or wherever you know that I returned from Europe/UK last Monday after some amazing racing on Sunday to finish of the Royal Henley regatta!  Since then I have been unpacking, repacking and visiting family and friends as well as reuniting with my very patient husband!

I realize I have no posted about my final race in Henley so here it goes!
Every evening after racing and before our next days race we meet together as a team for a meeting.  It usually addresses our goals for the previous race and the execution of them, things to improve upon and other notable things.  We then move onto the next days race where we discuss our goals for execution (usually 3 things), implementation of changes to race plan based on feedback of previous races and of course we briefly discuss our competition and possible course conditions.
I was pretty nervous but also excited about our race.  We found out we were up against the German Olympic team which is a pretty neat opportunity, or so I thought and I won't lie, I am still out for blood to show myself, my rowing organization and the world that I AM world class and can even go from sculling to sweep in only a few months.  I knew what we were capable of as a crew, and have never felt such a cohesive crew before.  Little drama and lots of aggression.  Our coach talks often about how we decide the outcome of a race long before the day of the race comes.  It might be the night before or in my case when you start a training journey.  What is important here is that if you don't decide before the even comes what happens is you are forced to decide in the heat of the moment, when things get tough and your brain is lacking the oxygen it needs to make the best decision.  By deciding ahead you have already prepared your mind for those questions and will more easily be able to answer it with MORE instead of less.  It is a good lesson for life, make the decision before you go out for dinner not to order fries but instead a salad, set your clothes out for a walk in the morning before getting in bed, or decide to make changes in your relationships, set out a clear plan before you go back to it.
To get back on topic, our post/pre meetings are to set us up for success and move us from one level on the ladder to the next.

Race day is always a fun day.  I go between wanting to get over the nerves and the race to embracing every part of the day.  If you are looking for success the latter is what you should always strive to do, but even the best athletes can tell you that sometimes you have to remind yourself to stay in the moment.
Our race was in the afternoon and so the morning was our usual pre-row followed by waiting... I am pretty sure we all were sick of waiting but again you find things to do, have a nap (albeit a short one), play some Words with Friends, surf the net, read etc before it is time to head down to the course.
The walk to the course was kind of fun.  When you feel good about your training, and your abilities that walk is tall, confident and assured.  And when you feel the presence of God with you, it is exciting.  In typical fashion I had some chat with God on my walk and take a big breath where I think about breathing in His presence and Will and exhaling my own reservations, concerns and will. 
On arrival to the course we typically put the boat down so our coach can wash it (while in his obligatory suit for riding in the umpire boat while we race) and then we sit, watch the hats walk by and on this day, the victories coming into the dock.  It is a pretty neat scene.  As we approach our launch time for on water warm up we do an erg, last minute bathroom breaks and bag check.  After that it is  hands on and on the water where we get our bodies more prepared for the impending pain.
The race was a euphoric one.  At the start line I have learned that my best companion and bearer of all is Jesus.  As funny as it sounds, He and I row hand in hand from stroke one.  In this race we flew off the line and never looked back.  As the pain settled in and the lactic acid started coursing through my body I was asked the question "how much more do you want?  How much more can you take?"  They are tough questions but every time they were asked I was able to answer "All of it!" and "MORE".  A few time I even went as far as to put it back in God's court and say "If you (Jesus) were able to take the weight of the world, I think I am capable of a few minutes of physical pain", it is always possible with Him.
Our gap ahead of the German crew grew, not easily I might add but with determination and confidence, and at the end of the race we found ourselves to have tested our strength and will to the max. 

I am blessed and I know that God is with me and with my husband on this journey.  I don't always know why I am led to row and more so, be away from my husband but there is a plan.  I believe that God is in everything we do, we just have to let Him SHINE!  I am always at the brink of tears when I think of what joy I have in my sport and how blessed I am and all I can hope is that God is looking down with pleasure  on what I do.

Our trip ended well, and I got home to Canada safely.  Like I mentioned I am now with my husband visiting friends in Connecticut and we will head home to Oregon after some time with my family.  I am excited about my summer, and excited to see what the rest of the year brings.

Thank you for constant prayer and love.  Every uttered thought and word have been felt and answered.
Until next time!